Randy is sitting on the couch, holding a beer, watching a football game on TV. He's completely relaxed. Sharon comes in from the kitchen, looking concerned.
Sharon:
Randy, have you seen Stan?
Randy: (without taking his eyes off the TV)
Stan? I think he's... out there, right? Hey, check this out, Sharon, that's a perfect pass!
Sharon: (puts her hands on her hips)
Randy, he's been out all day. He's not in his room, or on his console.
Randy: (turns to her with a satisfied smirk)
And isn't it great? He's finally socializing. Maybe he's in the park, getting some fresh air, making friends. He's not a zombie playing the damn Yggdrasil or whatever that game is called anymore!
Sharon:
Do you really think Stan is "socializing"? Stan Marsh, after two of his friends died in that terrible accident?
Randy: (shrugs)
Well, maybe he's changed. Maybe he realized there's more to life than being glued to a screen.
Sharon: (glaring at him)
Randy...
Randy: (takes a sip of his beer, casually)
Sharon, you're overreacting. I'm sure Stan's doing fine. Maybe he's learning how to fish, or joined a chess club, or something.
Sharon:
Randy, do you really think Stan would join a chess club?
Randy: (thinking)
Well, no. But... what if he joined a teen beer club?
Sharon: (shouting)
Randy!
(Randy reluctantly puts on his jacket and grabs his car keys. Sharon follows, arms crossed.)
Randy: (huffing)
Okay, Sharon, I'll go get him. But I'm telling you now: if he's at the park with other kids, laughing and having fun, you owe me an apology.
Sharon:
What if he's not there?
Randy:
So... I don't know, do we just go home and let nature take its course?
Sharon: (pointing at him)
Find our son, Randy.
(Randy parks his car in front of the local park. He gets out, looking around with a mixture of laziness and curiosity. He spots a group of kids playing Frisbee and smirks.)
Randy: (yelling at the kids)
Hey! Has anyone seen Stan Marsh?
(The kids look at him briefly, then go back to playing. One of them mutters, "Who's that weird old man?")
Randy: (to himself)
Well, if he's with these kids, he's probably okay.
(He takes out his cell phone to take a picture as "proof" for Sharon, but upon closer inspection, he realizes Stan isn't there.)
Randy:
Oh, come on. Where the hell are you, Stan?
(Randy arrives at school, walking through the empty hallways while looking for clues. He runs into the custodian, who is cleaning up some graffiti on a wall.)
Randy:
Hey, have you seen my son, Stan Marsh?
Custodian: (still cleaning)
Stan Marsh? No, I haven't. But... I heard Eric Cartman died yesterday.
Randy: (in shock)
Cartman died?
Custodian: (nodding)
Yeah, cardiac arrest. He got frustrated because they switched from Burger Day to Fish Day.
Randy:
Oh, my God. That's... that's terrible.
Janitor:
Yeah, and then the ambulance hit Kenny.
Randy:
Really?
Janitor: (sighs)
Yeah, and it looks like Kyle was in an accident with a... well, I don't even understand it, but he died too.
Randy: (perplexed)
And Stan?
Janitor:
I have no idea.
(Randy enters the library, searching desperately. He can't find Stan, but sees a book on a nearby shelf titled "The Four Legendary Heroes." Frustrated at not finding Stan, he picks it up and begins flipping through it.)
Randy: (reading aloud)
"The Four Legendary Heroes: Chosen from other worlds to wield the Shield, the Sword, the Bow, and the Spear, and save the kingdom of Melromarc..."
(He pauses and frowns.)
Randy:
The shield? Who the hell wants a shield?
(As he continues reading, a bright light envelops him. Randy looks around, confused, as the library fades away and he is transported to the fantasy world.)
to the throne room in the kingdom of Melromarc, where Randy appears before the King and his court.)
Randy tries to understand what's going on.)
A majestic throne room is shown filled with nobles, knights, and the King sitting on an exaggeratedly tall throne. A bright light illuminates the center of the room, and suddenly, Randy appears, disoriented and holding a shining shield on his left arm.)
