Cartman in Konosuba 4

Cartman is sitting at a table laden with food: frog legs, pastries, and a small keg of beer. He chews loudly while Aqua, still somewhat traumatized by the experience at the lake, looks at him disdainfully.

Aqua:

"Is it really necessary to eat so much? You look like a devouring monster."

Cartman:

(With his mouth full) "Shut up, bitch! This is my reward for saving you. Besides, this isn't 'eating a lot,' it's 'eating like a champion.'"

The tavern door bursts open, and Ken enters dramatically, accompanied by a female warrior and a small, agile thief who seems impatient.

Ken:

(Pointing at Cartman and Aqua) "Aqua! I'm not going to give up that easily. I have a team now, and together we're going to save you from this fat, egotistical kid."

Cartman:

(Raising an eyebrow) "Save her? She doesn't even want to go with you, loser! What don't you understand?"

The conversation is interrupted by a loud blare of trumpets. Outside, the residents of Axel gather as a huge Dullahan, riding a black horse and emanating a dark aura, appears in the main square.

Axel's Loudspeaker:

"Attention, residents! The Demon King's general, Verdia the Dullahan, has arrived in town. All adventurers, assemble at the main gate."

The crowd murmurs nervously as Verdia dismounts and walks to the center of the square, holding her head under her arm.

Verdia:

(In a resonant voice) "People of Axel! I warned you months ago not to disturb me in my castle. You didn't even try to bandage your fallen Paladin; you have no honor."

The crowd falls silent, except for Darkness, who steps forward.

Darkness:

(With an awkward smile, "Hello, how are you?")

Verdia:

(Surprised, examining Darkness) "What? That's impossible! No one can survive my death curse."

Aqua:

How are you? The Dullahan was waiting for us this whole time, he didn't know I undid the curse as soon as he left, how funny, he's hilarious."

Verdia:

(Looking uncomfortably at Aqua) "I'd kill everyone in this town, don't make me mad."

Ken:

(Taking advantage of the distraction, draws his sword and runs towards Verdia) "For Aqua and for justice!"

Verdia:

(Turning quickly, drawing his own sword) "What kind of idiot attacks a Dullahan head-on?"

Their swords clash, but Verdia's skill quickly surpasses Ken's. With swift movements, she disarms Ken and knocks him to the ground with a swipe of her hand. hilt.

Verdia:

(Placing the tip of her sword on Ken's chest) "Pathetic. You're not even worth killing."

Ken:

(Panting, humiliated) "This... isn't over."

Berdia, the Dullahan, summons his undead army lined up behind him and orders an attack on the city, though they simply went after Aqua.

Cartman:

"What did you do this time?"

Aqua:

(Panic-striking) "Why me?"

Cartman thinks.

Cartman:

(Eating a chocolate bar as he watches) "Maybe because you're the only one who can purify them. Although now I wonder... are you really a goddess or just a fuss-making machine?"

Aqua:

(Running) "Do something, Cartman! You're a wizard, use your magic or something!"

Cartman:

(Sighing and pulling out his wand) "Okay, but this is going to cost you. I want ten thousand Eris and your food rations for a week."

Aqua:

"What?! No way!"

Cartman:

(Putting away his wand) "Then good luck with the zombies, goddess."

Darkness advances determinedly toward Verdia, who is standing in the center of the plaza, observing the chaos. The crowd gathers to watch the confrontation.

Darkness:

(Unsheathing his sword) "Verdia! Prepare to face justice! I, Darkness, the crusader of justice, will end you here and now!"

Verdia:

(In a solemn voice) "You again? I don't know how you survived my curse, but I won't make the same mistake twice."

Darkness:

(Blushing) "Oh, you're planning to 'correct' your mistake? End me with your sword? How intense... how humiliating... I'm ready to take it all!"

Verdia:

(Visibly uncomfortable) "What the hell are you saying?"

The fight begins. Darkness launches attacks with her sword, but misses every blow, only reaching midair or accidentally hitting a nearby post. Verdia, on the other hand, executes precise slashes that should be lethal, but only manage to tear Darkness's armor and clothing.

Darkness:

(Her clothes in tatters) "Oh no... my clothes are falling off one by one. Is this part of your plan, Verdia? To strip me of my dignity before finishing me off? What a cruel master you are!"

