Cartman in Konosuba 3

 Darkness (with a loud and determined voice, approaching Cartman and Aqua's table):

Excuse me! I heard you're recruiting for an adventuring team. Is that true?

(Cartman stops eating and looks Darkness up and down with a mixture of interest and mockery. Aqua, on the other hand, is already covering her face with her hands as if sensing trouble.)

Cartman (raising an eyebrow, interested):

And who are you, exactly?

Darkness (ignoring the comment, with a serious expression):

I am Darkness, an experienced paladin and devotee of justice. My main skill is taking damage to protect my allies.

(Cartman frowns for a moment, clearly confused.)

Cartman:

So... you're basically a human shield?

Darkness (nodding proudly, closing her eyes as if accepting her fate):

*That's right. I'm willing to endure any blow, any punishment, all for the sake of my team. Even if it means... *(dramatic pause, smiling slightly) ...repeatedly sacrificing myself for you.

(Aqua's eyes snap open, her expression instantly going from disbelief to resignation.)

Aqua (muttering to herself):

Oh, no... she's one of those girls...

Cartman (with a big, wicked grin):

I like the way you think, bitch! You're hired! Aqua, isn't that great? Finally, someone who'll do our dirty work for us!

Aqua (whispering quickly):

Cartman, you don't get it! This woman is—

Cartman (interrupting, ignoring her):

Shut up, Aqua! Darkness, welcome to the Big Bad Wolf bitches. Your first mission is tomorrow: When something wants to kill us, you step in front of it. Get it?

Darkness (blushing slightly, looking at Cartman with some admiration):

He's... he's a kid... and he's already taking the lead? He's so... so decisive. This is so... exhilarating.

(Darkness bites her lip, clearly excited. Aqua facepalms, completely defeated by the situation.)

The next day

We see the three of them walking through the streets of Axel while Darkness continues to get excited and Cartman continues to boast.)

Cartman (with an authoritarian tone):

So, Darkness Bitch, here's the plan. You'll be our tank. When a monster comes running at us, you jump in first. I'll stay back with Aqua because, well, I'm the brains of this group, and Aqua is basically useless.

Aqua (shouting):

Hey! I'm a goddess, show me some respect!

Cartman (sarcastically):

Don't mind her, Darkness. The "goddess" can't even beat a giant toad. Anyway, Darkness, are you ready to get beaten up over and over again while I do all the important work?

Darkness (pausing for a moment, looking up at the sky with a dreamy expression):

Yeah... I can take all the pain necessary. This body of mine is ready for any test. No matter how tough or humiliating the battle... I'll be there, protecting you.

(Cartman turns around, impressed.)

Cartman:

Wow, I like your attitude! It's like you were born to get your ass kicked by monsters to protect me! This is going to be great.

(Aqua stops behind them, looking at Darkness in horror, then back at Cartman.)

Aqua:

Cartman, she's not normal! Look how she's enjoying this!

Cartman (ignoring, clapping):

Perfect, Darkness Bitch! Basically, I'll throw you at the monsters and see how long you last before passing out. Don't worry, Aqua will heal you afterward.

(Darkness blushes even more, clearly excited.)

Darkness (muttering to herself):

This is... Everything I've ever wanted.

INSIDE THE GUILD TAVERN

Cartman is sitting at the guild table with his feet up, devouring a plate of meat like there's no tomorrow. Aqua is nearby, sitting with her arms crossed, looking traumatized, while Darkness is standing next to them, excited about her shiny armor.

Cartman:

(Chewing loudly) "Ah, this fantasy world is great! Meat, girls, and they're my bitches."

Aqua:

(Sighs, crossing her arms) "Yeah, sure, until a giant freaking toad swallows you whole. I'm not going on that stupid mission again, Cartman! You can't make me!"

Cartman:

(Without looking up from his plate) "Aqua, please. You can't give up after one fight. That's like saying you're not going to eat again because you stuffed yourself with chicken. Besides, we need money. My philosophy is simple: if you don't work, you don't eat."