Randy: (looking around)
Where the hell am I? And what is this? (looks at the shield in disgust) A shield?
King: (standing up with a solemn smile)
Welcome, Shield Hero!
Randy: (frowning)
Shield Hero? What are you talking about? Hey, look, I don't know what you're smoking here, but I have to find my son. Has anyone seen Stan Marsh? He's a little boy in a blue hat.
(The court murmurs, clearly uncomfortable with Randy's attitude.)
King: (with an imposing voice, trying to ignore the comment)
Shield Hero, you have been summoned here to save our world from the Four Calamities, along with the other legendary heroes.
darios.
(The King points to the side, where the other three heroes are: Motoyasu (Spear), Ren (Sword), and Itsuki (Bow), all looking elegant and heroic with their shining weapons.)
Randy: (pointing at them in disbelief)
And why do they have cool things like a spear, a sword, and a bow? What do I have, a piece of metal to hide behind?
Motoyasu (Spear Hero): (smiling arrogantly)
Well, someone has to protect us, right?
Ren (Sword Hero):
The shield is an important tool for defense, although... yeah, it seems kind of boring.
Itsuki (Bow Hero):
I think the shield is... um... functional.
Randy: (annoyed)
I don't need any sugarcoating! This sucks! Why didn't they give me the sword? Or at least a bow, to look useful.
King: (sighing, losing patience)
The weapon you are given is not of our choosing. It is fate that decides which hero will wield each weapon.
Randy:
Well, fate can go to hell!
(The King frowns as the court murmurs in shock.)
King:
Shield Hero, our world is in danger. We have no time for your complaints. The Four Calamities are catastrophic events that will destroy our kingdom if not stopped. The legendary heroes are our only hope.
Randy: (crossing his arms)
And what does this have to do with me? I was just in the library looking for my son. My wife will kill me if I don't find him.
King: (visibly frustrated)
You cannot return to your world until the Four Calamities have been defeated.
Randy: (panting dramatically)
What?! Are you saying I'm trapped here?
King: (seriously)
That's right.
Randy: (pointing at the other heroes)
And they can't return either?
Motoyasu:
Not until we fulfill our mission.
Ren: (shrugging)
That's how it works.
Itsuki:
It's an honor to serve the kingdom, even if it means sacrificing a bit of our freedom.
Randy: (laughing sarcastically)
Oh, right, sacrifice and honor! You guys believe this? I'm not part of your little weirdo club.
King:
You, brave warrior, have been summoned from your world to wield the Legendary Shield and save our kingdom from the Four Calamities!
Randy: (looking at his arm and raising the shield)
This? This is what they give me? A shield? It doesn't even have spikes or anything.
King: (ignoring him, while the nobles murmur among themselves in disdain)
The Four Calamities are disasters that periodically strike our kingdom. Only the Four Legendary Heroes can confront them and restore balance.
Randy: (looking around in disbelief)
Uh-huh. And what does this have to do with me?
King: (with a theatrical gesture)
It's your destiny, Shield Hero.
Randy: (pointing to himself)
No, no, no. My destiny was to sit on my couch, drink beer, and watch TV, not... this.
(The King ignores him and continues talking. Meanwhile, Randy begins to look at his shield more closely, tapping it.)
Randy: (whispering to himself)
Is this plastic?
King: (excitedly)
Hero of the Spear, Motoyasu Kitamura! Hero of the Sword, Ren Amaki! Bow Hero, Itsuki Kawasumi!
Motoyasu: (with a condescending smile)
The Shield is a defensive tool, isn't that great? You can protect everyone.
Randy:
Oh, yeah, great. Protect everyone while the three of you have real weapons and can, I don't know, attack.
Ren: (serious and cold)
The Legendary Shield has its purpose.
Randy:
Oh, yeah? Is it to stop arrows? Because that seems like the only thing it could do.
(As the King explains the Four Calamities, the nobles murmur among themselves. The words "shield" and "pro-demi-humans" are clearly audible. Randy frowns as he half-listens.)
Randy: (interrupting)
Wait, what's this "demi-humans" business?