The crowd begins to murmur, looking at Verdia with suspicious eyes.

Villager 1:

"Why is he undressing her? What kind of villain is this?"

Villager 2:

"Wait, is this part of the Demon King's strategy? How weird."

Verdia:

(Agitated) "This has nothing to do with me! She's crazy!"

Cartman watches the chaos while flipping through his textbook. spells. Aqua, still hunted  By zombies, he runs past him.

Cartman:

(Whispering to himself) "If Darkness can distract him with her weirdness, maybe I can cast a spell that takes him down."

Aqua:

Okay, I'll pay. I said I'll pay, but please, help me, Cartman.

Cartman:

(Exasperated): "Yeah! Hey, bitch, you can beat all those zombies! You already did it in the graveyard when we got here! You even almost killed Wiz, and she's a damn lich! How could you forget something so useful?"

Aqua:

(Crosses her arms, indignant) "I have so many godly abilities, I can't remember them all!"

Cartman:

(Tapping the board with a stick) "Okay, bitch, you're the ridiculously high priestess who can purify zombies with an area-of-effect spell. Can you explain to me why you're running around like an idiot instead of using that ability?"

Aqua:

(Arms crossed, offended) "I told you I didn't remember!"

Cartman would see that Verdia managed to knock down Darkness despite not damaging her with her sword.

Cartman:

(Addressing the group) "Okay, you thieves, pay attention. Statistically, if all of you use 'Steal' at the same time on Verdia, someone's going to end up taking her sword. And without her sword, she's basically a headless mannequin with a major superiority complex. Understand?"

Verdia:

(Angrily) "I've had enough of you guys!" How many more of you do I have to kill before you understand that you're not a threat to me?"

Darkness:

(His armor ripped again) "Oh, please don't stop! Your slashes are so precise and dominant... This is everything I dreamed of and more..."

Verdia:

(Visibly uncomfortable) "Shut up, crazy woman! This isn't a show!"

The thieves take advantage of the distraction to use "Snatch" simultaneously. Verdia dodges most of the attempts, but one of them manages to snatch his cursed sword.

Cartman:

(From a corner, shouting) "They did it! Now all that's left is to continue my master plan!"

Cartman steps forward, holding his wand. Verdia looks at him with contempt.

Verdia:

"You, fat kid? You're the mastermind behind this?"

Cartman:

(Smiling wickedly) "That's right, floating head. And now, prepare to be defeated by Axel's best magician."

Verdia:

(Sarcastic) "Please don't make me laugh."

Cartman:

(Confident) "Oh, you think you're so smart? Well, get this: I once made a kid in Chile eat his own parents. You think I can't manipulate a bag of bones like you?"

Verdia:

(Confused and somewhat disturbed) "...What kind of monster are you?"

Cartman begins to cast magic, creating water that he tries to throw at Verdia. However, Verdia dodges each attack with ease.

Cartman:

(Annoyed) "Stop moving, coward!"

Verdia:

"Is that all you've got?"

Aqua, still hiding behind a building, watches the scene.

Cartman:

(Pointing at Aqua) "Hey, you useless bitch! Are you going to stand there, or are you going to do something useful for once? Throw your holy water and get it over with!"

Aqua:

(Coming forward, indignant) "You can't talk to me like that! I'm a goddess!"

Cartman:

(Shouting) "You useless bitch! Now, use your damn holy water!"

Aqua, visibly upset, begins to cast a spell. A massive wave of holy water floods the plaza, trapping Verdia in the center.

Verdia:

(Horrified) "No! This can't be happening! I'm a general of the Demon King!"

Verdia's body begins to slowly disintegrate under the power of the holy water.

Cartman:

(Crossing his arms, satisfied) "And this is how it's done. Who's the real hero here? This guy!"

The villagers celebrate as the adventurers clean up the remains of the battle. However, a group of officials appear with stern faces.

Official:

(To Aqua and Cartman) "Due to the flooding caused by the holy water spell, several businesses and homes have suffered severe damage. The reward for defeating Verdia will be confiscated to cover repair costs."

Aqua:

(Shocked) "What?! But I saved the town!"

