Okay, people. Okay, no one asked for it, no one wants it, but here we go. It was written by me, but I added some jokes that GTP Chat gave me.
It all starts one day in South Park.
Mr. Garrison's Office
(Mr. Garrison sits in his classroom teaching)
Mr. Garrison: (mumbling while touching his face) It's like my life was a mistake... You know, I confess I was sexually lost. Then I see this person on Oprah. She was a woman. But she had surgery and now she's a man. However, she's having a baby, which indicates she was always a woman. That means I'm still a man. I still feel like a man.
Butters. Is this going to be on the test?
Mr. Garrison: My sex change was a huge mistake. Yes, back then, that's what I thought I wanted.
Stan: Can you teach us now?
Mr. Garrison: And suddenly I visit the doctor and say, "Doctor, I want to become a man again," and he says, "That area has suffered so much damage, there's no going back. You'll have to find a functioning penis."
Mr. Garrison bursts into tears.
(Suddenly, the door opens and the principal enters with Mr. Mackey, their expressions serious.)
Principal: Mr. Garrison, we've discussed your situation and we cannot allow you to continue teaching. Your behavior is... (pause) inappropriate, and you are not qualified to teach.
Mr. Mackey: (adjusting his glasses) M-m-a lot of what's going on lately isn't appropriate, m-m-a lot of chaos, you know? It's safer if... well, if you take some time. We think it would be best if you didn't teach until you get your personal life in order. It's for your own good and the students', r-r-very good.
Mr. Garrison: (angrily) Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey! You still have your penis!
Principal: (in a determined tone) I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison, but there's no other option. You can't keep teaching!
Mr. Garrison gets up from his chair, furious, and leaves the office.
(The principal is standing in front of the class. The students are all staring, confused, when she speaks.)
Principal: (looking at the group of students) Well, it seems we're in a bit of a pickle. Mr. Garrison isn't fit to continue as their teacher. I need someone who can get the class to review for tomorrow's test... Any volunteers?
Cartman: Me, me, me! I'll volunteer! Here, here.
Principal: (surprised but with no other option) Anyone else?
Cartman: Principal, me, please.
Principal: Maybe we have another volunteer?
Cartman: Principal Victoria
Principal: Fine, all right, Eric will take over the class.
Cartman: (smiling maliciously) Yes.
Principal: You just have to review what Mr. Garinson was teaching you.
Kyle: You're not the teacher!
Cartman: (raises his hand triumphantly, looking at the class) That's it! Mr. Cartman, for you! (grabbing a ruler and pointing it threateningly at Kyle) And don't you dare talk in class, Kyle! Don't make me use this thing!
(The students are visibly uncomfortable, but fear Cartman. The ruler is still pointed angrily at Kyle.)
Cartman: (in an authoritarian voice) Now everyone will shut up, or I'll take care of you, understood?
(Outside the school – Mr. Garrison watches the news at home.)
(Mr. Garrison sits in front of the television, watching the news, with a somber face.)
Newscast: (on the television) Breaking news! A renowned millionaire doctor from Japan, along with his five daughters, has decided to move to the small town of South Park.
(Mr. Garrison remains silent as he listens, clearly disturbed.)
Mr. Garrison: (thinking aloud) What the hell?! Five daughters?
Outside the school, in front of the vehicle of the five daughters from Japan.
Mr. Nakano: (with a big smile, while looking out over the city) Finally! After years of struggling in Japan, I have a job in America. This is a new beginning for all of us!
Ichika: (with a somewhat tired look) Dad, how nice that You got the job, but... there's something I don't understand! Why didn't we enroll in a school in Japan? We had everything there!
Mr. Nakano: (with a slightly more serious expression) Ichika, daughter, we already talked about this. We couldn't stay in Japan. It's time to adapt to new opportunities, don't you think? This is an excellent opportunity for you.
Nino: (with a somewhat arrogant tone) Hey, Dad, don't forget that we missed weeks of school because we moved. I don't want to go to a school where I'm put at the back of the line because of your "new opportunity." That's not fair!
