Y si los titanes existieran

Cartman in Konosuba 4

Cartman is sitting at a table laden with food: frog legs, pastries, and a small keg of beer. He chews loudly while Aqua, still somewhat traumatized by the experience at the lake, looks at him disdainfully.

Aqua:

"Is it really necessary to eat so much? You look like a devouring monster."

Cartman:

(With his mouth full) "Shut up, bitch! This is my reward for saving you. Besides, this isn't 'eating a lot,' it's 'eating like a champion.'"

The tavern door bursts open, and Ken enters dramatically, accompanied by a female warrior and a small, agile thief who seems impatient.

Ken:

(Pointing at Cartman and Aqua) "Aqua! I'm not going to give up that easily. I have a team now, and together we're going to save you from this fat, egotistical kid."

Cartman:

(Raising an eyebrow) "Save her? She doesn't even want to go with you, loser! What don't you understand?"

The conversation is interrupted by a loud blare of trumpets. Outside, the residents of Axel gather as a huge Dullahan, riding a black horse and emanating a dark aura, appears in the main square.

Axel's Loudspeaker:

"Attention, residents! The Demon King's general, Verdia the Dullahan, has arrived in town. All adventurers, assemble at the main gate."

The crowd murmurs nervously as Verdia dismounts and walks to the center of the square, holding her head under her arm.

Verdia:

(In a resonant voice) "People of Axel! I warned you months ago not to disturb me in my castle. You didn't even try to bandage your fallen Paladin; you have no honor."

The crowd falls silent, except for Darkness, who steps forward.

Darkness:

(With an awkward smile, "Hello, how are you?")

Verdia:

(Surprised, examining Darkness) "What? That's impossible! No one can survive my death curse."

Aqua:

How are you? The Dullahan was waiting for us this whole time, he didn't know I undid the curse as soon as he left, how funny, he's hilarious."

Verdia:

(Looking uncomfortably at Aqua) "I'd kill everyone in this town, don't make me mad."

Ken:

(Taking advantage of the distraction, draws his sword and runs towards Verdia) "For Aqua and for justice!"

Verdia:

(Turning quickly, drawing his own sword) "What kind of idiot attacks a Dullahan head-on?"

Their swords clash, but Verdia's skill quickly surpasses Ken's. With swift movements, she disarms Ken and knocks him to the ground with a swipe of her hand. hilt.

Verdia:

(Placing the tip of her sword on Ken's chest) "Pathetic. You're not even worth killing."

Ken:

(Panting, humiliated) "This... isn't over."

Berdia, the Dullahan, summons his undead army lined up behind him and orders an attack on the city, though they simply went after Aqua.

Cartman:

"What did you do this time?"

Aqua:

(Panic-striking) "Why me?"

Cartman thinks.

Cartman:

(Eating a chocolate bar as he watches) "Maybe because you're the only one who can purify them. Although now I wonder... are you really a goddess or just a fuss-making machine?"

Aqua:

(Running) "Do something, Cartman! You're a wizard, use your magic or something!"

Cartman:

(Sighing and pulling out his wand) "Okay, but this is going to cost you. I want ten thousand Eris and your food rations for a week."

Aqua:

"What?! No way!"

Cartman:

(Putting away his wand) "Then good luck with the zombies, goddess."

Darkness advances determinedly toward Verdia, who is standing in the center of the plaza, observing the chaos. The crowd gathers to watch the confrontation.

Darkness:

(Unsheathing his sword) "Verdia! Prepare to face justice! I, Darkness, the crusader of justice, will end you here and now!"

Verdia:

(In a solemn voice) "You again? I don't know how you survived my curse, but I won't make the same mistake twice."

Darkness:

(Blushing) "Oh, you're planning to 'correct' your mistake? End me with your sword? How intense... how humiliating... I'm ready to take it all!"

Verdia:

(Visibly uncomfortable) "What the hell are you saying?"

The fight begins. Darkness launches attacks with her sword, but misses every blow, only reaching midair or accidentally hitting a nearby post. Verdia, on the other hand, executes precise slashes that should be lethal, but only manage to tear Darkness's armor and clothing.

Darkness:

(Her clothes in tatters) "Oh no... my clothes are falling off one by one. Is this part of your plan, Verdia? To strip me of my dignity before finishing me off? What a cruel master you are!"

The crowd begins to murmur, looking at Verdia with suspicious eyes.

Villager 1:

"Why is he undressing her? What kind of villain is this?"

Villager 2:

"Wait, is this part of the Demon King's strategy? How weird."

Verdia:

(Agitated) "This has nothing to do with me! She's crazy!"

Cartman watches the chaos while flipping through his textbook. spells. Aqua, still hunted  By zombies, he runs past him.

Cartman:

(Whispering to himself) "If Darkness can distract him with her weirdness, maybe I can cast a spell that takes him down."

Aqua:

Okay, I'll pay. I said I'll pay, but please, help me, Cartman.

Cartman:

(Exasperated): "Yeah! Hey, bitch, you can beat all those zombies! You already did it in the graveyard when we got here! You even almost killed Wiz, and she's a damn lich! How could you forget something so useful?"

Aqua:

(Crosses her arms, indignant) "I have so many godly abilities, I can't remember them all!"

Cartman:

(Tapping the board with a stick) "Okay, bitch, you're the ridiculously high priestess who can purify zombies with an area-of-effect spell. Can you explain to me why you're running around like an idiot instead of using that ability?"

Aqua:

(Arms crossed, offended) "I told you I didn't remember!"

Cartman would see that Verdia managed to knock down Darkness despite not damaging her with her sword.

Cartman:

(Addressing the group) "Okay, you thieves, pay attention. Statistically, if all of you use 'Steal' at the same time on Verdia, someone's going to end up taking her sword. And without her sword, she's basically a headless mannequin with a major superiority complex. Understand?"

Verdia:

(Angrily) "I've had enough of you guys!" How many more of you do I have to kill before you understand that you're not a threat to me?"

Darkness:

(His armor ripped again) "Oh, please don't stop! Your slashes are so precise and dominant... This is everything I dreamed of and more..."

Verdia:

(Visibly uncomfortable) "Shut up, crazy woman! This isn't a show!"

The thieves take advantage of the distraction to use "Snatch" simultaneously. Verdia dodges most of the attempts, but one of them manages to snatch his cursed sword.

Cartman:

(From a corner, shouting) "They did it! Now all that's left is to continue my master plan!"

Cartman steps forward, holding his wand. Verdia looks at him with contempt.

Verdia:

"You, fat kid? You're the mastermind behind this?"

Cartman:

(Smiling wickedly) "That's right, floating head. And now, prepare to be defeated by Axel's best magician."

Verdia:

(Sarcastic) "Please don't make me laugh."

Cartman:

(Confident) "Oh, you think you're so smart? Well, get this: I once made a kid in Chile eat his own parents. You think I can't manipulate a bag of bones like you?"

Verdia:

(Confused and somewhat disturbed) "...What kind of monster are you?"

Cartman begins to cast magic, creating water that he tries to throw at Verdia. However, Verdia dodges each attack with ease.

Cartman:

(Annoyed) "Stop moving, coward!"

Verdia:

"Is that all you've got?"

Aqua, still hiding behind a building, watches the scene.

Cartman:

(Pointing at Aqua) "Hey, you useless bitch! Are you going to stand there, or are you going to do something useful for once? Throw your holy water and get it over with!"

Aqua:

(Coming forward, indignant) "You can't talk to me like that! I'm a goddess!"

Cartman:

(Shouting) "You useless bitch! Now, use your damn holy water!"

Aqua, visibly upset, begins to cast a spell. A massive wave of holy water floods the plaza, trapping Verdia in the center.

Verdia:

(Horrified) "No! This can't be happening! I'm a general of the Demon King!"

Verdia's body begins to slowly disintegrate under the power of the holy water.

Cartman:

(Crossing his arms, satisfied) "And this is how it's done. Who's the real hero here? This guy!"

The villagers celebrate as the adventurers clean up the remains of the battle. However, a group of officials appear with stern faces.