Cartman:

(Sarcastic) "Great, Aqua. Thanks for ruining my moment of glory. Another completely wasted victory." 

Another day at the Guild, we see Darkness looking at Aqua with obvious curiosity as they both walk toward the guild.

Darkness:

(Confused) "I don't understand why that adventurer, Ken, called you a deity."

Aqua:

(Smiling) "It's because I am the goddess of water and celebrations. The cult figure of the Axis Order."

(Pointing dramatically to the sky.)

Darkness:

(Raised eyebrow) "Did you dream it or something?"

Aqua:

(Indignant) "It's the truth! Ask Cartman if you don't believe me."

Darkness:

(Defiantly) "Okay, I will."

Cartman sitting at a table in the guild, enjoying a large plate. Aqua and Darkness approach.

Darkness:

(Looking at Cartman) "Cartman, is it true that Aqua is a goddess?"

Cartman:

(With his mouth full, without looking up) "Yes, she is."

Darkness:

(Doubtful) "Really?"

Cartman:

(Swallowing and looking at Darkness wearily) "Look, Darkness, I know this is hard to believe, but yeah, it's like the universe decided that the most useless goddess in the world needed to be here to ruin my life. Happy?"

Darkness:

(Crossing her arms, clearly in disbelief) "Oh, I get it."

Aqua, annoyed, crosses her arms and begins puffing out her cheeks like an angry little girl.

Cartman continues eating when a visibly drunk adventurer, Dust, approaches him. Dust is carrying a mug of beer in one hand and a piece of bread in the other.

Dust:

(Mockingly) "Hey, you little pimp! What are you doing here all alone, huh? Did you leave your harem to rest?"

Cartman:

(Looking at him with disdain) "First of all, I don't know what a pimp is. Second, why do you smell like you've bathed in beer?"

Dust:

(Laughing) "Relax, kiddo! You're a boy and you already have a group of women following you!" You're my idol!"

(Gives him a friendly punch on the back, which almost makes Cartman choke.)

Cartman:

(Angrily) "Hey, watch it, drunk!"

Dust:

(Sitting down next to Cartman) "Come on, why don't you have a beer with me?"

Cartman:

(Going back to his food) "No, thanks. I'd rather eat something that doesn't make me smell like you."

Dust, laughing, pours himself another beer while continuing to talk to Cartman.

Dust:

(Suddenly serious) "You know, kid, I'm thinking about switching teams for a day. How about we swap groups? I'll join your team, you join mine. Just for today."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "Your team? What kind of losers do you have for a team that makes you want to switch for those two bitches?"

Dust:

(Pointing to a group in a corner of the guild) "No, man. Keith's an archer, Taylor's a competent paladin, and Rin is..."

Cartman:

(Thinking for a moment) "Okay, drunk. But if your team gives me any trouble, I'll make you pay, literally."

Cartman walks beside Dust's group, clearly less impressed than they are. Dust explains the day's dynamics to his group.

Keith:

(Excitedly) "We're going goblin hunting!" This will be easy."

Taylor:

(Confident) "Yeah, a simple mission for us."

Rin:

(Preparing a spell) "I could use this opportunity to practice my new technique."

Cartman:

(Whispering to himself) "This will be fun..."

The group climbs the mountain. Goblins appear, but instead of attacking, they quickly disperse, revealing a massive feline creature, the Rookie Hunter Tiger, who uses them as a distraction.

Cartman:

(Wide-eyed) "Oh, fuck! It's a fucking tiger! We're dead!"

Taylor:

(Drawing his sword) "Run, I'll stop him!"

Taylor charges at the tiger, but misses miserably and is thrown into a tree.

Keith:

(Firing arrows) "Quick, we need a strategy!"

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "A strategy? Of course, the strategy is that I run and you distract him."

Rin:

(Casting a fire spell) "Explosive fire!"

Rin's spell fails, burning a nearby bush. The tiger roars and chases them. Cartman, using his ingenuity, casts a small water spell on the ground and then freezes it, causing the tiger to slip momentarily. Cartman then generates rocks that hit the tiger on the head, giving it time to escape.

Cartman:

"Wild animals need to be taught who's boss."