Aqua:

(Pointing angrily) "That's you, the one who eats everything in sight! I was swallowed, Cartman, swallowed! And you can't imagine how I came out of it."

Darkness:

(Excited, blushing) "Swallowed by a giant toad? What an... intense experience!" I wonder how that would feel—"

Aqua:

(Interrupting her, horrified) "WHAT?! That's not something you should be excited about! What's wrong with you?"

Cartman:

(Pointing at a fried frog leg) "Hey, if that bitch Darkness wants to ex Exploring her... weird tastes while she makes us money, who am I to judge? She's our tank, right? She can cover for us while I come up with a plan."

Aqua:

(Pointing aggressively at Darkness) "The Toad tried to swallow you, but it choked on you, Cartman! You just run and scream!"

Cartman:

(Dry) "It's a talent, Aqua. It's called survival. You should try it sometime."

Darkness:

(Crossing his arms, determined) "Don't worry. If the toads try to eat someone again, I'll be ready. You can trust me, Cartman."

Cartman:

(Grinning) "I knew I liked you, Darkness bitch. Okay, let's go to the store!" I need to restock on magic ammo."

The trio stands in front of a muddy field filled with giant toads croaking loudly. Darkness is excited, Cartman looks confident with his cane, which he bought with the money he had from selling Aqua's clothes, and Aqua looks like she's about to cry.

Cartman:

(Pointing) "There are our targets, ladies! Time to make some money. Darkness, you lead the way. Aqua, you do... whatever it is you do."

Aqua:

(Screaming) "What am I supposed to do against those things?! I don't even have my good clothes because YOU SOLD THEM!"

Cartman:

(Smiling) "Well, then don't get eaten this time. I'll be in the back, leading like always!"

Darkness:

(Blushing, holding her sword) "Yeah, yeah, go ahead! I'll protect you. Let me be your human shield!"

Darkness runs to the front and begins to attract the toads. The toads try to hit her with their tongues, but she seems to enjoy every impact.

Darkness:

(Screaming excitedly) "Yes! Harder, you disgusting creatures! Give me your best shot!"

Cartman:

(Making a disgusted face) "Ugh, can someone tell her this isn't a BDSM club? We're working here."

Aqua:

(Whispering to Cartman) "I told you, she's got kinks. LOOK! She's enjoying it."

Cartman:

(Raising the cane) "Okay, let me show you how it's done. Fireball!"

Nothing happens. Cartman tries again, sweating.

Cartman:

(Screaming frustratedly) "Fireball! HADOUKEN! KAMEHAME—!* DAMN IT! Why isn't this stupid stick working?

Aqua:

(Exasperated) "Didn't you learn any magic skills first?!"

Cartman:

(Dropping the cane) "What kind of RPG is this where I have to work to cast spells?! This is robbery!"

Just then, a giant toad lunges at Aqua and swallows her in one fell swoop.

Aqua:

(From inside the toad) "NOT AGAIN! CARTMAN! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Cartman:

(Dry) "Get yourself out, you've already gotten out of a giant toad."

Darkness, meanwhile, looks at the toad that swallowed Aqua with a curious look and runs toward it.

Darkness:

(Happy) "That looks so interesting! I want to know what it feels like, too!"

Darkness lets another toad partially swallow her, while Cartman watches in disbelief.

Cartman:

(Angry) "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THIS ISN'T A COMPETITION!"

Finally, Darkness breaks her masochistic trance upon seeing Cartman and Aqua in danger. With a ferocious scream, she slashes the toad that caught Aqua and then her own, saving the day. Both are covered in slime.

Cartman:

(Breathing heavily) "Okay, Darkness, I'll admit it... you're a fucking psycho, but you're pretty resilient."

Aqua:

(Desperate) "I want a bath, a change of life, and to quit the group!"

Cartman:

(Pointing) "Shut up, Aqua. Let's get back to the guild before another toad shows up."