Mr. Nakano: (turning to Nino with a hint of annoyance) That's precisely what I want to avoid! I don't want you to be left behind, do you hear me? That's why I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure you don't lack anything! Yotsuba, stop distracting yourself and pay attention to me.
(Yotsuba, who is playing with a (ball, immediately stops playing upon hearing his name.)
Yotsuba: Oops! Sorry, Dad! I was thinking about how Meet new people and make friends! It'll be great to be in a new school!
Mr. Nakano: (Frowning) You won't gain anything if you continue with your irresponsible behavior! At your last school, you almost failed because you focused only on the sports club. What matters most to you isn't your studies! If you don't focus more, it could be too late for you!
(The five daughters fall silent as Mr. Nakano takes a deep breath to calm himself.)
Mr. Nakano: (Sighing deeply) I'm doing my best to prepare them for anything. As the best father I can be... (Thoughtfully) But this isn't enough. If my daughters are going to have a bright future in this country, I need the best for them. So... I'm going to hire the best teacher.
(With a determined look, Mr. Nakano explains that he's going to find the best tutor in town for his daughters.)
Ichika: (looking at her father across the table) So... you're hiring a private tutor? Someone very important?
Mr. Nakano: Exactly! If you guys have to adapt quickly to this system, then we're going to do it with the best education possible. And I don't care what it costs.
At South Park Elementary, Cartman in the principal's office
Cartman is in the principal's office, surrounded by the principal, Mr. Mackey, Dr. Nanako, and his driver, who are all looking at him expectantly.
Principal: (in a clear voice) Eric, we want to praise you for being a student teacher.
Cartman: Hey, don't praise me, it's those idiot students' fault.
Mr. Mackey: The praise is for doing a good job, Eric.
Principal: By reviewing the exam with the class, your students got better grades than ever. I don't know what you did, but it worked.
Cartman: OH, thank you very much. I think strict discipline and compassion for the students is the key.
Principal: (in a friendly, but firm tone) Exactly, Cartman. That's why Dr. Nakano, a Japanese millionaire, is looking for a tutor for his daughters. He's heard about your excellent work and is considering hiring you to give them private lessons.
Cartman: (with a surprised expression, but quickly recovering his composure) A Japanese millionaire, huh? (pause) That sounds... interesting! How much are they going to pay? Because if the offer is good enough, I can even tutor a group of dinosaurs if necessary.
Principal: (laughing lightly) Well, it seems there's a considerable budget for this job. Dr. Nakano wants his daughters to have the highest level of education and is willing to pay well for it. So, I think this is an excellent opportunity for you, Cartman.
(Cartman smiles with satisfaction as the principal walks away to continue her duties.)
Cartman: (thinking to himself) They're giving me the chance to impress Japanese girls! How much are they going to pay?
Getting off the South Park Elementary bus - Cartman bragging to his friends
Cartman: $300! Did you hear what I said? My genius teaching techniques will make me $300 richer.
Kyle: You're not a great teacher.
Cartman: The entire class got the best grade ever.
Kyle: (angry) We got that grade because we stole the answer keys.
Cartman: Yeah, but whose idea was it?
Kyle: Kenny's
Kenny: Yeah, it was my idea
Cartman: (with a sly grin) Yeah, but I'm still going to teach Japanese girls!
Kyle: (annoyed) Do you know what those Japanese girls are going to do to you, Cartman? A little kid like you, Japanese girls from the country where they build computers at school. They're going to
Cartman: (laughing arrogantly) ! I'm not afraid of girls. I'm going to be rich, and you guys are still going to be losers! Wait till you see me become the best teacher ever!
(Cartman stands still, as the other children walk away)
Cartman reflects that he would be humiliated by some Japanese girls if he presented himself as a normal boy: Kyle's right, I'll take care of my appearance.
(Cartman is in his room, in front of a mirror, as he takes a razor and begins to shave his head. His reflection shows a more serious and older Cartman.)
(He finishes shaving, puts on a black suit he finds in his closet, and straightens his tie. He looks at himself in the mirror, satisfied with the result.)