The team returns to the guild, covered in dirt and leaves, visibly tired. Cartman sees Aqua and Darkness in a corner, surrounded by adventurers who look at them with disdain.

Cartman:

(Wiping his sweat) "What happened here?"

Aqua:

(Whimpering) "It was terrible! We tried to go on a mission with Dust, but Darkness almost got us all killed with her clumsiness!

Darkness:

(Dreamy) "Well... at least it was exciting. Those goblins were very intimidating... and when the tiger followed us."

Dust:

Well, pimp, as we agreed, I'll return you to your two f... companions.

Cartman:

"I don't know if I would have done worse with you guys."

Cartman sits at the bar, ordering food, while muttering something about moving to a less stupid city.

Fade out.

Cartman is sitting at a table with Aqua and Darkness, flipping through a book titled "Extreme Survival the Way of the Dead."  "Brad Pitt." He seems absorbed, marking pages and muttering to himself.

Cartman:

(Determined) "It's time we raided the dungeon of Kele, the ancient lich! This book says I can survive anything if I think like Brad Pitt, act like Brad Pitt... and, of course, dress like Brad Pitt."

Aqua:

(Frowning) "What does Brad Pitt have to do with raiding dungeons?"

Cartman:

(Sarcastic) "He's an actor! But he's also a survivor. Did you know he starred in World War Z and came out alive? Or Troy? Do you know what that means? That he's a freaking survival genius!"

Darkness:

(Admiringly) "I don't know what a movie is, but the way you're saying it makes it sound amazing."

Cartman:

(Grinning) "Exactly. So you know, it's time to change your look!"

The camera cuts to Cartman exiting a guild tent, dressed in stylish clothing that looks like it came straight off a red carpet. He's wearing sunglasses, a silk scarf, and has improvised a stylish-looking vest over his adventuring gear.

Cartman:

(Posing) "Look, commoners! He's the Brad Pitt of Axel!"

Aqua:

(Suppressing laughter) "You look like you're going to a medieval fashion festival."

Cartman:

(Arrogantly) "What you think doesn't matter. Now, on to the dungeon!"

The group arrives at the dark entrance to the dungeon. Cartman is carrying a flashlight from his survival kit and holding it like a trophy. Aqua stands behind him, wearing a jaded expression. Darkness, meanwhile, stands outside.

Darkness:

(Disappointed) "Why can't I come with you? I might be the best distraction from any monster!"

Cartman:

(Dry) "Because you can't see in the dark, Darkness. If you went in, you'd probably trip over a skeleton and start fantasizing about it."

Darkness:

"Hey, I wouldn't do that... with a skeleton."

Cartman:

(Rolling his eyes) "So just stay here and play with the rocks or something. Let's go, Aqua."

Aqua:

(Proudly) "Of course! My godlike eyes are perfect for places like this."

Cartman:

(Whispering) "And also because you're cheap..."

The dungeon is filled with animated skeletons, giant bats, and booby traps. Cartman and Aqua advance, using their best spells to defeat the enemies.

Cartman:

(Casting a water spell) "Take that, bags of bones! This is what happens when you challenge Axel's Brad Pitt."

Aqua:

(Bored, casting holy magic) "Do you really have to mention Brad Pitt every five minutes?"

Cartman:

(Smugly) "Sure you do! I'm channeling his energy. That's what the book says."

Suddenly, they arrive at the heart of the dungeon, where a lich dressed in worn robes sits on a makeshift throne made of books and candles. It's Kele, who doesn't seem especially threatening.

Kele:

(Tired) "What mortals dare break into my home?"

Cartman:

(Sarcastic) "Oh yeah, we've reached the final boss."

Aqua:

(On guard) "You're a lich! Prepare to be cleansed by my divinity!"

Kele:

(Whispering sadly) "Cleansed? Yeah... All I want is to rest."

Cartman:

(Frowning) "What? You're not going to yell something evil like 'I will destroy the world' or 'I will enslave humanity'?"

Kele:

(Sighing) "No, kid. I'm not evil. Centuries ago, I kidnapped a noblewoman because it was the only way someone like me could have companionship. We fell in love. We were together for many years, but she died of old age... and I'm still here, alone, tired of this world."

Aqua and Cartman look at each other, confused. The scene changes from tense to uncomfortably melancholic.