Official:

(To Aqua and Cartman) "Due to the flooding caused by the holy water spell, several businesses and homes have suffered severe damage. The reward for defeating Verdia will be confiscated to cover repair costs."

Aqua:

(Shocked) "What?! But I saved the town!"

Cartman:

(Sarcastic) "Great, Aqua. Thanks for ruining my moment of glory. Another completely wasted victory." 

Another day at the Guild, we see Darkness looking at Aqua with obvious curiosity as they both walk toward the guild.

Darkness:

(Confused) "I don't understand why that adventurer, Ken, called you a deity."

Aqua:

(Smiling) "It's because I am the goddess of water and celebrations. The cult figure of the Axis Order."

(Pointing dramatically to the sky.)

Darkness:

(Raised eyebrow) "Did you dream it or something?"

Aqua:

(Indignant) "It's the truth! Ask Cartman if you don't believe me."

Darkness:

(Defiantly) "Okay, I will."

Cartman sitting at a table in the guild, enjoying a large plate. Aqua and Darkness approach.

Darkness:

(Looking at Cartman) "Cartman, is it true that Aqua is a goddess?"

Cartman:

(With his mouth full, without looking up) "Yes, she is."

Darkness:

(Doubtful) "Really?"

Cartman:

(Swallowing and looking at Darkness wearily) "Look, Darkness, I know this is hard to believe, but yeah, it's like the universe decided that the most useless goddess in the world needed to be here to ruin my life. Happy?"

Darkness:

(Crossing her arms, clearly in disbelief) "Oh, I get it."

Aqua, annoyed, crosses her arms and begins puffing out her cheeks like an angry little girl.

Cartman continues eating when a visibly drunk adventurer, Dust, approaches him. Dust is carrying a mug of beer in one hand and a piece of bread in the other.

Dust:

(Mockingly) "Hey, you little pimp! What are you doing here all alone, huh? Did you leave your harem to rest?"

Cartman:

(Looking at him with disdain) "First of all, I don't know what a pimp is. Second, why do you smell like you've bathed in beer?"

Dust:

(Laughing) "Relax, kiddo! You're a boy and you already have a group of women following you!" You're my idol!"

(Gives him a friendly punch on the back, which almost makes Cartman choke.)

Cartman:

(Angrily) "Hey, watch it, drunk!"

Dust:

(Sitting down next to Cartman) "Come on, why don't you have a beer with me?"

Cartman:

(Going back to his food) "No, thanks. I'd rather eat something that doesn't make me smell like you."

Dust, laughing, pours himself another beer while continuing to talk to Cartman.

Dust:

(Suddenly serious) "You know, kid, I'm thinking about switching teams for a day. How about we swap groups? I'll join your team, you join mine. Just for today."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "Your team? What kind of losers do you have for a team that makes you want to switch for those two bitches?"

Dust:

(Pointing to a group in a corner of the guild) "No, man. Keith's an archer, Taylor's a competent paladin, and Rin is..."

Cartman:

(Thinking for a moment) "Okay, drunk. But if your team gives me any trouble, I'll make you pay, literally."

Cartman walks beside Dust's group, clearly less impressed than they are. Dust explains the day's dynamics to his group.

Keith:

(Excitedly) "We're going goblin hunting!" This will be easy."

Taylor:

(Confident) "Yeah, a simple mission for us."

Rin:

(Preparing a spell) "I could use this opportunity to practice my new technique."

Cartman:

(Whispering to himself) "This will be fun..."

The group climbs the mountain. Goblins appear, but instead of attacking, they quickly disperse, revealing a massive feline creature, the Rookie Hunter Tiger, who uses them as a distraction.

Cartman:

(Wide-eyed) "Oh, fuck! It's a fucking tiger! We're dead!"

Taylor:

(Drawing his sword) "Run, I'll stop him!"

Taylor charges at the tiger, but misses miserably and is thrown into a tree.

Keith:

(Firing arrows) "Quick, we need a strategy!"

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "A strategy? Of course, the strategy is that I run and you distract him."

Rin:

(Casting a fire spell) "Explosive fire!"

Rin's spell fails, burning a nearby bush. The tiger roars and chases them. Cartman, using his ingenuity, casts a small water spell on the ground and then freezes it, causing the tiger to slip momentarily. Cartman then generates rocks that hit the tiger on the head, giving it time to escape.

Cartman:

"Wild animals need to be taught who's boss."

The team returns to the guild, covered in dirt and leaves, visibly tired. Cartman sees Aqua and Darkness in a corner, surrounded by adventurers who look at them with disdain.

Cartman:

(Wiping his sweat) "What happened here?"

Aqua:

(Whimpering) "It was terrible! We tried to go on a mission with Dust, but Darkness almost got us all killed with her clumsiness!

Darkness:

(Dreamy) "Well... at least it was exciting. Those goblins were very intimidating... and when the tiger followed us."

Dust:

Well, pimp, as we agreed, I'll return you to your two f... companions.

Cartman:

"I don't know if I would have done worse with you guys."

Cartman sits at the bar, ordering food, while muttering something about moving to a less stupid city.

Fade out.

Cartman is sitting at a table with Aqua and Darkness, flipping through a book titled "Extreme Survival the Way of the Dead."  "Brad Pitt." He seems absorbed, marking pages and muttering to himself.

Cartman:

(Determined) "It's time we raided the dungeon of Kele, the ancient lich! This book says I can survive anything if I think like Brad Pitt, act like Brad Pitt... and, of course, dress like Brad Pitt."

Aqua:

(Frowning) "What does Brad Pitt have to do with raiding dungeons?"

Cartman:

(Sarcastic) "He's an actor! But he's also a survivor. Did you know he starred in World War Z and came out alive? Or Troy? Do you know what that means? That he's a freaking survival genius!"

Darkness:

(Admiringly) "I don't know what a movie is, but the way you're saying it makes it sound amazing."

Cartman:

(Grinning) "Exactly. So you know, it's time to change your look!"

The camera cuts to Cartman exiting a guild tent, dressed in stylish clothing that looks like it came straight off a red carpet. He's wearing sunglasses, a silk scarf, and has improvised a stylish-looking vest over his adventuring gear.

Cartman:

(Posing) "Look, commoners! He's the Brad Pitt of Axel!"

Aqua:

(Suppressing laughter) "You look like you're going to a medieval fashion festival."

Cartman:

(Arrogantly) "What you think doesn't matter. Now, on to the dungeon!"

The group arrives at the dark entrance to the dungeon. Cartman is carrying a flashlight from his survival kit and holding it like a trophy. Aqua stands behind him, wearing a jaded expression. Darkness, meanwhile, stands outside.

Darkness:

(Disappointed) "Why can't I come with you? I might be the best distraction from any monster!"

Cartman:

(Dry) "Because you can't see in the dark, Darkness. If you went in, you'd probably trip over a skeleton and start fantasizing about it."

Darkness:

"Hey, I wouldn't do that... with a skeleton."

Cartman:

(Rolling his eyes) "So just stay here and play with the rocks or something. Let's go, Aqua."

Aqua:

(Proudly) "Of course! My godlike eyes are perfect for places like this."

Cartman:

(Whispering) "And also because you're cheap..."

The dungeon is filled with animated skeletons, giant bats, and booby traps. Cartman and Aqua advance, using their best spells to defeat the enemies.

Cartman:

(Casting a water spell) "Take that, bags of bones! This is what happens when you challenge Axel's Brad Pitt."

Aqua:

(Bored, casting holy magic) "Do you really have to mention Brad Pitt every five minutes?"

Cartman:

(Smugly) "Sure you do! I'm channeling his energy. That's what the book says."

Suddenly, they arrive at the heart of the dungeon, where a lich dressed in worn robes sits on a makeshift throne made of books and candles. It's Kele, who doesn't seem especially threatening.

Kele:

(Tired) "What mortals dare break into my home?"

Cartman:

(Sarcastic) "Oh yeah, we've reached the final boss."

Aqua:

(On guard) "You're a lich! Prepare to be cleansed by my divinity!"