Cartman: (smiling maliciously) There he is! Professor Cartman is the greatest teacher of all. Everyone will adore me, and those Japanese girls won't know what hit them.
(Cartman walks down the street, swaggering, as he approaches the building where the Nakano family lives. On the sidewalk, the Nakano quintuplets are walking home, joking around. Nino calls Itsuki the "meat bun monster" while Miku watches, and Cartman approaches without the girls noticing at first.)
Nino: (joking) You're going to eat so many meat buns, Itsuki, you're going to be the Meat Bun Monster!
Itsuki: (annoyed) I'm not a monster! Ruo, Nino!
(Suddenly, Miku notices Cartman approaching and looks at him. The Nakanos walk home, Miku noticing that the guy was walking in the same direction as them. As Cartman continues walking, upon reaching the building where they live, Nino abruptly turns to look at Cartman)
Nino: (suddenly interrupting Miku) Hey, you... Are you a stalker? If you want something, you can tell me.
Cartman: (smiling arrogantly) They don't call me that! I'm Professor Cartman, who do you think you are?
Nino: (looking at Cartman suspiciously) Really? Are you a teacher?
Cartman: (defending himself) Yeah, right, I work here. It's my first day, and you better remember that!
(The girls look at him in confusion, while Cartman looks at the Nakano Building and is impressed by how luxurious it looks.)
Cartman: (thinking to himself) Wow, they're rich!
Nino: (in a defiant tone) Well, just because you're a "teacher" doesn't mean you have to hang around here, right?
Cartman: (in a calm, but arrogant tone) You'll see.
(Cartman notices that the building's doors open with a card, so he decides to wait for the girls to enter.)
Cartman: (thinking) Hmm... This building has a lot of money, huh? Well, I shouldn't be surprised if a lot of Japanese people live here. Those two Japanese women had the same face. I hope it doesn't happen to my students.
(The quintuplets arrive, Ichika and Yotsuba approach, and Cartman takes the opportunity to enter with them. He gets into the elevator with the girls, while they watch Cartman curiously.)
Cartman: (looking at the girls, trying to hide his confusion. Cartman was seeing five identical Japanese girls, barely distinguishable by their accessories) Excuse me, what floor are you going to?
Yotsuba: (smiling) We're going to the 30th. It's where we live.
Cartman: (surprised) Wow, that's funny! Well, I go to the 30th too.
Miku: (smiling, but somewhat intrigued) And what brings you here, Professor Cartman?
Cartman: (confidently) Well, I'm here to give private lessons to two Japanese girls.
Yotsuba: (laughing innocently) That's funny! We're waiting for our... prof... s... sr. (stutters a little)
(The quintuplets look at him, all with slightly confused expressions. Cartman, however, seems uncomfortable seeing the similar faces among them all.)
Cartman: (thinking to himself) What's the chance of other Japanese girls in Southpark? Damn! They're all the same. How am I supposed to tell them apart? It's like I have the same face, like they're... (pauses and, resignedly) Fine, I think I'm going to teach two of you.
Itsuki: (interrupting) We're quintuplets. It's normal that you can't tell us apart.
Cartman: (not wanting to back down) Oh, right, quintuplets, that... would explain everything.
Cartman: (relieved, thinks to himself) Ah, that's great. I thought I was the one being racist. Honestly, they're all the same!
(At that moment, the girls realize Cartman is the supposed "teacher" who was going to teach them. Nino recalls their previous encounter and feels a little awkward for having called him a stalker.)
Itsuki: (looking at the elevator in surprise) Wait, is this the teacher?
(At that moment, the elevator stops at number 30)
Ichika: (somewhat surprised) I can't believe it's like that...
(Cartman exits the elevator with a confident smile, as the quintuplets follow him to the door of their apartment.)
Cartman: (thinking aloud) Am I really these girls' teacher? I can't believe it... but I'm ready to be their best teacher!
In the Nakano Apartment Living Room
(Cartman looks around the room as the girls settle in. The atmosphere is a bit awkward at first. Cartman gestures for them to sit, but only Yotsuba, Miku, and Itsuki stay.)