As they arrive at the guild, covered in slime, a megaphone alarm sounds in the distance.

Megaphone:

(Deep voice) "ALERT! REPO SEASON! SWARM ON THE WAY TO AXEL!"

Aqua:

Right, in this world, repoios are alive. Come back and fight to avoid being eaten.

Cartman:

(Confused) "What the heck is a repoio?"

Aqua:

(Desperate) "They're plant creatures that come out of the ground, fly, and defend themselves with powerful headbutts! It's a total disaster!"

Darkness:

(Excited) "Repoios? How exciting! Cartman, Aqua, behind me, I'll protect you!"

Cartman:

(Staring at her as Darkness doesn't even try to harm the repoios) "Oh my God, Darkness, are you enjoying those hits?"

A repoio flaps its wings, taking off with difficulty, before diving into a group of adventurers, sending them flying like bowling pins.

Darkness:

(Blushing, eyes shining) "LOOK OUT."

Cartman:

"That bitch has some stamina."

Darkness runs toward the repoios, taking a direct hit from one of them, which sends her flying into a tree. She gets up, laughing excitedly.

Darkness:

"Run away."

Cartman:

(Frustrated, taking out his adventurer card) Bitch, get out of the way. All those hits are hitting you.

Darkness:

"You think I'd abandon the fallen?"

Cartman:

"Literally those repos are destroying your clothes, I'm not going to buy you any clothes when this is over."

Darkness:

(Internal thought) "Those perverts are watching me! How embarrassing, how disgusting, and how r  ico"

Cartman finally checks his adventurer card and unlocks a basic spell. As Aqua knocks the downed repoios into the air and Darkness continues to take hits with a smile, Cartman casts his spell.

Finally, a group of adventurers manages to take down the remaining repoios. The trio returns to the guild, covered in mud, confetti, and repoio leaves.

Cartman slumps into a chair while Aqua drinks beer like there's no tomorrow. Darkness looks excited, covered in wounds.

Cartman:

(Frustrated) "This world is the worst. I'm working harder here than I am at school!"

Aqua:

(Drunk) "But we make money for the repoios, Cartman!"

Cartman:

(Looking at her, dryly) "Yes, Aqua. But the repoios you're going to deliver look different, I think they're sick."

[In the Guild Tavern the NEXT MORNING]

Cartman, Aqua, and Darkness are sitting at a guild table. Cartman lazily flips through the quest board while Darkness meticulously cleans her armor, clearly excited for the adventure ahead. Aqua, hungover, is leaning on the table with a pitcher of water.

Cartman:

(Pointing to a quest on the board) "Aha! This is perfect for me. 'Exterminate the Zombie Maker.' Easy, fast, and I can finally prove my greatness."

Aqua:

"Zombie Maker? That sounds... unpleasant, a king of the undead. But it won't be a problem for me."

Cartman:

"Won't be a problem for you? The other quests we've had say otherwise."

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "Cartman, if we face a Zombie Maker, that means hordes of the undead!" It'll be a glorious battle, full of suffering and danger!"

Cartman:

(Looking at her, bewildered) "I'm getting used to that level of madness."

Aqua sits up with difficulty, still swaying.

Aqua:

(Whispering, fearfully) "Zombie Maker... I'm her counter! An archpriest is an expert at dealing with the undead! And as a deity, I can purify her very easily."

Cartman:

(Cruel) "Drunk bitch, let's go then."

The group walks down a dark path toward the cemetery. Cartman is carrying his newly acquired staff, waving it arrogantly.

Cartman:

"Okay, plan for the day: I lead, Darkness takes the beatings as usual, and Aqua doesn't ruin everything, got it?"

Aqua:

"Oh, yeah, great plan, Cartman. You can count on me."

Cartman:

(Grinning maliciously) "I hope so, Bitch."

They arrive at the cemetery, a dark and eerie place with moss-covered gravestones. A female figure stands in the center, surrounded by a faintly glowing magic circle. Despite being a lich, she appears surprisingly young, wearing elegant robes and with wavy brown hair.