Kele:

(Whispering sadly) "Cleansed? Yeah... All I want is to rest."

Cartman:

(Frowning) "What? You're not going to yell something evil like 'I will destroy the world' or 'I will enslave humanity'?"

Kele:

(Sighing) "No, kid. I'm not evil. Centuries ago, I kidnapped a noblewoman because it was the only way someone like me could have companionship. We fell in love. We were together for many years, but she died of old age... and I'm still here, alone, tired of this world."

Aqua and Cartman look at each other, confused. The scene changes from tense to uncomfortably melancholic.

Kele:

"All I want is to be reunited with my beloved in the afterlife. If you can perform an exorcism and free my soul, I'll give you the gold I still have stashed away."

Aqua:

(Excited) "Money! I mean... sure, I'll do my job as a goddess."

Aqua prepares to perform the exorcism while Cartman opens the chest full of gold coins, making sure to count every piece.

Aqua:

(Concentrated) "I purify this tormented soul! When you reach the afterlife, tell Eris you came from me, so she'll accept you."

Kele:

(With a calm smile) "Thank you... I'll finally see my beloved again."

Light fills the room, and the lich disappears in a peaceful flash. Cartman closes the chest and lifts it with difficulty.

Cartman:

(Satisfied) "Well, Aqua, for once you didn't ruin everything. Now let's get out of here before this dungeon collapses!"

Cartman and Aqua triumphantly enter the guild with the gold. Darkness approaches excitedly, while the guild watches them attentively.

Darkness:

"Did you manage to loot the dungeon? Were there any terrifying monsters?"

Cartman:

(With a sly grin) "Oh, yeah. There were skeletons, traps, and one depressed lich who ended up being the easiest of them all."

Aqua:

(Smiling) "And it's all thanks to my divine power!"

Cartman:

(Resigned) "Yeah, yeah. All thanks to the goddess of water and parties."

Cartman looks at the bag of gold and smiles.  e, clearly thinking about how to spend it all.

The following week, Cartman and Aqua walk through the streets of town. Aqua looks bored while Cartman chews some food and talks excitedly.

Cartman:

(Proudly) "Today I'm taking you to the best shop in all of Axel! This is where I become more powerful, more awesome... where I get my magic lessons."

Aqua:

(Disinterested) "You take magic lessons? With which teacher? Oh no."

Cartman:

(Smirking) "Ah, Aqua, always so naive."

Aqua:

(Sarcastically) "It's basically a miracle anyone teaches you anything."

The two arrive at a magic shop. Cartman confidently opens the door.

Cartman:

(Pointing inside) "Welcome to magical paradise, Aqua. This is where legends are born."

When Aqua walks in, she sees Wiz organizing potions on a shelf. She instantly recognizes her as a lich, and her expression changes to a mixture of horror and fury.

Aqua:

(Pointing at Wiz) "What the hell is a lich doing having a shop in town?! This is an insult! I, the goddess of water, am sleeping in stables while an undead man runs a business!"

Cartman:

(Whispering in annoyance) "Oh, please don't start with your religious dramas..."

Aqua casts a holy spell at Wiz, but Cartman quickly steps in and pushes her aside.

Cartman:

(Angrily) "Aqua, stop it! Wiz is my magic teacher. She taught me things like 'Drizzling Touch'. Watch this."

Cartman touches Aqua's shoulder, and she immediately feels her energy being sucked away.

Aqua:

"What... what are you doing to me?!"

Cartman:

(Satisfied) "That's Exhausting Touch, baby. I can absorb your energy and give it to someone else. That's pretty cool, right?"

Aqua:

(Angrily) "That's evil magic! This proves Wiz is a threat!"

Wiz:

(Calmly) "Sorry to scare you, but I'm not evil. Yes, technically I'm a general of the Demon King, but... well, I'm not very good at it."

Aqua:

(Shocked) "A general of the Demon King?! That's enough! I'll exorcise you right now!"

Aqua jumps on Wiz like a wrestler, knocking her to the ground. Wiz, shocked, tries to break free as Aqua begins to channel holy magic.

Cartman:

(Frustrated) "Aqua, leave her alone! She hasn't taught me all her spells yet!"

Wiz:

(Pleading) "Please don't purify me! I'm not hurting anyone! I'm only here because the Demon King's castle barrier needs every general to maintain it. I have no bounty on my head, I'm not doing anything evil!"

Aqua:

(Threatening) "I don't care about that. I'll purify you in an instant."

Aqua remains on top of Wiz, holding her tightly. Wiz groans in pain as she feels the effects of the exorcism Aqua is trying to apply.

Wiz:

(Whimpering) "I'll disappear! It hurts! I'm scared! Please stop!"

Cartman:

(Grabbing Aqua by the neck) "Aqua, for the love of God, stop! Don't kill her yet! I need her to finish teaching me magic."

Wiz:

(Muttering to herself as Aqua finally lets go) "Cartman's a terrible student, but... I guess he'll be my lifeline against this crazy woman."

Wiz stands up, still trembling from the attempted exorcism. Aqua crosses her arms, looking at her with disdain.

Aqua:

(Haughtily) "I'm watching you, lich. If you try anything, you'll be cleansed immediately!"

Wiz:

(With a tight smile) "Sure, sure. I won't do anything... bad."

Cartman:

(Picking up a couple of potions from a shelf) "Okay, with that out of the way, let's get on with my magic lessons! Wiz, can you teach me that spell you told me about the other day?"

Wiz:

(Sighing) "Yeah... sure. Anything to survive this maniacal goddess."

Aqua snorts, and the camera shows the three of them from outside the store as the argument continues.

Fade out.

Cartman, Aqua, and Wiz are in the store. Wiz is tensely rearranging potions while Aqua struts around, showing off her "divine superiority." Cartman chews on something while observing the scene.

Aqua:

(Haughtily) "You should show some respect! It's not every day you have the honor of meeting Lady Aqua, Mistress of Water and Parties."

Wiz:

(Freezes, dropping a potion) "What...? Are you... Aqua? The deity worshipped by the Axis Cult?"

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "Yes, that's right. Our resident little goddess. Also known as the goddess of bad decisions and financial disasters."

Aqua:

(Angrily) "Shut up, Cartman!

Wiz:

(Fearfully) "Oh no... the Axis Cult is already a lunatic cult, but I don't want to imagine what their cult figure looks like in person!" This is worse than I thought..."

Before Aqua can respond, the shop door opens. A real estate salesman rushes in, wearing formal but somewhat dusty clothes. He's carrying a large briefcase.

Salesman:

(Enthusiastically) "Wiz! Just who I was looking for! I need your help urgently."

Wiz:

(Trying to smile, but visibly uncomfortable) "Help? With what, ex?"  "Actually?"

Salesman:

(Desperately) "It's about a mansion I have for sale. No matter how many times we exorcise it, the ghosts always come back. If you can deal with them, you can live there until I can sell it!"

Cartman, who was half asleep against a shelf, suddenly pays attention.

Cartman:

(Interrupting) "Live there? Like, in a real house? With beds and walls? And not a freaking stable?"

Salesman:

(Nodding) "Yeah, yeah, but we have to make sure the ghosts aren't a problem. The last few exorcisms haven't worked."

Cartman:

(Smirking) "Don't worry! My dog ​​and I will take care of it.

Wiz:

(Concerned) "...those ghosts."

Cartman:

(Ignoring Wiz) "Perfect! We're going to live in that mansion. I'm sick of the stables. Bitch, get moving and do your ghost magic or whatever!"

The mansion is large and run-down, with broken windows and an eerie feel. Cartman, Aqua, and Wiz stand in front of the door as a cold wind blows.

Aqua:

(Confidently) "This will be a piece of cake. Once I exorcise this mansion, it'll be ghost-free and our new house."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "This is one of those times I hope you're not useless at everything."

Inside, the mansion is filled with dusty furniture and cobwebs. A lamp flickers as a spirit walks through the wall, screaming eerily. Aqua prepares to act.

Aqua:

(Taking out her scepter) "Time to purify this house once and for all!"