Random Noble: (with disgust)
Demi-humans are a plague. Half-beast, half-human creatures who have no place in our society.
Randy: (looking at the noble with a raised eyebrow)
So they're basically like furries?
Noble:
What?
Randy:
Forget it. And what does the shield have to do with it?
King: (uncomfortably, but trying to maintain his composure)
You see, Shield Hero, historically, all Shield Heroes have been... uh... demi-human sympathizers.
Randy: (crossing his arms)
And that's bad because...?
King: (quickly)
Never mind! The important thing is that you must face the Four Calamities and protect our kingdom!
Randy:
Protect a kingdom full of idiots who hate demi-humans?
(The King signals that the heroes form teams with the adventurers present in the hall. A crowd of brave and excited young people runs toward the other three heroes, leaving Randy completely alone.)
Randy: (looking around, raising his hands)
Really? No one wants the Shield Hero? Not one?
(The adventurers avoid his gaze. One of them mutters, "I don't want to be associated with a pro-demi-human." Randy hears this and glares at him.)
Randy: (shouting)
I don't even know what "pro-demi-human" means!
(A young redheaded woman, Malty S Melromarc, steps forward with a bright smile. The murmuring stops as she approaches Randy.)
Malty: (in a sweet voice)
Shield Hero, it would be an honor to join your team.
Randy: (eyeing her suspiciously)
Really? Because I have a feeling this is a trap.
Malty: (laughing softly)
A trap? No, my lord. I just want to help you prove your worth.
Randy: (shrugging)
Well, I guess it's better than being all alone.
Malty casts a malicious look at the nobles, who nod silently. Randy, completely oblivious, tries to adjust his shield, which falls to the floor with a metallic clang.
Randy: (bending down to pick it up)
This is bullshit.
Randy and Malty leave the throne room, leaving the other heroes exchanging glances and shrugging their shoulders.
(Randy and Malty are sitting in a lively tavern. Randy is drinking a huge tankard of ale while Malty, with her sweet but manipulative demeanor, watches him with a smile.)
Malty: (looking around, feigning concern)
Shield Hero, I know you're still adjusting, but remember, your duty is to protect the kingdom.
Randy: (raising the tankard, clearly uninterested)
Yeah, sure, protect the kingdom. But first, let me enjoy this beer. It's the only good thing in this ridiculous world.
Malty: (in a sweet but fake tone)
Of course, my lord. Although... don't you think we should pay up now?
Randy: (looking at his empty mug)
Pay? I thought heroes drank for free.
Well, gentlemen, this is where the redhead betrays Randy and his reputation goes to waste, but since I'm too lazy for that scene, and apparently ChatGPT is too, we'll skip straight to when he recovers.
Randy:
Well, it seems this whole robbery thing isn't my problem.
Later, Randy is camping in the forest. Randy is sitting by the fire, staring at his shield while drinking another beer.
Randy: (whispering to himself)
Maybe Stan is somewhere in this crazy world, fighting dragons or something.
In another world. The Demon King Momonga sneezes, interrupting Albedo, who looks at him worriedly.
Albedo:
My lord, are you okay?
Momonga: (touching his skeletal face)
I'm... confused. How can an undead catch a cold?
(In Momonga's mind, Stan is screaming in despair as he thinks about how to get out of there.)
Stan (inner thoughts):
Someone get me out of this stupid world!
(Cut back to Randy, who sighs and takes another sip of beer, looking at the stars.)
Randy:
Uh, as if that were possible.
(Randy walks through a crowded market. He's clearly disoriented and annoyed, his shield glowing faintly on his arm. Merchants shout out offers of weapons, armor, and exotic goods as people pass by. Randy, hands in his pockets and his nonchalant attitude, stops in front of a stall full of weapons.)
Randy: (pointing to a longsword)
I want that one.
Merchant: (looking at him in disbelief)
Uh... sir, are you the Shield Hero?
Randy:
Yeah, sure, I am. What, Are you going to give a discount for that or what?
Merchant: (nervous)
Well... his shield won't allow him to use weapons.