Wiz:

(In a friendly voice) "Oh, hi...?"

Cartman:

(Confused, pointing at her with his staff) "You? You're the Zombie Maker?"

Aqua:

(Pointing at Wiz angrily) "It's a lich! A creature of darkness! Leave it to me, Cartman! Holy exorcism!"

Aqua raises her staff, beginning to recite a spell. A glowing aura begins to form around her, but Cartman intervenes.

Cartman:

"Wait, crazy! We're not going to kill someone without hearing their side of the story first!"

Aqua:

(Indignant) "Her side?! She's a lich, Cartman! Liches are evil by definition!"

Darkness:

(Admiring Wiz) "She doesn't seem that evil. She's more... refined than I imagined. Maybe we could give her a try."

Wiz:

(Smiling nervously) "Um, thanks, I guess. Listen, I think there's a misunderstanding here."

Cartman:

(Crossing his arms) "Okay, Mrs. Zombie Maker, start talking before we leave you with the crazy party trick lady."

Wiz:

(Sighing) "My name is Wiz, and in life I was an archmage. Now, as a lich, I use my powers to help lost souls cross over to the afterlife. Zombies are just... an unfortunate side effect."

Aqua:

(Exasperated) "A side effect! You're desecrating graves and creating monsters that attack people!"

Wiz:

(Defensive) "I don't do it intentionally! The truth is, many can't afford priestly funerals because they're too expensive. So I do the best I can with my magic to guide them to peace."

Cartman:

(Interested) "Wait, wait. You're saying priests charge a lot for funerals? How much are we talking?"

Wiz:

(Nodding) "Some charge up to a month's worth of work, just for a basic ceremony."

Cartman:

(Impressed) "What? Those priests are basically mobsters in robes! It's a... it's a... That's a big business!"

Aqua:

(Offended) "It's not theft! It's divine service, and blessings come at a price."

Cartman:

(Looking at her, incredulous) "Shut up, bitch. I'm thinking about how to pick the wallets of the poor."

Darkness:

(Just processing) "So, Wiz, you're really not trying to do any harm?"

Wiz:

(Pleading) "Of course not! In fact, I always try to keep the zombies inside the graveyard. But my magic isn't perfect, and some manage to escape."

Cartman:

(Thinking o) "Hmm... This could work in my favor. Wiz, how good are you with other types of magic?"

Wiz:

(Modest) "Well, I was an Archmage, so I can handle just about any school of magic."

Cartman:

(Grinning from ear to ear) "Perfect. I'll make you a deal. We don't let Aqua turn you to dust, and you help me with a couple of spells. What do you say?"

Wiz:

(Confused, but grateful) "A deal? Really? I guess I can consider that..."

Aqua:

(Indignant) "What?! Cartman, you can't make deals with a lich! It's unnatural!"

Cartman:

(Shrugging) "Oh, shut up, Bitch. You can't even deal with a toad without getting eaten. Let me handle this."

So Wiz agreed to the deal, Cartman telling Aqua to charge less for the funeral services, but not to give away the job either.

The next day, Aqua sits at a table, staring at an empty plate while a group of angry people gather nearby, whispering and glaring at her. Cartman walks in confidently, drumming his fingers on his cane.

Cartman:

(Rubbing the money he earned from the Repios a few days ago on himself) "Yeah, money, yeah..."

Aqua:

(Mumbling, dejected) "I'm in trouble, Cartman. Yesterday I got a little in debt thinking our reward would be huge..."

Cartman:

(Raising an eyebrow) "A little? What did you do?"

Aqua:

(Frustrated) "Turns out most of the ones you caught were... lettuces, not Repios. And I barely got paid a few coins!"

Cartman:

(Looking at her in disbelief) "Lettuce?"

Aqua crosses her arms as one of the men approaches, banging the table.

Tough Man:

(Angrily) "Hey, Aqua! You owe me 500 eri for last night's rounds, and you better pay today, or we'll meet in the alley."