Aqua begins casting holy magic, and the spirits begin to vanish with terrifying screams.

With the mansion seemingly free of ghosts, the group settles in. Aqua lies down on a rickety bed with a triumphant expression, while Cartman stands in the main room.

Cartman:

(Satisfied) "We did it. We have a house. A mansion, even. No more stables."

Aqua:

(From another room) "I'm a goddess, Cartman! Of course it's perfect, because I made it!"

Cartman grins wickedly.

The next day, at Wiz's shop. Cartman is sitting in an old chair, eating a porridge-like breakfast. Wiz is arranging some potions and jars on a makeshift shelf. Cartman, with a thoughtful expression, scratches his chin.

Cartman:

(To himself, but loud enough for Wiz to hear) "Why the hell didn't my brilliant pimping business work out? Those bitches Aqua, Darkness, aren't ugly. The blonde has a hot body!"

Wiz:

(Looking up, confused) "Pimp? What are you saying, Cartman?"

Cartman:

(Sighing) "It's obvious! I thought I could make some good money renting out the 'special services' of those two bitches. But I didn't get a single client. Is everyone neutered in this town?"

Wiz makes a horrified face as Cartman continues muttering, completely unconcerned with the ethical implications.

Wiz:

(Uncomfortably) "Maybe... I shouldn't ask you any more about that."

Cartman, ignoring him, abruptly stands up, leaving his breakfast half-eaten.

Cartman:

(Determined) "I'm going to find out what's going on in this place!"

Cartman walks through the town streets, watching the adventurers and residents. He stares at a group of drunken men staggering out of the guild. One of them is Dust, a well-known adventurer of questionable morals, along with his friend Keith.

Cartman:

(Grinning evilly) "They must know what's going on here."

Cartman follows Dust and Keith at a safe distance, hiding behind barrels and poles. The two men enter a seemingly ordinary diner. Cartman, intrigued, enters as well.

The place looks like an ordinary restaurant, with tables and food served. Dust and Keith sit in the back. Cartman watches them from a corner, but then notices something strange: there's a back door where a steady stream of men are coming in and out, all looking somewhat nervous and excited.

Cartman:

(Frowning) "That doesn't look like a kitchen. What the hell are you doing back there?"

Cartman gets up and walks to the back door. Upon opening it, he discovers a completely different area.

The place is lit with warm lights, and several succubi are standing around, serving the adventurers. But instead of dancing sensually or flirting, the succubi are handing and collecting forms, while the men attentively fill out the papers.

Cartman:

(Blinking) "What kind of strip bar is this? Why is everyone filling out paperwork?"

A succubus approaches Cartman with a professional smile and hands him a form.

Succubus:

"Welcome. Please fill out this form to personalize your experience... Aren't you a little young for this service?"

Cartman takes the paper and reads it carefully. His face quickly changes from confusion to malicious understanding.

Cartman:

(With a smile) "Oh, I see. This isn't a strip bar. It's a place where adventurers  They hire custom erotic dreams! This is brilliant!"

Succubus:

(Nodding) "That's right. If you need anything, I can call our manager."

Cartman:

(With Cartman's logic) "Yeah, call the boss! I want to speak to the man in charge of this place."

The office is simply decorated, with some papers scattered on a desk. Sitting behind the desk, dressed in a stylized version of manager clothes, is Butters. When he sees Cartman walk in, his face goes from relaxed to pure surprise.

Butters:

(Startled) "Eric Cartman! Is that you?"

Cartman:

(Equally surprised, but quickly returning to his sarcastic tone) "Butters? What the heck are you doing here? I thought you were in South Park being... well, you."

Butters:

(Excited) "Oh, gee! I died too and ended up reincarnated here. But, you know, this time I have a good job and everything. I'm the manager of this place!"

Cartman:

(With a raised eyebrow) "You, manager of a dream brothel? I didn't expect this from you."

Butters:

(Defensive) "It's not a brothel! It's a legitimate service that helps adventurers have the dreams they've always wanted."

Cartman:

(With a shark-like grin) "Oh, Butters... this is even better than I imagined. I have so many plans for us!"

Butters gulps, knowing that any "plan" Cartman has can only mean trouble.

Cartman:

(With a wicked grin) "So, what's become of you, Butters?" How did you go from being the most useless guy in South Park to... well, the most useless guy in a dream brothel?

Butters:

(With a mixture of pride and nervousness) "Oh, well, after... you know, you... died... I decided I had to do something different with my life. I moved to Japan to expand my kiss-rental business. But apparently someone didn't like it, and I ended up in prison."

Cartman:

(Laughing out loud) "Ha ha ha! Butters."

Butters:

(Sadly) "Well, yeah, but when I got out, I learned my lesson. I started a fake girlfriend-rental company for events. Until... well..."

Cartman:

(Impatiently) "Until what?"

Butters:

(With a nervous smile) "The police found out. I forgot I was on the top floor."

Cartman:

(Condescendingly) "Oh, Butters."

Butters:

(Enthusiastically) "But then I woke up in a weird place! There was a very kind angel, and he told me I could be reincarnated with a wish. So I said, 'I want to convince women to work with me.' I don't know why he looked at me weird, but the next thing I knew, I was here, and I opened this place!"

Cartman:

(Grinning like he'd just found a treasure) "Wow, Butters, your story is as pathetic as it is inspiring. Let me ask you something... how long have you been working nonstop?"

Butters:

(Confused) "Oh, well, I haven't taken a day off since I opened the business. Why?"

Cartman:

(Leaning on the desk, manipulative) "Butters, man, that's awful. Look, you need a vacation. A guy as talented as you can't burn out like that. Let me help you. I can run the place while you take a break."

Butters:

(Hesitating) "You... running my business?"

Cartman:

(With a fake smile) "Problems? Me? Of course not! Look, all I want is for you to be happy. Go on, take a week off, relax. Let Uncle Cartman take care of it."

Butters:

(Thoughtfully) "Well... I guess a little break wouldn't hurt..."

Cartman:

(Excitedly) "That's the way to talk, man! Now go ahead, and don't worry about a thing. I'll make this place run better than ever."

Cartman is sitting in the manager's chair, his feet up on the desk and a cigar in his mouth (even though there's no fire). The succubi are lined up in front of him, looking nervous.

Cartman:

(Banging a fist on the table) "Listen, ladies! From now on, this place has new rules. We're going to maximize profits. Any questions?"

A succubus timidly raises her hand.

Succubus:

(Concerned) "What does 'maximize profits' mean?"

Cartman:

(With a sly smile) "It means we're going to... 'expand the business.' It's not just dreams anymore. From now on, we're also offering 'premium experiences.' Something more personalized, something that will leave our customers begging for more... and paying double."

The succubi exchange glances, clearly worried.

Succubus 2:

"But... Mr. Cartman, we're succubi. We need energy to survive, not money."

Cartman:

(Disdainfully) "Ah, details, details! You guys keep up your energy-sucking thing, but you're also going to start earning a few coins for your efforts. This is capitalism! And guess who gets the biggest percentage..."

Succubus 3:

(Whispering) "What's capitalism?"

Cartman:

(Hearing her) "This is a business... with a little 'entrepreneurial' twist."

The scene shows a series of quick montages:

Cartman handing out forms to adventurers with inflated prices. Succubi  Clearly exhausted from serving long lines of customers, Cartman is counting coins and laughing maniacally.

The last shot is of a succubus slumping in a chair as she mutters:

Succubus:

"This is worse than hell..."

Cartman, eating a cake, replies:

Cartman:

(With a smile) "Welcome to the real world!"

Cartman is sitting in the manager's chair with his legs up on the desk, eating a cake. A succubus enters, looking exhausted.

Succubus:

(Whispering) "Mr. Manager, don't you think we should get some rest? We've been working all night... And we haven't used up enough energy."

Cartman:

(Disdainfully) "Rest! Do you think this is a union or something? Don't make me laugh. Go on, get out and keep serving."

The succubus sighs and leaves. Cartman leans back, satisfied, but his expression changes to thoughtful.