(He feels a little relieved to know he's being honest with himself. However, his confusion remains.)
Cartman: (smiling) Okay, girls, let's get serious. I'm Eric Cartman, and I'm here to teach you everything you need to know to get through college. (puts on a professional tone, but maintains his arrogant attitude)
Itsuki: (hesitantly) Shouldn't we wait for the others?
Cartman: (shrugging) We should, but... (pauses) they don't seem to want to learn. And I was paid to tutor some Japanese girls. Japanese? Plural. So, two. And here I see... three. No problem, right?
(Cartman takes some papers out of his briefcase and distributes them among the girls.)
Cartman: (giving the papers) Take one of these papers and pass it to the partner behind you.
(Yotsuba passes the paper to Itsuki, who then passes it to Miku. As the girls pass the papers, Yotsuba begins to speak.)
Yotsuba: (smiling) Itsuki is very responsible, she always does everything right. And Miku, she's the smartest of all of us.
Cartman: (thinking) Hmm... intelligence... I like that.
Cartman: (continuing with his serious tone) Well, I'm here to make sure everyone goes to college.
Itsuki: (with a confused expression) College?
Yotsuba: (nodding) Yeah, Ichika wants to be an actress. Well, she's already working as an actress.
(Cartman is shocked for a moment, looking at the girls, but quickly recovers.)
Cartman: (speaking to his students) You guys think you won't go to college because you haven't been properly educated... you don't even know how to cheat. White people always come out on top! Because we always... I mean, we always cheat.
Cartman: Bill Heliying won three championships. He cheated. He got caught cheating, and nobody cared. And guess what? He got applauded! That's what happens when you know how to do things right.
Yotsuba: (confused) Cheat?
Itsuki: (seriously) Cheating is bad, right?
Miku: (looking at Cartman) I don't want to be a cheater.
Cartman: (smiling) If you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. If you succeed, you're agile. See how this works?
Yotsuba: (firmly) No, I refuse to let a teacher teach me how to be academically dishonest.
Cartman: (surprised by Yotsuba's attitude) Well, what about the others? What if the other girls are smarter than you?
Well, there's the door. Bye. We're going to miss you a lot.
(Yotsuba leaves the apartment, while Itsuki and Miku stare at Cartman, somewhat surprised.)
Cartman: (thinking quietly) How do I reach these girls?
On the building's basketball court]
(Cartman goes outside and notices Yotsuba playing basketball alone on the building's court. She enthusiastically dribbles the ball as Cartman approaches.)
Cartman: Good technique, Yotsuba, how about a little game? Just you and me.
(Yotsuba, seeing Cartman approaching, watches him for a moment)
Yotsuba: It was me who left your tutoring, sensei. I'm not going to cheat.
Cartman: Who wants to argue on such a nice day? Hey, janitor. Can you score the points?
Janitor: Of course.
Cartman: You start on defense.
(They start the game. Cartman, with a barbell in hand, without warning, hits Yotsuba in the leg with the barbell. She takes the ball and scores.)
Cartman: It's one to zero!
Yotsuba: (screaming in pain) Ouch! That hurts, and it's cheating!
(Cartman, without missing a beat, shoots a hoop with the ball while Yotsuba grabs her leg.)
Cartman: And a point for me! Your turn.
(Cartman hits Yotsuba in the leg with the barbell again.)
Cartman: I scored again!
Yotsuba: (annoyed) That's cheating, Sensei!
Cartman: (smirks) Look at the scoreboard, Yotsuba. It doesn't matter how many times I cheat. The scoreboard says 3-0.
Yotsuba: (looking at the scoreboard, doubtful) Yeah, but...
Cartman: 3-0, Yotsuba! No matter how many times I cheated, the scoreboard says 3-0!
Yotsuba: (annoyed) That's not fair! I'm leaving!
(Yotsuba walks off the court, limping.)
Cartman: Three to zero, Yotsuba! Three to zero, Yotsuba!
(Cartman watches Yotsuba walk away, and when he sees her walk away, he lets out a sigh.)
Cartman: (thinking to himself) Ash... how did I get to these girls?