Cartman:

(Looking at the man, amused) "Wow! Someone's got fans, Aqua. What else did you promise him while you were drunk?"

Aqua:

(Desperately) "Nothing! I just thought I could pay for everything with the reward!"

Cartman:

(Sighs, putting a hand to his face) "Why am I stuck with this bunch of losers?"

Darkness sits next to Aqua.

Darkness:

(Excited) "Cartman! Did you hear the news? A general of the Demon King has moved near town! Imagine the challenge of facing him!"

Cartman:

(Feigning enthusiasm) "Oh, all right, bitch. I'll lend you money for that debt, but I'll charge you interest!"

Aqua snaps her head up, her face lit with despair. She goes to pay off her debt and comes back, analyzing Darkness's words.

Aqua:

"That explains why the quests have dropped so much! The weak monsters have fled, and now only the impossible ones remain! How am I going to pay my debts?!"

Cartman:

(Grinning wickedly) "Well, Aqua, I think I have a solution... And don't forget, you owe me money."

Aqua:

(Suspiciously) "What are you planning now, Cartman?"

Cartman:

(Grinning like the cat that ate the canary) "Relax, Aqua. Just follow my plan, and you'll soon be debt-free. Darkness, you're included, too!"

Cartman is standing under a streetlight, wearing a ridiculous hat and a pimp-like attitude. Aqua and Darkness are standing next to him, wearing flashy outfits that clearly weren't designed for combat.

Aqua:

(Angry and embarrassed) "This is humiliating, Cartman! I'm not participating in this!"

Cartman:

(Disdainfully) "Oh, come on, Aqua. This is an investment. A couple of hours of 'work' and we'll be rolling in money."

Darkness:

(Laughing uncomfortably) "Is this... real? I thought it was a joke... Oh... This is my fantasy come true."

Cartman:

(Pointing toward the street) "This bitch is weird! Anyway. Now move over and smile. The customers aren't going to come by themselves!"

Aqua crosses her arms, furious, while Darkness looks confused between embarrassment and excitement. However, the street remains completely empty.

Cartman sits on a box, frustrated, while Aqua and Darkness stare at him with their arms crossed.

Cartman:

(Exasperated) "Really? Not a single customer? What's wrong with this town? Did everyone become a monk?"

Aqua:

(Sarcastic) "Or maybe, Cartman, people here have standards."

Cartman:

(Drainily) "Shut up, bitch. This is your fault somehow, I'm sure."

Darkness sighs, putting on a gaudy cape.

Darkness:

"Well, at least we tried. Maybe it's better to find another solution for your debts, Aqua."

Cartman and Darkness stand in front of the creepy mansion of the recently moved-in Demon King General, Verdia. Cartman holds up a large rock, while Darkness looks excited.

Cartman:

(Maleficently) "If that dulahan wants to stay here, he'd better learn to deal with a little local 'hospitality.'"

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "Yeah! A duel with a Demon King General would be glorious!"

Cartman throws the rock at a window, shattering it. Moments later, the front door bursts open. And Verdia, the dulahan, appears carrying his head in one hand.

Verdia:

(Irritated) "Who dares disturb my rest?"

Cartman:

(Brazenly) "What's up, football head? We just came to welcome you to the neighborhood."

Verdia:

(Angrily) "Insolent mortals! You will pay for your audacity! I curse you, fat boy, to die in seven days!"

Verdia casts a dark spell, but Darkness willingly intervenes, receiving the curse with a smile.

Darkness:

(Ecstatic) "Relax! It wasn't that bad."

Verdia:

"Listen, Fatso, the paladin will die in a week, because of you."

Darkness proceeds to fantasize about how Verdia would force him to do perverted things in order to undo the curse. Verdia, uncomfortably, returns to his castle.

Aqua:

(Confidently) "Leave it to me. A dulahan is no match for the power of a goddess."

Aqua recites a sacred spell, and the curse disappears in a flash of light. Cartman looks on, impressed.