Kele:

"All I want is to be reunited with my beloved in the afterlife. If you can perform an exorcism and free my soul, I'll give you the gold I still have stashed away."

Aqua:

(Excited) "Money! I mean... sure, I'll do my job as a goddess."

Aqua prepares to perform the exorcism while Cartman opens the chest full of gold coins, making sure to count every piece.

Aqua:

(Concentrated) "I purify this tormented soul! When you reach the afterlife, tell Eris you came from me, so she'll accept you."

Kele:

(With a calm smile) "Thank you... I'll finally see my beloved again."

Light fills the room, and the lich disappears in a peaceful flash. Cartman closes the chest and lifts it with difficulty.

Cartman:

(Satisfied) "Well, Aqua, for once you didn't ruin everything. Now let's get out of here before this dungeon collapses!"

Cartman and Aqua triumphantly enter the guild with the gold. Darkness approaches excitedly, while the guild watches them attentively.

Darkness:

"Did you manage to loot the dungeon? Were there any terrifying monsters?"

Cartman:

(With a sly grin) "Oh, yeah. There were skeletons, traps, and one depressed lich who ended up being the easiest of them all."

Aqua:

(Smiling) "And it's all thanks to my divine power!"

Cartman:

(Resigned) "Yeah, yeah. All thanks to the goddess of water and parties."

Cartman looks at the bag of gold and smiles.  e, clearly thinking about how to spend it all.

The following week, Cartman and Aqua walk through the streets of town. Aqua looks bored while Cartman chews some food and talks excitedly.

Cartman:

(Proudly) "Today I'm taking you to the best shop in all of Axel! This is where I become more powerful, more awesome... where I get my magic lessons."

Aqua:

(Disinterested) "You take magic lessons? With which teacher? Oh no."

Cartman:

(Smirking) "Ah, Aqua, always so naive."

Aqua:

(Sarcastically) "It's basically a miracle anyone teaches you anything."

The two arrive at a magic shop. Cartman confidently opens the door.

Cartman:

(Pointing inside) "Welcome to magical paradise, Aqua. This is where legends are born."

When Aqua walks in, she sees Wiz organizing potions on a shelf. She instantly recognizes her as a lich, and her expression changes to a mixture of horror and fury.

Aqua:

(Pointing at Wiz) "What the hell is a lich doing having a shop in town?! This is an insult! I, the goddess of water, am sleeping in stables while an undead man runs a business!"

Cartman:

(Whispering in annoyance) "Oh, please don't start with your religious dramas..."

Aqua casts a holy spell at Wiz, but Cartman quickly steps in and pushes her aside.

Cartman:

(Angrily) "Aqua, stop it! Wiz is my magic teacher. She taught me things like 'Drizzling Touch'. Watch this."

Cartman touches Aqua's shoulder, and she immediately feels her energy being sucked away.

Aqua:

"What... what are you doing to me?!"

Cartman:

(Satisfied) "That's Exhausting Touch, baby. I can absorb your energy and give it to someone else. That's pretty cool, right?"

Aqua:

(Angrily) "That's evil magic! This proves Wiz is a threat!"

Wiz:

(Calmly) "Sorry to scare you, but I'm not evil. Yes, technically I'm a general of the Demon King, but... well, I'm not very good at it."

Aqua:

(Shocked) "A general of the Demon King?! That's enough! I'll exorcise you right now!"

Aqua jumps on Wiz like a wrestler, knocking her to the ground. Wiz, shocked, tries to break free as Aqua begins to channel holy magic.

Cartman:

(Frustrated) "Aqua, leave her alone! She hasn't taught me all her spells yet!"

Wiz:

(Pleading) "Please don't purify me! I'm not hurting anyone! I'm only here because the Demon King's castle barrier needs every general to maintain it. I have no bounty on my head, I'm not doing anything evil!"

Aqua:

(Threatening) "I don't care about that. I'll purify you in an instant."

Aqua remains on top of Wiz, holding her tightly. Wiz groans in pain as she feels the effects of the exorcism Aqua is trying to apply.

Wiz:

(Whimpering) "I'll disappear! It hurts! I'm scared! Please stop!"