Cartman:

(To himself) "Hmm... you know what, Cartman? It's a good day. Butters is probably enjoying his vacation. Of course, he'd probably start freaking out if I didn't get here."

He is silent for a few seconds, chewing his cake.

Just as Cartman starts scratching his head, a loud alarm sounds throughout the city. A male voice comes through the megaphone.

Megaphone Voice:

"ATTENTION, ATTENTION! THE DESTROYER IS APPROACHING. I REPEAT, THE DESTROYER IS APPROACHING. PLEASE PREPARE TO EVACUATE OR FIND SHELTER."

Cartman jumps out of his chair, dropping the cake.

Cartman:

(Alarmed) "The Destroyer?" What the hell is that?"

TOWN STREETS

Cartman runs through the town streets, stopping adventurers and villagers as he shouts.

Cartman:

"Hey, you! What the hell is 'The Destroyer'? Is it a guy? A dragon? A bunch of flaming morons?"

The adventurers ignore him, clearly worried. 

Cartman in Konosuba 3

 Darkness (with a loud and determined voice, approaching Cartman and Aqua's table):

Excuse me! I heard you're recruiting for an adventuring team. Is that true?

(Cartman stops eating and looks Darkness up and down with a mixture of interest and mockery. Aqua, on the other hand, is already covering her face with her hands as if sensing trouble.)

Cartman (raising an eyebrow, interested):

And who are you, exactly?

Darkness (ignoring the comment, with a serious expression):

I am Darkness, an experienced paladin and devotee of justice. My main skill is taking damage to protect my allies.

(Cartman frowns for a moment, clearly confused.)

Cartman:

So... you're basically a human shield?

Darkness (nodding proudly, closing her eyes as if accepting her fate):

*That's right. I'm willing to endure any blow, any punishment, all for the sake of my team. Even if it means... *(dramatic pause, smiling slightly) ...repeatedly sacrificing myself for you.

(Aqua's eyes snap open, her expression instantly going from disbelief to resignation.)

Aqua (muttering to herself):

Oh, no... she's one of those girls...

Cartman (with a big, wicked grin):

I like the way you think, bitch! You're hired! Aqua, isn't that great? Finally, someone who'll do our dirty work for us!

Aqua (whispering quickly):

Cartman, you don't get it! This woman is—

Cartman (interrupting, ignoring her):

Shut up, Aqua! Darkness, welcome to the Big Bad Wolf bitches. Your first mission is tomorrow: When something wants to kill us, you step in front of it. Get it?

Darkness (blushing slightly, looking at Cartman with some admiration):

He's... he's a kid... and he's already taking the lead? He's so... so decisive. This is so... exhilarating.

(Darkness bites her lip, clearly excited. Aqua facepalms, completely defeated by the situation.)

The next day

We see the three of them walking through the streets of Axel while Darkness continues to get excited and Cartman continues to boast.)

Cartman (with an authoritarian tone):

So, Darkness Bitch, here's the plan. You'll be our tank. When a monster comes running at us, you jump in first. I'll stay back with Aqua because, well, I'm the brains of this group, and Aqua is basically useless.

Aqua (shouting):

Hey! I'm a goddess, show me some respect!

Cartman (sarcastically):

Don't mind her, Darkness. The "goddess" can't even beat a giant toad. Anyway, Darkness, are you ready to get beaten up over and over again while I do all the important work?

Darkness (pausing for a moment, looking up at the sky with a dreamy expression):

Yeah... I can take all the pain necessary. This body of mine is ready for any test. No matter how tough or humiliating the battle... I'll be there, protecting you.

(Cartman turns around, impressed.)

Cartman:

Wow, I like your attitude! It's like you were born to get your ass kicked by monsters to protect me! This is going to be great.

(Aqua stops behind them, looking at Darkness in horror, then back at Cartman.)

Aqua:

Cartman, she's not normal! Look how she's enjoying this!

Cartman (ignoring, clapping):

Perfect, Darkness Bitch! Basically, I'll throw you at the monsters and see how long you last before passing out. Don't worry, Aqua will heal you afterward.

(Darkness blushes even more, clearly excited.)

Darkness (muttering to herself):

This is... Everything I've ever wanted.

INSIDE THE GUILD TAVERN

Cartman is sitting at the guild table with his feet up, devouring a plate of meat like there's no tomorrow. Aqua is nearby, sitting with her arms crossed, looking traumatized, while Darkness is standing next to them, excited about her shiny armor.

Cartman:

(Chewing loudly) "Ah, this fantasy world is great! Meat, girls, and they're my bitches."

Aqua:

(Sighs, crossing her arms) "Yeah, sure, until a giant freaking toad swallows you whole. I'm not going on that stupid mission again, Cartman! You can't make me!"

Cartman:

(Without looking up from his plate) "Aqua, please. You can't give up after one fight. That's like saying you're not going to eat again because you stuffed yourself with chicken. Besides, we need money. My philosophy is simple: if you don't work, you don't eat."

Aqua:

(Pointing angrily) "That's you, the one who eats everything in sight! I was swallowed, Cartman, swallowed! And you can't imagine how I came out of it."

Darkness:

(Excited, blushing) "Swallowed by a giant toad? What an... intense experience!" I wonder how that would feel—"

Aqua:

(Interrupting her, horrified) "WHAT?! That's not something you should be excited about! What's wrong with you?"

Cartman:

(Pointing at a fried frog leg) "Hey, if that bitch Darkness wants to ex Exploring her... weird tastes while she makes us money, who am I to judge? She's our tank, right? She can cover for us while I come up with a plan."

Aqua:

(Pointing aggressively at Darkness) "The Toad tried to swallow you, but it choked on you, Cartman! You just run and scream!"

Cartman:

(Dry) "It's a talent, Aqua. It's called survival. You should try it sometime."

Darkness:

(Crossing his arms, determined) "Don't worry. If the toads try to eat someone again, I'll be ready. You can trust me, Cartman."

Cartman:

(Grinning) "I knew I liked you, Darkness bitch. Okay, let's go to the store!" I need to restock on magic ammo."

The trio stands in front of a muddy field filled with giant toads croaking loudly. Darkness is excited, Cartman looks confident with his cane, which he bought with the money he had from selling Aqua's clothes, and Aqua looks like she's about to cry.

Cartman:

(Pointing) "There are our targets, ladies! Time to make some money. Darkness, you lead the way. Aqua, you do... whatever it is you do."

Aqua:

(Screaming) "What am I supposed to do against those things?! I don't even have my good clothes because YOU SOLD THEM!"

Cartman:

(Smiling) "Well, then don't get eaten this time. I'll be in the back, leading like always!"

Darkness:

(Blushing, holding her sword) "Yeah, yeah, go ahead! I'll protect you. Let me be your human shield!"

Darkness runs to the front and begins to attract the toads. The toads try to hit her with their tongues, but she seems to enjoy every impact.

Darkness:

(Screaming excitedly) "Yes! Harder, you disgusting creatures! Give me your best shot!"

Cartman:

(Making a disgusted face) "Ugh, can someone tell her this isn't a BDSM club? We're working here."

Aqua:

(Whispering to Cartman) "I told you, she's got kinks. LOOK! She's enjoying it."

Cartman:

(Raising the cane) "Okay, let me show you how it's done. Fireball!"

Nothing happens. Cartman tries again, sweating.

Cartman:

(Screaming frustratedly) "Fireball! HADOUKEN! KAMEHAME—!* DAMN IT! Why isn't this stupid stick working?

Aqua:

(Exasperated) "Didn't you learn any magic skills first?!"

Cartman:

(Dropping the cane) "What kind of RPG is this where I have to work to cast spells?! This is robbery!"

Just then, a giant toad lunges at Aqua and swallows her in one fell swoop.

Aqua:

(From inside the toad) "NOT AGAIN! CARTMAN! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Cartman:

(Dry) "Get yourself out, you've already gotten out of a giant toad."

Darkness, meanwhile, looks at the toad that swallowed Aqua with a curious look and runs toward it.