Cartman:

(Muttering) "Okay, that was... surprisingly helpful."

Aqua:

(Smirking) "Maybe you'll take me seriously now, Cartman."

Cartman:

(Shrugging) "Don't count on it."

The next day, Cartman was walking through the town square.

The square is filled with makeshift stalls, and Aqua is behind one displaying a row of hand-carved soaps in the exact shape of Darkness. The figure is surprisingly detailed and lifelike, and as people walk by, they murmur between awkward chuckles. Cartman walks through the square and, seeing Aqua, stops with an expression of disbelief.

Cartman:

(Pointing at the soaps) "What the heck is this, Aqua? Is that... Darkness in soap form? What kind of weird startup are you selling here?"

Aqua:

(Feigning innocence) "It's art! Plus, it's a fully functional soap! It cleanses the skin while maintaining a high-quality, realistic appearance!"

Cartman:

(Wiping away a tear of laughter) "High-quality? This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!"

Darkness appears behind Cartman, looking at the soaps with a mixture of curiosity and slight embarrassment.

Darkness:

(Confused) "Why... are there soaps that look like me? Aqua, is this some kind of joke?"

Aqua:

(Defensive) "It's a tribute! People love the figure of a true crusading knight, and you, Darkness, are the perfect example of beauty and strength."

Darkness:

(Blushing) "Well... if you look at it that way, I guess it's flattering."

Cartman grabs one of the soaps and inspects it closely. Then he starts laughing even louder.

Cartman:

"Oh my God! Is this anatomically correct? What kind of witchcraft is this, bitch?"

Aqua:

(Maleficent) "That's what makes it special! The more you use the soap, the less clothes it has! It's pure innovation!"

Cartman:

(Trying to contain laughter) "Okay, this is officially the best thing you've ever done, Aqua. Still, how much are you charging for these 'works of art'?"

Aqua:

(Happy) "Only 10 eris each! Isn't that a steal?"

Cartman:

(Dropping the soap) "10 ERIS!? You're stupider than I thought! You could sell this for thousands to the perverts in this town."

Aqua:

(Smiling) "I don't want to take advantage of people! It's a product accessible to everyone!"

Cartman:

(Frustrated) "It's not accessible, it's stupid! You're practically working for free, Aqua!"

A local guard approaches the stall, his expression serious. Aqua, who is in the middle of selling a soap to a happy old man, blanches at the sight.

Guard:

(Pointing at the soaps) "This is indecent and completely inappropriate for a public market! What are you thinking, selling products like this?"

Aqua:

(Nervous) "It's not indecent! It's functional art! What's wrong with selling soap?"

Guard:

(Crossing his arms) "The problem is these soaps are too... anatomically accurate! It's a violation of the rules of public decency!"

Cartman:

(Intervening, amused) "Come on, officer. The other day my dogs were almost naked on the street."

Guard:

(Frowning) "What did you say, brat! This is serious. I'm considering arresting you for this offense."

Aqua, panicking, reaches for something in her booth and quickly hands the officer one of the soaps.

Aqua:

(Desperately) "Take one, please! Consider it a gift. It's a limited-edition soap!"

The Guard looks at the soap, hesitant, and then puts it in his pocket with a slight blush.

Guard:

(Coughing) "Well... uh... maybe we can let this go... just make sure you don't do anything worse. I'll be watching you!"

The policeman hurries away as Cartman watches him go, mouth agape.

Cartman:

(Incredulous) "Did you just bribe a policeman with a Darkness soap? This is officially the weirdest day of my life!"

Aqua:

(Smiling proudly) "See! My soaps are amazing! Even the law respects them."

Cartman:

(Pointing at the empty stand) "Yeah, but as I was saying, you don't make a dime. You sell them at a bargain price! You're like... The goddess of economic idiots."

Aqua frowns as Darkness grabs a bar of soap and looks at it curiously.