Cartman:

(Grabbing Aqua by the neck) "Aqua, for the love of God, stop! Don't kill her yet! I need her to finish teaching me magic."

Wiz:

(Muttering to herself as Aqua finally lets go) "Cartman's a terrible student, but... I guess he'll be my lifeline against this crazy woman."

Wiz stands up, still trembling from the attempted exorcism. Aqua crosses her arms, looking at her with disdain.

Aqua:

(Haughtily) "I'm watching you, lich. If you try anything, you'll be cleansed immediately!"

Wiz:

(With a tight smile) "Sure, sure. I won't do anything... bad."

Cartman:

(Picking up a couple of potions from a shelf) "Okay, with that out of the way, let's get on with my magic lessons! Wiz, can you teach me that spell you told me about the other day?"

Wiz:

(Sighing) "Yeah... sure. Anything to survive this maniacal goddess."

Aqua snorts, and the camera shows the three of them from outside the store as the argument continues.

Fade out.

Cartman, Aqua, and Wiz are in the store. Wiz is tensely rearranging potions while Aqua struts around, showing off her "divine superiority." Cartman chews on something while observing the scene.

Aqua:

(Haughtily) "You should show some respect! It's not every day you have the honor of meeting Lady Aqua, Mistress of Water and Parties."

Wiz:

(Freezes, dropping a potion) "What...? Are you... Aqua? The deity worshipped by the Axis Cult?"

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "Yes, that's right. Our resident little goddess. Also known as the goddess of bad decisions and financial disasters."

Aqua:

(Angrily) "Shut up, Cartman!

Wiz:

(Fearfully) "Oh no... the Axis Cult is already a lunatic cult, but I don't want to imagine what their cult figure looks like in person!" This is worse than I thought..."

Before Aqua can respond, the shop door opens. A real estate salesman rushes in, wearing formal but somewhat dusty clothes. He's carrying a large briefcase.

Salesman:

(Enthusiastically) "Wiz! Just who I was looking for! I need your help urgently."

Wiz:

(Trying to smile, but visibly uncomfortable) "Help? With what, ex?"  "Actually?"

Salesman:

(Desperately) "It's about a mansion I have for sale. No matter how many times we exorcise it, the ghosts always come back. If you can deal with them, you can live there until I can sell it!"

Cartman, who was half asleep against a shelf, suddenly pays attention.

Cartman:

(Interrupting) "Live there? Like, in a real house? With beds and walls? And not a freaking stable?"

Salesman:

(Nodding) "Yeah, yeah, but we have to make sure the ghosts aren't a problem. The last few exorcisms haven't worked."

Cartman:

(Smirking) "Don't worry! My dog ​​and I will take care of it.

Wiz:

(Concerned) "...those ghosts."

Cartman:

(Ignoring Wiz) "Perfect! We're going to live in that mansion. I'm sick of the stables. Bitch, get moving and do your ghost magic or whatever!"

The mansion is large and run-down, with broken windows and an eerie feel. Cartman, Aqua, and Wiz stand in front of the door as a cold wind blows.

Aqua:

(Confidently) "This will be a piece of cake. Once I exorcise this mansion, it'll be ghost-free and our new house."

Cartman:

(Sarcastically) "This is one of those times I hope you're not useless at everything."

Inside, the mansion is filled with dusty furniture and cobwebs. A lamp flickers as a spirit walks through the wall, screaming eerily. Aqua prepares to act.

Aqua:

(Taking out her scepter) "Time to purify this house once and for all!"

Aqua begins casting holy magic, and the spirits begin to vanish with terrifying screams.

With the mansion seemingly free of ghosts, the group settles in. Aqua lies down on a rickety bed with a triumphant expression, while Cartman stands in the main room.

Cartman:

(Satisfied) "We did it. We have a house. A mansion, even. No more stables."

Aqua:

(From another room) "I'm a goddess, Cartman! Of course it's perfect, because I made it!"

Cartman grins wickedly.

The next day, at Wiz's shop. Cartman is sitting in an old chair, eating a porridge-like breakfast. Wiz is arranging some potions and jars on a makeshift shelf. Cartman, with a thoughtful expression, scratches his chin.