Randy: (raising an eyebrow)
Pardon?
Merchant:
The legendary shield is enchanted. He can't use other weapons. He can only charge his shield and enhance his abilities with it.
Randy: (trying to pick up the sword, which literally slides out of his reach as if it had a life of its own)
What kind of stupidity is this?! I can't even use a sword?
Merchant: (shrugging)
It's the Shield Hero's curse, sir.
Randy: (throwing the sword back onto the counter)
Great. I'm now a forced pacifist.
(Randy turns around, frustrated, and stumbles upon a hooded man holding a cage. Inside the cage is a semi-human creature, a fox-eared boy, staring at him. (with sad eyes.)
Undercover Man:
Shield Hero, I see you're having trouble. Perhaps you need a partner to fight for you.
Randy: (looking at the man and then at the cage)
Is this what it looks like?
Undercover Man:
A demi-human slave. Faithful, strong, and obedient. Perfect for someone with his... limitations.
Randy: (looking at the boy and then at the man with a grimace of disgust)
You want me to enslave a child?
Undercover Man:
My lord, demi-humans are made to serve. It's their destiny.
Randy: (staring at him)
Yes, and supporting this stupidity will only lead to more slaves.
(The undercover man looks at him in confusion, but Randy continues on, ignoring him.)
Randy: (muttering to himself)
Damn medieval world. I can't even get drunk in peace without being offered shady deals.
(Randy stops at another stall where an old merchant displays brightly colored eggs) (Each egg is encased in a soft cushion, glowing faintly with magical light.)
Old Trader: (with a friendly smile)
Shield Hero! Are you looking for a trustworthy companion?
Randy:
Is this another attempt to sell me something illegal or rare?
Old Trader:
No, no, no. These are Filolial eggs. Noble creatures, useful for travel or battle.
Randy: (looking at a glowing blue egg with curiosity)
Filolial? What is that? A giant chicken?
Old Trader: (laughing)
Sort of, my lord. They're excellent for moving caravans, and if trained well, they can be formidable in combat.
Randy: (thinking aloud)
Hmm... I can't use weapons, I don't want slaves, and the only one who doesn't seem to betray me in this world is myself.
(Randy takes his last gold coin and places it on the counter.)
Randy:
Give me the cheapest egg you have.
Old Merchant: (surprised but pleased)
A wise choice, Shield Hero!
(The old man hands him a small, blue-green egg wrapped in a cloth.)
Randy: (looking at him disdainfully)
You'd better make some good out of here, or I'll make a giant omelet out of you.
(Randy is sitting by a makeshift campfire in the woods, the egg carefully placed on a pile of straw next to the fire. He's drinking from a mug of beer he miraculously managed to procure.)
Randy: (speaking to the egg)
Look, I don't know if you can hear me in there, but you'll be my ticket out of this madness. So, hurry up and hatch now, will you?
(The egg begins to glow brightly, and small cracks appear in the shell. Randy sits closer, surprised.)
Randy:
Oh, great. That was fast.
(The egg suddenly cracks, and a small, chick-like creature emerges, with fluffy white feathers and large, bright eyes. The creature looks up at Randy and emits a high-pitched, adorable "chirp."
Randy: (staring at him)
It really is a giant chicken.
(The Filolial waddles up to Randy, rubbing against his leg and looking up at him adoringly.)
Randy:
Are you following me yet? Don't you even know if I own you?
(The Filolial jumps excitedly and emits a louder chirp. Randy looks at it and sighs, resigned.)
Randy:
Okay, I'll call you... Beery. Because you're the only thing resembling anything good in this place.
(Beery hops happily and starts running in circles around the camp. Randy watches, taking another sip of beer with a wry smile.)
Randy:
Well, at least you can't betray me. Yet.
(The scene fades to Randy and Beer Girl in the campfire light, while the chick continues to scamper happily.)
(Randy is fast asleep by the campfire, snoring with his mouth open. His shield still glows dimly on his arm while his makeshift "RV"—basically a rickety wagon—is strapped to Beer Girl, who is sleeping in her giant chicken form near the fire.)