Darkness:

(Happy) "That looks so interesting! I want to know what it feels like, too!"

Darkness lets another toad partially swallow her, while Cartman watches in disbelief.

Cartman:

(Angry) "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THIS ISN'T A COMPETITION!"

Finally, Darkness breaks her masochistic trance upon seeing Cartman and Aqua in danger. With a ferocious scream, she slashes the toad that caught Aqua and then her own, saving the day. Both are covered in slime.

Cartman:

(Breathing heavily) "Okay, Darkness, I'll admit it... you're a fucking psycho, but you're pretty resilient."

Aqua:

(Desperate) "I want a bath, a change of life, and to quit the group!"

Cartman:

(Pointing) "Shut up, Aqua. Let's get back to the guild before another toad shows up."

As they arrive at the guild, covered in slime, a megaphone alarm sounds in the distance.

Megaphone:

(Deep voice) "ALERT! REPO SEASON! SWARM ON THE WAY TO AXEL!"

Aqua:

Right, in this world, repoios are alive. Come back and fight to avoid being eaten.

Cartman:

(Confused) "What the heck is a repoio?"

Aqua:

(Desperate) "They're plant creatures that come out of the ground, fly, and defend themselves with powerful headbutts! It's a total disaster!"

Darkness:

(Excited) "Repoios? How exciting! Cartman, Aqua, behind me, I'll protect you!"

Cartman:

(Staring at her as Darkness doesn't even try to harm the repoios) "Oh my God, Darkness, are you enjoying those hits?"

A repoio flaps its wings, taking off with difficulty, before diving into a group of adventurers, sending them flying like bowling pins.

Darkness:

(Blushing, eyes shining) "LOOK OUT."

Cartman:

"That bitch has some stamina."

Darkness runs toward the repoios, taking a direct hit from one of them, which sends her flying into a tree. She gets up, laughing excitedly.

Darkness:

"Run away."

Cartman:

(Frustrated, taking out his adventurer card) Bitch, get out of the way. All those hits are hitting you.

Darkness:

"You think I'd abandon the fallen?"

Cartman:

"Literally those repos are destroying your clothes, I'm not going to buy you any clothes when this is over."

Darkness:

(Internal thought) "Those perverts are watching me! How embarrassing, how disgusting, and how r  ico"

Cartman finally checks his adventurer card and unlocks a basic spell. As Aqua knocks the downed repoios into the air and Darkness continues to take hits with a smile, Cartman casts his spell.

Finally, a group of adventurers manages to take down the remaining repoios. The trio returns to the guild, covered in mud, confetti, and repoio leaves.

Cartman slumps into a chair while Aqua drinks beer like there's no tomorrow. Darkness looks excited, covered in wounds.

Cartman:

(Frustrated) "This world is the worst. I'm working harder here than I am at school!"

Aqua:

(Drunk) "But we make money for the repoios, Cartman!"

Cartman:

(Looking at her, dryly) "Yes, Aqua. But the repoios you're going to deliver look different, I think they're sick."

[In the Guild Tavern the NEXT MORNING]

Cartman, Aqua, and Darkness are sitting at a guild table. Cartman lazily flips through the quest board while Darkness meticulously cleans her armor, clearly excited for the adventure ahead. Aqua, hungover, is leaning on the table with a pitcher of water.

Cartman:

(Pointing to a quest on the board) "Aha! This is perfect for me. 'Exterminate the Zombie Maker.' Easy, fast, and I can finally prove my greatness."

Aqua:

"Zombie Maker? That sounds... unpleasant, a king of the undead. But it won't be a problem for me."

Cartman:

"Won't be a problem for you? The other quests we've had say otherwise."

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "Cartman, if we face a Zombie Maker, that means hordes of the undead!" It'll be a glorious battle, full of suffering and danger!"

Cartman:

(Looking at her, bewildered) "I'm getting used to that level of madness."

Aqua sits up with difficulty, still swaying.

Aqua:

(Whispering, fearfully) "Zombie Maker... I'm her counter! An archpriest is an expert at dealing with the undead! And as a deity, I can purify her very easily."

Cartman:

(Cruel) "Drunk bitch, let's go then."

The group walks down a dark path toward the cemetery. Cartman is carrying his newly acquired staff, waving it arrogantly.

Cartman:

"Okay, plan for the day: I lead, Darkness takes the beatings as usual, and Aqua doesn't ruin everything, got it?"

Aqua:

"Oh, yeah, great plan, Cartman. You can count on me."

Cartman:

(Grinning maliciously) "I hope so, Bitch."

They arrive at the cemetery, a dark and eerie place with moss-covered gravestones. A female figure stands in the center, surrounded by a faintly glowing magic circle. Despite being a lich, she appears surprisingly young, wearing elegant robes and with wavy brown hair.

Wiz:

(In a friendly voice) "Oh, hi...?"

Cartman:

(Confused, pointing at her with his staff) "You? You're the Zombie Maker?"

Aqua:

(Pointing at Wiz angrily) "It's a lich! A creature of darkness! Leave it to me, Cartman! Holy exorcism!"

Aqua raises her staff, beginning to recite a spell. A glowing aura begins to form around her, but Cartman intervenes.

Cartman:

"Wait, crazy! We're not going to kill someone without hearing their side of the story first!"

Aqua:

(Indignant) "Her side?! She's a lich, Cartman! Liches are evil by definition!"

Darkness:

(Admiring Wiz) "She doesn't seem that evil. She's more... refined than I imagined. Maybe we could give her a try."

Wiz:

(Smiling nervously) "Um, thanks, I guess. Listen, I think there's a misunderstanding here."

Cartman:

(Crossing his arms) "Okay, Mrs. Zombie Maker, start talking before we leave you with the crazy party trick lady."

Wiz:

(Sighing) "My name is Wiz, and in life I was an archmage. Now, as a lich, I use my powers to help lost souls cross over to the afterlife. Zombies are just... an unfortunate side effect."

Aqua:

(Exasperated) "A side effect! You're desecrating graves and creating monsters that attack people!"

Wiz:

(Defensive) "I don't do it intentionally! The truth is, many can't afford priestly funerals because they're too expensive. So I do the best I can with my magic to guide them to peace."

Cartman:

(Interested) "Wait, wait. You're saying priests charge a lot for funerals? How much are we talking?"

Wiz:

(Nodding) "Some charge up to a month's worth of work, just for a basic ceremony."

Cartman:

(Impressed) "What? Those priests are basically mobsters in robes! It's a... it's a... That's a big business!"

Aqua:

(Offended) "It's not theft! It's divine service, and blessings come at a price."

Cartman:

(Looking at her, incredulous) "Shut up, bitch. I'm thinking about how to pick the wallets of the poor."

Darkness:

(Just processing) "So, Wiz, you're really not trying to do any harm?"

Wiz:

(Pleading) "Of course not! In fact, I always try to keep the zombies inside the graveyard. But my magic isn't perfect, and some manage to escape."

Cartman:

(Thinking o) "Hmm... This could work in my favor. Wiz, how good are you with other types of magic?"

Wiz:

(Modest) "Well, I was an Archmage, so I can handle just about any school of magic."

Cartman:

(Grinning from ear to ear) "Perfect. I'll make you a deal. We don't let Aqua turn you to dust, and you help me with a couple of spells. What do you say?"

Wiz:

(Confused, but grateful) "A deal? Really? I guess I can consider that..."

Aqua:

(Indignant) "What?! Cartman, you can't make deals with a lich! It's unnatural!"

Cartman:

(Shrugging) "Oh, shut up, Bitch. You can't even deal with a toad without getting eaten. Let me handle this."

So Wiz agreed to the deal, Cartman telling Aqua to charge less for the funeral services, but not to give away the job either.

The next day, Aqua sits at a table, staring at an empty plate while a group of angry people gather nearby, whispering and glaring at her. Cartman walks in confidently, drumming his fingers on his cane.

Cartman:

(Rubbing the money he earned from the Repios a few days ago on himself) "Yeah, money, yeah..."