Cartman:

(To himself, but loud enough for Wiz to hear) "Why the hell didn't my brilliant pimping business work out? Those bitches Aqua, Darkness, aren't ugly. The blonde has a hot body!"

Wiz:

(Looking up, confused) "Pimp? What are you saying, Cartman?"

Cartman:

(Sighing) "It's obvious! I thought I could make some good money renting out the 'special services' of those two bitches. But I didn't get a single client. Is everyone neutered in this town?"

Wiz makes a horrified face as Cartman continues muttering, completely unconcerned with the ethical implications.

Wiz:

(Uncomfortably) "Maybe... I shouldn't ask you any more about that."

Cartman, ignoring him, abruptly stands up, leaving his breakfast half-eaten.

Cartman:

(Determined) "I'm going to find out what's going on in this place!"

Cartman walks through the town streets, watching the adventurers and residents. He stares at a group of drunken men staggering out of the guild. One of them is Dust, a well-known adventurer of questionable morals, along with his friend Keith.

Cartman:

(Grinning evilly) "They must know what's going on here."

Cartman follows Dust and Keith at a safe distance, hiding behind barrels and poles. The two men enter a seemingly ordinary diner. Cartman, intrigued, enters as well.

The place looks like an ordinary restaurant, with tables and food served. Dust and Keith sit in the back. Cartman watches them from a corner, but then notices something strange: there's a back door where a steady stream of men are coming in and out, all looking somewhat nervous and excited.

Cartman:

(Frowning) "That doesn't look like a kitchen. What the hell are you doing back there?"

Cartman gets up and walks to the back door. Upon opening it, he discovers a completely different area.

The place is lit with warm lights, and several succubi are standing around, serving the adventurers. But instead of dancing sensually or flirting, the succubi are handing and collecting forms, while the men attentively fill out the papers.

Cartman:

(Blinking) "What kind of strip bar is this? Why is everyone filling out paperwork?"

A succubus approaches Cartman with a professional smile and hands him a form.

Succubus:

"Welcome. Please fill out this form to personalize your experience... Aren't you a little young for this service?"

Cartman takes the paper and reads it carefully. His face quickly changes from confusion to malicious understanding.

Cartman:

(With a smile) "Oh, I see. This isn't a strip bar. It's a place where adventurers  They hire custom erotic dreams! This is brilliant!"

Succubus:

(Nodding) "That's right. If you need anything, I can call our manager."

Cartman:

(With Cartman's logic) "Yeah, call the boss! I want to speak to the man in charge of this place."

The office is simply decorated, with some papers scattered on a desk. Sitting behind the desk, dressed in a stylized version of manager clothes, is Butters. When he sees Cartman walk in, his face goes from relaxed to pure surprise.

Butters:

(Startled) "Eric Cartman! Is that you?"

Cartman:

(Equally surprised, but quickly returning to his sarcastic tone) "Butters? What the heck are you doing here? I thought you were in South Park being... well, you."

Butters:

(Excited) "Oh, gee! I died too and ended up reincarnated here. But, you know, this time I have a good job and everything. I'm the manager of this place!"

Cartman:

(With a raised eyebrow) "You, manager of a dream brothel? I didn't expect this from you."

Butters:

(Defensive) "It's not a brothel! It's a legitimate service that helps adventurers have the dreams they've always wanted."

Cartman:

(With a shark-like grin) "Oh, Butters... this is even better than I imagined. I have so many plans for us!"

Butters gulps, knowing that any "plan" Cartman has can only mean trouble.

Cartman:

(With a wicked grin) "So, what's become of you, Butters?" How did you go from being the most useless guy in South Park to... well, the most useless guy in a dream brothel?

Butters:

(With a mixture of pride and nervousness) "Oh, well, after... you know, you... died... I decided I had to do something different with my life. I moved to Japan to expand my kiss-rental business. But apparently someone didn't like it, and I ended up in prison."

Cartman:

(Laughing out loud) "Ha ha ha! Butters."

Butters:

(Sadly) "Well, yeah, but when I got out, I learned my lesson. I started a fake girlfriend-rental company for events. Until... well..."

Cartman:

(Impatiently) "Until what?"

Butters:

(With a nervous smile) "The police found out. I forgot I was on the top floor."