Randy: (mumbling in his sleep)
Stan... clean up your room... I don't care if you're in another damn world...
Beer Girl lets out a light snort in her sleep. As the sun begins to rise, a magical glow envelops the Filolial. There's a strange "pop" sound, and the creature changes shape.)
(Randy wakes up to the sound of birds and stretches, clearly annoyed by the day ahead. He rubs his eyes and looks over to where Beer Girl was, only to find a small, naked girl sitting in his spot, staring at him with (a wide, happy smile.)
Randy: (blinking several times)
What the...?
Little Girl: (in a high-pitched, adorable voice)
Good morning, Master!
Randy: (confused and still half asleep)
Who the hell are you?
Little Girl:
It's me, Beer Girl!
(Randy looks around, desperately searching for his giant Filolial, as the little girl jumps with excitement. Randy bolts upright, his shield glowing dimly.)
Randy:
Wait, wait. Where's my giant chicken?
Little Girl: (pointing at herself proudly)
It's me, Master! Beer Girl! I've grown so much!
Randy: (with a mixture of horror and confusion)
WHAT?
(Randy walks hurriedly toward a nearby town, with the little girl he insists is Beer Girl happily following him. The townspeople stare at them strangely as Randy tries to cover her with a cloak that's too big for her.)
Randy: (muttering as he walks)
One day you have a giant chicken, and the next you have a naked little girl claiming to be your chicken. This makes sense. This world is perfectly balanced.
Beer Girl: (hopping after him)
Master! Are we going on a quest?
Randy:
No, let's find out what the hell happened to you before someone thinks I'm a lunatic or worse!
(A local merchant, an older woman, sees Randy and the little girl and approaches curiously.)
Merchant:
Oh, Shield Hero, I see you have a Queen Filolial.
Randy: (stopping in his tracks)
A what?
Merchant: (looking at Beer with admiration)
A Filolial Queen. They are extremely rare. ras. You're lucky to have one!
Randy: (looking at Beery and then at the merchant)
No, no, no. What will my Filolial be like? It was a giant chicken yesterday.
Merchant:
Exactly. Queen Filolials have the ability to shapeshift and assume a human appearance, especially when near their owners.
Randy: (looking incredulous)
So you're telling me my giant chicken is now... a naked magical girl?
Merchant: (smiling serenely)
The other way around. That child is an illusion of the Filolial. It's a great honor, Shield Hero. Queen Filolials are natural leaders among their kind. They can command other Filolials, and they're incredibly powerful.
Randy: (massaging his temples)
Perfect. This can't get any weirder.
(Beer tugs at her cape excitedly.)
Beer:
Master! Can we go play with the other Filolials now?
Randy: (sighing)
No. First, let's get you some clothes.
(Randy walks into a clothing store with Beer. The clerk looks at them in confusion, seeing Randy holding the cape covering the girl.)
Saleswoman:
How can I help you?
Randy:
I need clothes for my... giant chicken.
Saleswoman: (confused)
Excuse me?
Randy: (sarcastic)
Oh, sure, this sounds weird now. But wait until I explain everything. My giant chicken is now a magical girl, and I need clothes that can change between her human form and her chicken form.
Saleswoman: (blinking slowly)
You want me to make clothes for a girl who transforms into... a giant chicken?
Randy:
Exactly.
(The shop assistant sighs and begins taking Beer Girl's measurements, who fidgets excitedly.)
Shop Assistant:
This is going to cost you extra, Shield Hero.
Randy: (resigned)
Of course it is.
(Randy and Beer Girl leave the store, with the girl now dressed in a light dress that seems to magically shrink and stretch. Randy wears a tired expression as Beer Girl runs happily around him.)
Beer Girl:
Thank you, Master! Now I can be myself all the time!
Randy: (sarcastic)
Yes, because this is what I dreamed of when I came into this world. Taking care of a magical girl who's also a giant chicken.
Beer Girl continues jumping excitedly, and Randy walks off toward the forest, muttering about the absurdity of it all. The scene fades out as a group of villagers watch them with bewildered expressions.)
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