At the Nakano Apartment
(Cartman enters the building and runs into Nino, who has come out of her room.)
Nino: (smiling) Hey, sensei, you're here. Wouldn't you like to stay for a snack?
Cartman: (with a greedy face) Sure, cookies. (He makes himself comfortable and sits at the table, preparing to eat everything there is.)
(While Cartman eats, Nino watches, somewhat thoughtfully.)
Nino: (looking at Cartman with a serious expression) We don't really need a private tutor.
Cartman: (chewing with his mouth full) I know, girls. But you need to go through this. I'm not going to teach you like others... I'm going to tell you how to pass the test without studying.
(Nino is silent for a moment, surprised by Cartman's audacity. Suddenly, a look of bewilderment crosses her face as she sees Cartman about to drink a glass of water he had left on the table.)
Nino: (quickly standing up) No! Instead, have some orange juice.
Cartman: (looking at the glass of water, confused) Orange juice? Why?
Nino: (seriously) Because... it's not a good time for water. It would be bad for you.
(Cartman looks at the orange juice suspiciously, but decides to ignore the warning and takes the glass of juice instead.)
Cartman: (thinking while drinking the juice) These girls... they're definitely playing me. But it doesn't matter, I'm going to beat them anyway.
(Cartman leans back in his chair, enjoying his "snack" and maintaining a confident expression as Nino watches with interest.)
During the First Weeks of School
(The first few weeks of school with Cartman as his tutor are marked by constant culture clashes between him and the Nakano Quintuplets. Cartman, in his quirky style, appears completely indifferent to the differences. (cultural and social, while the girls, although somewhat confused, try to adapt.)
Cartman: (in a superior tone) Today we're going to talk about a fundamental way to cheat. This will help you a lot on the test. The trick is to have relevant material before the test. It's like when a coach wants to win a game; he records videos of the opposing team's defense. See?
(The girls look at him, confused, but Cartman continues as if nothing happened.)
Cartman: (pointing at the board) Let's pretend the opposing team's defense is the test. When you have the test, you have to take video of the defense. Imagine what the test is before you take it, and that way you can beat the system!
(The Quintuplets, surprised and somewhat perplexed by what they're hearing, aren't entirely sure whether Cartman is serious or not. At that moment, they hear the door open. Yotsuba appears in the doorway.)
Yotsuba: (with a radiant smile) Hello! May I join you in the class?
Cartman: (with a sarcastic tone) Sit down, Yotsuba! It's good to have you back.
(Yotsuba smiles innocently as she sits down.)
Cartman: (regaining his composure) Okay, let's get back to class! Like I was saying, when you get caught cheating, you always have to say the same thing: "I misinterpreted the rules." That's what you have to repeat, and no one can touch you!
(The girls, somewhat stunned, nod, though they're clearly unsure if this is all a joke.)
Cartman: (raising his voice) Repeat after me! I MISUNDERSTOOD THE RULES!
(The Quintuplets, although uncertain, follow him.)
All: (in unison) I MISUNDERSTOOD THE RULES!
Cartman: (in a louder tone) I MISUNDERSTOOD THE RULES!
All: (in a nervous tone) I MISUNDERSTOOD THE RULES!
(Cartman smirks, not noticing the girls' discomfort.)
Cartman: (energetically) That's it, girls! Repeat it like a mantra. I MISUNDERSTOOD THE RULES! I MISUNDERSTOOD THE RULES!
(As Cartman repeats the phrase, the Quintuplets, a little lost, continue repeating the phrase, feeling uncomfortable with Cartman's dismissive attitude.)
Cartman: (now in a "coach" tone) And now, as white people, you must repeat it too. Don't be shy, say it together!
All: (in a slightly more forced tone) I MISINTERPRETED THE RULES!
Cartman: (smiling with self-satisfaction) There it is! That's what will make you succeed. Always remember, the key is to misinterpret the rules!
(Cartman, as if everything is under control, settles back in his chair and takes a sip of water,)
Cartman: (thinking to himself as he looks at the girls' confused faces) Ash... how did I get these girls?
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