Aqua:

(Mumbling, dejected) "I'm in trouble, Cartman. Yesterday I got a little in debt thinking our reward would be huge..."

Cartman:

(Raising an eyebrow) "A little? What did you do?"

Aqua:

(Frustrated) "Turns out most of the ones you caught were... lettuces, not Repios. And I barely got paid a few coins!"

Cartman:

(Looking at her in disbelief) "Lettuce?"

Aqua crosses her arms as one of the men approaches, banging the table.

Tough Man:

(Angrily) "Hey, Aqua! You owe me 500 eri for last night's rounds, and you better pay today, or we'll meet in the alley."

Cartman:

(Looking at the man, amused) "Wow! Someone's got fans, Aqua. What else did you promise him while you were drunk?"

Aqua:

(Desperately) "Nothing! I just thought I could pay for everything with the reward!"

Cartman:

(Sighs, putting a hand to his face) "Why am I stuck with this bunch of losers?"

Darkness sits next to Aqua.

Darkness:

(Excited) "Cartman! Did you hear the news? A general of the Demon King has moved near town! Imagine the challenge of facing him!"

Cartman:

(Feigning enthusiasm) "Oh, all right, bitch. I'll lend you money for that debt, but I'll charge you interest!"

Aqua snaps her head up, her face lit with despair. She goes to pay off her debt and comes back, analyzing Darkness's words.

Aqua:

"That explains why the quests have dropped so much! The weak monsters have fled, and now only the impossible ones remain! How am I going to pay my debts?!"

Cartman:

(Grinning wickedly) "Well, Aqua, I think I have a solution... And don't forget, you owe me money."

Aqua:

(Suspiciously) "What are you planning now, Cartman?"

Cartman:

(Grinning like the cat that ate the canary) "Relax, Aqua. Just follow my plan, and you'll soon be debt-free. Darkness, you're included, too!"

Cartman is standing under a streetlight, wearing a ridiculous hat and a pimp-like attitude. Aqua and Darkness are standing next to him, wearing flashy outfits that clearly weren't designed for combat.

Aqua:

(Angry and embarrassed) "This is humiliating, Cartman! I'm not participating in this!"

Cartman:

(Disdainfully) "Oh, come on, Aqua. This is an investment. A couple of hours of 'work' and we'll be rolling in money."

Darkness:

(Laughing uncomfortably) "Is this... real? I thought it was a joke... Oh... This is my fantasy come true."

Cartman:

(Pointing toward the street) "This bitch is weird! Anyway. Now move over and smile. The customers aren't going to come by themselves!"

Aqua crosses her arms, furious, while Darkness looks confused between embarrassment and excitement. However, the street remains completely empty.

Cartman sits on a box, frustrated, while Aqua and Darkness stare at him with their arms crossed.

Cartman:

(Exasperated) "Really? Not a single customer? What's wrong with this town? Did everyone become a monk?"

Aqua:

(Sarcastic) "Or maybe, Cartman, people here have standards."

Cartman:

(Drainily) "Shut up, bitch. This is your fault somehow, I'm sure."

Darkness sighs, putting on a gaudy cape.

Darkness:

"Well, at least we tried. Maybe it's better to find another solution for your debts, Aqua."

Cartman and Darkness stand in front of the creepy mansion of the recently moved-in Demon King General, Verdia. Cartman holds up a large rock, while Darkness looks excited.

Cartman:

(Maleficently) "If that dulahan wants to stay here, he'd better learn to deal with a little local 'hospitality.'"

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "Yeah! A duel with a Demon King General would be glorious!"

Cartman throws the rock at a window, shattering it. Moments later, the front door bursts open. And Verdia, the dulahan, appears carrying his head in one hand.

Verdia:

(Irritated) "Who dares disturb my rest?"

Cartman:

(Brazenly) "What's up, football head? We just came to welcome you to the neighborhood."

Verdia:

(Angrily) "Insolent mortals! You will pay for your audacity! I curse you, fat boy, to die in seven days!"

Verdia casts a dark spell, but Darkness willingly intervenes, receiving the curse with a smile.

Darkness:

(Ecstatic) "Relax! It wasn't that bad."

Verdia:

"Listen, Fatso, the paladin will die in a week, because of you."

Darkness proceeds to fantasize about how Verdia would force him to do perverted things in order to undo the curse. Verdia, uncomfortably, returns to his castle.

Aqua:

(Confidently) "Leave it to me. A dulahan is no match for the power of a goddess."

Aqua recites a sacred spell, and the curse disappears in a flash of light. Cartman looks on, impressed.

Cartman:

(Muttering) "Okay, that was... surprisingly helpful."

Aqua:

(Smirking) "Maybe you'll take me seriously now, Cartman."

Cartman:

(Shrugging) "Don't count on it."

The next day, Cartman was walking through the town square.

The square is filled with makeshift stalls, and Aqua is behind one displaying a row of hand-carved soaps in the exact shape of Darkness. The figure is surprisingly detailed and lifelike, and as people walk by, they murmur between awkward chuckles. Cartman walks through the square and, seeing Aqua, stops with an expression of disbelief.

Cartman:

(Pointing at the soaps) "What the heck is this, Aqua? Is that... Darkness in soap form? What kind of weird startup are you selling here?"

Aqua:

(Feigning innocence) "It's art! Plus, it's a fully functional soap! It cleanses the skin while maintaining a high-quality, realistic appearance!"

Cartman:

(Wiping away a tear of laughter) "High-quality? This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!"

Darkness appears behind Cartman, looking at the soaps with a mixture of curiosity and slight embarrassment.

Darkness:

(Confused) "Why... are there soaps that look like me? Aqua, is this some kind of joke?"

Aqua:

(Defensive) "It's a tribute! People love the figure of a true crusading knight, and you, Darkness, are the perfect example of beauty and strength."

Darkness:

(Blushing) "Well... if you look at it that way, I guess it's flattering."

Cartman grabs one of the soaps and inspects it closely. Then he starts laughing even louder.

Cartman:

"Oh my God! Is this anatomically correct? What kind of witchcraft is this, bitch?"

Aqua:

(Maleficent) "That's what makes it special! The more you use the soap, the less clothes it has! It's pure innovation!"

Cartman:

(Trying to contain laughter) "Okay, this is officially the best thing you've ever done, Aqua. Still, how much are you charging for these 'works of art'?"

Aqua:

(Happy) "Only 10 eris each! Isn't that a steal?"

Cartman:

(Dropping the soap) "10 ERIS!? You're stupider than I thought! You could sell this for thousands to the perverts in this town."

Aqua:

(Smiling) "I don't want to take advantage of people! It's a product accessible to everyone!"

Cartman:

(Frustrated) "It's not accessible, it's stupid! You're practically working for free, Aqua!"

A local guard approaches the stall, his expression serious. Aqua, who is in the middle of selling a soap to a happy old man, blanches at the sight.

Guard:

(Pointing at the soaps) "This is indecent and completely inappropriate for a public market! What are you thinking, selling products like this?"

Aqua:

(Nervous) "It's not indecent! It's functional art! What's wrong with selling soap?"

Guard:

(Crossing his arms) "The problem is these soaps are too... anatomically accurate! It's a violation of the rules of public decency!"

Cartman:

(Intervening, amused) "Come on, officer. The other day my dogs were almost naked on the street."

Guard:

(Frowning) "What did you say, brat! This is serious. I'm considering arresting you for this offense."

Aqua, panicking, reaches for something in her booth and quickly hands the officer one of the soaps.

Aqua:

(Desperately) "Take one, please! Consider it a gift. It's a limited-edition soap!"

The Guard looks at the soap, hesitant, and then puts it in his pocket with a slight blush.

Guard:

(Coughing) "Well... uh... maybe we can let this go... just make sure you don't do anything worse. I'll be watching you!"

The policeman hurries away as Cartman watches him go, mouth agape.

Cartman:

(Incredulous) "Did you just bribe a policeman with a Darkness soap? This is officially the weirdest day of my life!"

Aqua:

(Smiling proudly) "See! My soaps are amazing! Even the law respects them."