Darkness:

(Dreamy) "It's impressive. I never thought I could...make something so anatomically precise. It's almost poetic."

Cartman:

(With a disgusted expression) "Okay, Bitch, please don't ever say anything like that again."

Aqua is sitting at the bar, staring at a pile of coins that barely adds up to a few eris. Cartman and Darkness sit next to her, with Cartman drinking a huge mug of beer.

Aqua:

(Sighing) "I thought I'd make it this time. But I sold so much that I barely made back what I spent on the materials."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "Oh, that's a surprise, Bitch. Who would have guessed?" "Wasn't selling luxury soaps for the price of cheap lettuce a successful business?"

Aqua:

(Shouting) "Shut up, Cartman! At least I'm doing something! What have you been doing lately?"

Cartman:

(Smiling) "What have I done? Oh, nothing. I've just been planning our next big adventure... We're going to pay another visit to General Dulahan."

Darkness smiles. Aqua:

(Wailing) "Please, no more of the Demon King's generals!"

Aqua goes to the guild, to the bulletin board, looking for an alternative. Aqua examines the assignments while Darkness and Cartman watch her from a nearby table.

Aqua:

(Excitedly, pointing at a mission) "Here it is! This one's perfect for me! I will purify the alligator-infested lake. It's a divine task, and those alligators won't stand a chance against my holy power."

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "A lake full of alligators... Sounds like a brutal challenge. Am I the only one who thinks this will be extremely exciting?"

Aqua:

(Defiantly) "Of course it will!"

Cartman:

(Whispering to Darkness) "This is going to be a disaster."

Aqua is inside a large iron cage, being transported in a horse-drawn wagon. Cartman sits in the wagon, flipping through a spell book with disinterest. Darkness is on horseback, surveying the area.

Aqua:

(From the cage) "This is humiliating. It's like being a monster being sold at auction!"

Cartman:

"They're alligators. You need this cage so you don't end up as sushi."

Darkness:

(Sighing) "It must be so intense being trapped, surrounded by dangerous creatures. I can't help but think about the thrill I'd get from being in that cage."

Cartman:

"That bitch is a lost cause."

The wagon arrives at the lake, which is covered in fog and filled with eerie sounds. Darkness dismounts her horse and drags the cage with Aqua to the shore.

Aqua:

(Scared) "Couldn't you have put it a little further from the water?" What if the alligators jump out?

Darkness:

(With a twinkle in her eye) "It's better this way. The adrenaline rush of being so close to danger...mnm."

Cartman:

(Sitting nearby, taking out a snack) "Aqua, if you die, I can keep your things, right? I just want to confirm before we start."

The alligators begin to rise from the water, surrounding the cage. Aqua begins to recite a purification spell, but her voice is shaking.

Aqua:

(Panic-ing) "Purification, purification, purification! Ahhh, they're coming for me!"

Cartman:

(Opening his spell book) "This is getting good."

Darkness:

(Determined, drawing his sword) "I can't just stand by while Aqua suffers!" I must join the battle."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "You're just saying that to go to the alligators, aren't you, bitch?"

Darkness runs into the water, pretending to confront the alligators. The animals attack her, but their bites barely damage her clothing, leaving her skin intact. She seems to enjoy the chaos.

Darkness:

(Excitedly) "This is magnificent!"

Cartman:

(Watching in amazement) "What the hell are you, bitch? Even now, nothing seems to do any real harm."

Aqua continues reciting the spell from her cage, as the alligators surround her. Finally, the water turns clear, and the alligators begin to retreat.

The cage is on the shore, with Aqua cowering in a corner, shivering. Darkness stands, her clothes in tatters, but with a satisfied smile. Cartman sits beside her, taking notes in his book.

Cartman:

(Wiping away a tear of laughter) "Well, Bitch, you did it. You purified the lake and put on the best comedy show I've seen in years. Get out of the cage, and we'll go collect the reward."

Aqua:

(Shaking) "I don't want to leave here. The cage is my only protection. It's safe. It's... my home now."