Cartman:

(Condescendingly) "Oh, Butters."

Butters:

(Enthusiastically) "But then I woke up in a weird place! There was a very kind angel, and he told me I could be reincarnated with a wish. So I said, 'I want to convince women to work with me.' I don't know why he looked at me weird, but the next thing I knew, I was here, and I opened this place!"

Cartman:

(Grinning like he'd just found a treasure) "Wow, Butters, your story is as pathetic as it is inspiring. Let me ask you something... how long have you been working nonstop?"

Butters:

(Confused) "Oh, well, I haven't taken a day off since I opened the business. Why?"

Cartman:

(Leaning on the desk, manipulative) "Butters, man, that's awful. Look, you need a vacation. A guy as talented as you can't burn out like that. Let me help you. I can run the place while you take a break."

Butters:

(Hesitating) "You... running my business?"

Cartman:

(With a fake smile) "Problems? Me? Of course not! Look, all I want is for you to be happy. Go on, take a week off, relax. Let Uncle Cartman take care of it."

Butters:

(Thoughtfully) "Well... I guess a little break wouldn't hurt..."

Cartman:

(Excitedly) "That's the way to talk, man! Now go ahead, and don't worry about a thing. I'll make this place run better than ever."

Cartman is sitting in the manager's chair, his feet up on the desk and a cigar in his mouth (even though there's no fire). The succubi are lined up in front of him, looking nervous.

Cartman:

(Banging a fist on the table) "Listen, ladies! From now on, this place has new rules. We're going to maximize profits. Any questions?"

A succubus timidly raises her hand.

Succubus:

(Concerned) "What does 'maximize profits' mean?"

Cartman:

(With a sly smile) "It means we're going to... 'expand the business.' It's not just dreams anymore. From now on, we're also offering 'premium experiences.' Something more personalized, something that will leave our customers begging for more... and paying double."

The succubi exchange glances, clearly worried.

Succubus 2:

"But... Mr. Cartman, we're succubi. We need energy to survive, not money."

Cartman:

(Disdainfully) "Ah, details, details! You guys keep up your energy-sucking thing, but you're also going to start earning a few coins for your efforts. This is capitalism! And guess who gets the biggest percentage..."

Succubus 3:

(Whispering) "What's capitalism?"

Cartman:

(Hearing her) "This is a business... with a little 'entrepreneurial' twist."

The scene shows a series of quick montages:

Cartman handing out forms to adventurers with inflated prices. Succubi  Clearly exhausted from serving long lines of customers, Cartman is counting coins and laughing maniacally.

The last shot is of a succubus slumping in a chair as she mutters:

Succubus:

"This is worse than hell..."

Cartman, eating a cake, replies:

Cartman:

(With a smile) "Welcome to the real world!"

Cartman is sitting in the manager's chair with his legs up on the desk, eating a cake. A succubus enters, looking exhausted.

Succubus:

(Whispering) "Mr. Manager, don't you think we should get some rest? We've been working all night... And we haven't used up enough energy."

Cartman:

(Disdainfully) "Rest! Do you think this is a union or something? Don't make me laugh. Go on, get out and keep serving."

The succubus sighs and leaves. Cartman leans back, satisfied, but his expression changes to thoughtful.

Cartman:

(To himself) "Hmm... you know what, Cartman? It's a good day. Butters is probably enjoying his vacation. Of course, he'd probably start freaking out if I didn't get here."

He is silent for a few seconds, chewing his cake.

Just as Cartman starts scratching his head, a loud alarm sounds throughout the city. A male voice comes through the megaphone.

Megaphone Voice:

"ATTENTION, ATTENTION! THE DESTROYER IS APPROACHING. I REPEAT, THE DESTROYER IS APPROACHING. PLEASE PREPARE TO EVACUATE OR FIND SHELTER."

Cartman jumps out of his chair, dropping the cake.

Cartman:

(Alarmed) "The Destroyer?" What the hell is that?"

TOWN STREETS

Cartman runs through the town streets, stopping adventurers and villagers as he shouts.

Cartman:

"Hey, you! What the hell is 'The Destroyer'? Is it a guy? A dragon? A bunch of flaming morons?"

The adventurers ignore him, clearly worried.