Cartman:

(Pointing at the empty stand) "Yeah, but as I was saying, you don't make a dime. You sell them at a bargain price! You're like... The goddess of economic idiots."

Aqua frowns as Darkness grabs a bar of soap and looks at it curiously.

Darkness:

(Dreamy) "It's impressive. I never thought I could...make something so anatomically precise. It's almost poetic."

Cartman:

(With a disgusted expression) "Okay, Bitch, please don't ever say anything like that again."

Aqua is sitting at the bar, staring at a pile of coins that barely adds up to a few eris. Cartman and Darkness sit next to her, with Cartman drinking a huge mug of beer.

Aqua:

(Sighing) "I thought I'd make it this time. But I sold so much that I barely made back what I spent on the materials."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "Oh, that's a surprise, Bitch. Who would have guessed?" "Wasn't selling luxury soaps for the price of cheap lettuce a successful business?"

Aqua:

(Shouting) "Shut up, Cartman! At least I'm doing something! What have you been doing lately?"

Cartman:

(Smiling) "What have I done? Oh, nothing. I've just been planning our next big adventure... We're going to pay another visit to General Dulahan."

Darkness smiles. Aqua:

(Wailing) "Please, no more of the Demon King's generals!"

Aqua goes to the guild, to the bulletin board, looking for an alternative. Aqua examines the assignments while Darkness and Cartman watch her from a nearby table.

Aqua:

(Excitedly, pointing at a mission) "Here it is! This one's perfect for me! I will purify the alligator-infested lake. It's a divine task, and those alligators won't stand a chance against my holy power."

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "A lake full of alligators... Sounds like a brutal challenge. Am I the only one who thinks this will be extremely exciting?"

Aqua:

(Defiantly) "Of course it will!"

Cartman:

(Whispering to Darkness) "This is going to be a disaster."

Aqua is inside a large iron cage, being transported in a horse-drawn wagon. Cartman sits in the wagon, flipping through a spell book with disinterest. Darkness is on horseback, surveying the area.

Aqua:

(From the cage) "This is humiliating. It's like being a monster being sold at auction!"

Cartman:

"They're alligators. You need this cage so you don't end up as sushi."

Darkness:

(Sighing) "It must be so intense being trapped, surrounded by dangerous creatures. I can't help but think about the thrill I'd get from being in that cage."

Cartman:

"That bitch is a lost cause."

The wagon arrives at the lake, which is covered in fog and filled with eerie sounds. Darkness dismounts her horse and drags the cage with Aqua to the shore.

Aqua:

(Scared) "Couldn't you have put it a little further from the water?" What if the alligators jump out?

Darkness:

(With a twinkle in her eye) "It's better this way. The adrenaline rush of being so close to danger...mnm."

Cartman:

(Sitting nearby, taking out a snack) "Aqua, if you die, I can keep your things, right? I just want to confirm before we start."

The alligators begin to rise from the water, surrounding the cage. Aqua begins to recite a purification spell, but her voice is shaking.

Aqua:

(Panic-ing) "Purification, purification, purification! Ahhh, they're coming for me!"

Cartman:

(Opening his spell book) "This is getting good."

Darkness:

(Determined, drawing his sword) "I can't just stand by while Aqua suffers!" I must join the battle."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "You're just saying that to go to the alligators, aren't you, bitch?"

Darkness runs into the water, pretending to confront the alligators. The animals attack her, but their bites barely damage her clothing, leaving her skin intact. She seems to enjoy the chaos.

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "This is magnificent!"

Cartman:

(Watching in amazement) "What the hell are you, bitch? Even now, nothing seems to do any real harm."

Aqua continues reciting the spell from her cage, as the alligators surround her. Finally, the water turns clear, and the alligators begin to retreat.

The cage is on the shore, with Aqua cowering in a corner, shivering. Darkness stands, her clothes in tatters, but with a satisfied smile. Cartman sits beside her, taking notes in his book.

Cartman:

(Wiping away a tear of laughter) "Well, Bitch, you did it. You purified the lake and put on the best comedy show I've seen in years. Get out of the cage, and we'll go collect the reward."

Aqua:

(Shaking) "I don't want to leave here. The cage is my only protection. It's safe. It's... my home now."

Darkness:

(Smiling) "I'm glad I helped. Although I'm sorry I didn't get to fight off more alligators."

Cartman:

(Looking at Aqua) "Anyway, let's go, Yellow Bitch, put her in the cart."

The cart moves slowly down the dusty road. Aqua is still in the cage, refusing to come out. Darkness is in the lead, humming a cheerful tune while Cartman flips through his spell book.

Suddenly, a hooded figure appears in the middle of the road, raising a hand to stop the cart.

Cartman:

(Confused, looking at the figure) "Kenny? What the hell are you doing here? And how did you survive this time?"

Ken:

(Dramatically pulling down his hood, revealing his face) "I'm not Kenny. I'm Ken. And I'm here for Aqua. Give her back right now, or face my wrath!"

Aqua:

(Looking confused from the cage) "Who are you? "Am I supposed to know you?"

Ken:

(Indignantly) "I'm the reincarnated adventurer that you, goddess Aqua, gave a second chance in this world! You gave me this divine sword." (Takes out a shining sword with a magical inscription.)

Aqua:

(Frowning, examining the sword) "Oh, that sword... I think I remember it. But I've reincarnated so many people that I honestly have no idea who you are."

Ken:

(Hurt) "How can you not remember me? You said yourself that I had great potential to save this world!"

Cartman:

(Suddenly laughing hysterically) "Oh my God! It's that Ken! The guy I met at fat camp. Ha! This is pure gold!"

Darkness:

(Confused) "Camp  Fat people? What's that?"

Cartman:

(Excited, pointing at Ken) "This jerk was a drug addict who was supposed to be in rehab. But he escaped and ended up working with me. I supplied him with food in exchange for pretending to be me when he was too busy eating."

Ken:

(Grinding his teeth) "Shut up, Cartman! I didn't come here to talk about the past. I came here for Aqua, because you clearly have Lady Aqua prisoner."

Cartman:

(Seemingly offended) "Hey, I asked for her as I wished, this bitch is mine."

Aqua:

(Embarrassed) "I had no idea such a fat kid would ask me for something so weird... I thought you wanted money or something!"

Ken:

(Enraged) "This is unacceptable! Cartman, I challenge you to a duel for Aqua's freedom. The fat wizard boy versus Ken, the sword master!"

The four stop in a nearby clearing. Darkness watches excitedly as Cartman and Ken prepare to face off. Aqua remains in the cage, looking worried.

Aqua:

(Whispering to Darkness) "I don't know if this is a good idea. Cartman will probably lose. With his bare hands, anyone his age could kick his ass."

Ken:

(Drawing his sword and pointing it at Cartman) "Get ready, Cartman. I will show no mercy."

Cartman:

(Smiling confidently as he flips through his spell book) "Ken, do you remember how you ended up getting squashed by Ms. Crabtree?" Because I'm about to make that look like a picnic."

Ken:

(Screaming while charging) "For Aqua!"

Cartman raises his hand and touches Ken's hand. A purple energy bursts out of Cartman's hand, as Ken is immobilized.

Cartman:

(In a low, sinister voice) "I love this. Exhausting Touch."

Ken falls to his knees instantly, panting and weakened.

Ken:

(Puzzled) "What... what is this? I can't move!"

Cartman:

(Grinning) "Oh, you thought I was just useless? Surprise, idiot. Thanks to my private lessons with a Lich, I'm basically a mini-lich. And now... give me all your money or I'll take your sword too."

Aqua:

(From the cage, surprised) "Since when can you do that?"

Cartman:

(With a cocky grin) "Since I decided I didn't want to die in this world. Oh, and by the way! This duel ends here. I win!"

Ken faints, defeated, while Darkness claps enthusiastically.

Darkness:

(Fascinated) "How amazing! That spell was so dark... and so beautiful."

Aqua:

(Still in the cage) "This can't be happening. I'm trapped with a bunch of crazy people."

Cartman smiles as he begins searching Ken for money or candy.