Darkness:

(Smiling) "I'm glad I helped. Although I'm sorry I didn't get to fight off more alligators."

Cartman:

(Looking at Aqua) "Anyway, let's go, Yellow Bitch, put her in the cart."

The cart moves slowly down the dusty road. Aqua is still in the cage, refusing to come out. Darkness is in the lead, humming a cheerful tune while Cartman flips through his spell book.

Suddenly, a hooded figure appears in the middle of the road, raising a hand to stop the cart.

Cartman:

(Confused, looking at the figure) "Kenny? What the hell are you doing here? And how did you survive this time?"

Ken:

(Dramatically pulling down his hood, revealing his face) "I'm not Kenny. I'm Ken. And I'm here for Aqua. Give her back right now, or face my wrath!"

Aqua:

(Looking confused from the cage) "Who are you? "Am I supposed to know you?"

Ken:

(Indignantly) "I'm the reincarnated adventurer that you, goddess Aqua, gave a second chance in this world! You gave me this divine sword." (Takes out a shining sword with a magical inscription.)

Aqua:

(Frowning, examining the sword) "Oh, that sword... I think I remember it. But I've reincarnated so many people that I honestly have no idea who you are."

Ken:

(Hurt) "How can you not remember me? You said yourself that I had great potential to save this world!"

Cartman:

(Suddenly laughing hysterically) "Oh my God! It's that Ken! The guy I met at fat camp. Ha! This is pure gold!"

Darkness:

(Confused) "Camp  Fat people? What's that?"

Cartman:

(Excited, pointing at Ken) "This jerk was a drug addict who was supposed to be in rehab. But he escaped and ended up working with me. I supplied him with food in exchange for pretending to be me when he was too busy eating."

Ken:

(Grinding his teeth) "Shut up, Cartman! I didn't come here to talk about the past. I came here for Aqua, because you clearly have Lady Aqua prisoner."

Cartman:

(Seemingly offended) "Hey, I asked for her as I wished, this bitch is mine."

Aqua:

(Embarrassed) "I had no idea such a fat kid would ask me for something so weird... I thought you wanted money or something!"

Ken:

(Enraged) "This is unacceptable! Cartman, I challenge you to a duel for Aqua's freedom. The fat wizard boy versus Ken, the sword master!"

The four stop in a nearby clearing. Darkness watches excitedly as Cartman and Ken prepare to face off. Aqua remains in the cage, looking worried.

Aqua:

(Whispering to Darkness) "I don't know if this is a good idea. Cartman will probably lose. With his bare hands, anyone his age could kick his ass."

Ken:

(Drawing his sword and pointing it at Cartman) "Get ready, Cartman. I will show no mercy."

Cartman:

(Smiling confidently as he flips through his spell book) "Ken, do you remember how you ended up getting squashed by Ms. Crabtree?" Because I'm about to make that look like a picnic."

Ken:

(Screaming while charging) "For Aqua!"

Cartman raises his hand and touches Ken's hand. A purple energy bursts out of Cartman's hand, as Ken is immobilized.

Cartman:

(In a low, sinister voice) "I love this. Exhausting Touch."

Ken falls to his knees instantly, panting and weakened.

Ken:

(Puzzled) "What... what is this? I can't move!"

Cartman:

(Grinning) "Oh, you thought I was just useless? Surprise, idiot. Thanks to my private lessons with a Lich, I'm basically a mini-lich. And now... give me all your money or I'll take your sword too."

Aqua:

(From the cage, surprised) "Since when can you do that?"

Cartman:

(With a cocky grin) "Since I decided I didn't want to die in this world. Oh, and by the way! This duel ends here. I win!"

Ken faints, defeated, while Darkness claps enthusiastically.

Darkness:

(Fascinated) "How amazing! That spell was so dark... and so beautiful."

Aqua:

(Still in the cage) "This can't be happening. I'm trapped with a bunch of crazy people."

Cartman smiles as he begins searching Ken for money or candy.