Hereby, I, Jaime Isayama, authorize Excel Saga to become a Sentouin Hakenshimasu fanfic.
We are at the Southern Headquarters of the Kisaragi organization:
Hail Lord Il Palazzo,
[Scene: Kisaragi-Across Branch, a gloomy building with “World Conquest Completed!” signs hanging askew. Inside, Lord Il Palazzo sits on his steel throne, serious and imposing. Excel and Hyatt extend their Roman salute in front of him.]
Il Palazzo: (in a deep, cold voice) Thank you for coming, combat agents.
Excel: (jumping as if on a variety show) Excel is ready to serve His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo! Excel will give her life for his glorious cause, Excel dances, Excel sings, Excel...!
[Excel grabs Hyatt's hand and spins her around like an impromptu ballet dancer.]
Hyatt: (falling to the ground) Ugh... Officer Excel
I... cough cough... I think I'm... dying again...
Il Palazzo: (pinching the bridge of his nose) Excel... I asked for silence, not a circus show.
Excel: But Excel is only trying to enhance the atmosphere of this glorious gathering! Excel knows that Excel's duty is to liven up the dark life of Lord Il Palazzo, even if Excel dies in the attempt!
[Il Palazzo presses a button on his throne and the ground beneath Excel is slightly electrified. Excel screams like a cartoon, smoking, but immediately gets back up with the same maniacal grin.]
Il Palazzo: Listen. Kisaragi has completely conquered this world. Humanity is under our absolute control. Our secret organization for spreading the path to perfect ideals. However, Kisaragi-Across, our branch, is about to disappear because it's the branch with the fewest victories. I imagine you can understand the reason for my sadness. All because of your incompetence in the missions assigned to you for world conquest.
Hyatt: (fainting softly) ...I'm sorry...
Excel: No! Excel will not allow the Across branch to disappear! Excel has fought, run, bled! Excel begs His Lordship Il Palazzo to have mercy on Excel, because Excel loves him with all his being and—!
Il Palazzo: (in a threatening tone) One more word and I will make your elimination official.
Excel: (covering his mouth, eyes flashing) Excel will obey His Lordship Il Palazzo!
Il Palazzo: (returns to his cold tone) Kisaragi Central has initiated a pilot plan: sending fighters to other planets as part of the galactic expansion.
Excel: (interrupting, shouting with excitement) Excel knew it! Excel will go with Lord Il Palazzo in a glorious spaceship, traveling among the stars, where Excel will conquer planets with fire, with bombs, with violent interplanetary torture tactics, and—!
Il Palazzo: (cutly, raising a hand) No.
Excel: (stops dead) Huh?
Il Palazzo: There will be no ship. There will be no joint trip. You and Hyatt will be sent via a teleportation machine that Central has prepared. An experimental device. You will go… alone.
Hyatt: (half-conscious) Tele…trans…port…ator…cough cough…I hope it doesn't disintegrate internal organs…
Excel: (with shining eyes, ignoring Hyatt) Excel understands! Excel will give her life for this mission! Excel will do it in the name of His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo! Excel knows that even if she dies on a foreign planet, Lord Il Palazzo will remember her and perhaps love her forever!
Il Palazzo: (looking at her with weariness, pressing another button that drops a heavy book on Excel's head) Enough.
[Excel falls to the ground with a giant bump on her head, but gives Il Palazzo a thumbs-up.]
Excel: Excel withstands His Excellency, Lord Il Palazzo's punishment as proof of eternal loyalty!
Il Palazzo: (deep sigh) …It will be a miracle if they survive the teleportation.
Ideas
Excel: Excel has a very important question, Your Excellency Lord Il Palazzo! If Excel and Hyatt leave to conquer other planets, who will take care of the sacred organization in Excel's absence?!
Il Palazzo: (serious, almost bored) That's settled. We've found a new member.
[A side hatch opens, and a small, innocent-looking woman wearing Kisaragi's uniform and pigtails enters. She looks like a child, until she smiles with cold eyes.]
Sara Cosette: (sweet voice) Pleased to meet you. I'm Sara. I used to work as an assassin. People think I'm an adorable little girl, and when they let their guard down... well... (makes a throat-cutting gesture with her hand, with a haunting laugh).
Excel: (excited, almost crying) Excel recognizes Lord Il Palazzo's genius in choosing someone so sweet and deadly! I feel so sorry for the poor thing, she just had her mother back!
Hyatt: (coughing blood) …I'm glad to see you again, Cossette… cough cough… …
Cosste: I'm glad to see you too.
Il Palazzo: (gets up from his chair) (throne) Good luck, Excel, Hyatt. (without any emotion) Whether they survive or not is immaterial.
[Il Palazzo lowers a huge red lever. The floor beneath Excel and Hyatt opens, sending both screaming down a spiraling metal passageway that launches them straight into Kisaragi Central.]
Kisaragi Central
[Excel and Hyatt land on a padded platform. In front of them is Lady Black Lilith, elegant in a lab coat, holding a light-up tablet.]
Black Lilith: (professional tone) Welcome, Combat Agents 21 and 22. As you know, this is an experimental mission. You have been issued a portable teleportation device: mini-teleporters in the form of a bracelet. Your mission will be to reconnoiter the site, assess the threat level of its military forces, build a base, and within the base, build another teleportation machine that allows sending and receiving from both sides. You will be required to submit a weekly report.
Excel: (raising her arm as if she'd won a prize) Excel knew it! Excel always knew that Kisaragi guards her agents with the most advanced technology. Excel is ready to demonstrate His Excellency's supremacy. Lord Il Palazzo Hyatt: (barely audible) ...if... I survive... it will be a miracle...
Black Lilith: (ignoring Excel's display) These bracelets also allow you to exchange "bad points" for necessary resources.
Excel: Bad points?
Black Lilith: The chip in their brains records every negative action they perform: theft, unnecessary violence, lies, humiliation, etc. The more evil they accumulate, the more rewards they can redeem.
Excel: (eyes shining) Excel understands! Excel was born to be the greatest bad point engine in history! Excel will conquer worlds, kick kittens, steal desserts, and all in the name of His Excellency Il Palazzo-
Black Lilith: (with a sigh) …I feared it.
[Without further ado, Lilith activates the machine and both are encapsulated in cylinders of light. In the blink of an eye, Excel and Hyatt are teleported away.]
Free Fall at 3000 km
[Excel opens her eyes and sees that they are in the sky, plummeting from a very high altitude.]
Excel: (turning on a recording camera in midair) Excel report! The teleportation was an absolute success! Excel, the magnificent Combat Agent 21, is alive and in free fall toward the glorious new world!
[She looks to the side and sees that Hyatt has already fainted… but she does have a parachute.]
Excel: Cosmic injustice! Excel didn't get a parachute, Excel demands a level playing field!
[Hyatt dies in midair from the pressure and lack of oxygen. Excel unhesitatingly rips off his parachute, opens it, and begins to glide.]
Excel: Excel confirms that the teleportation is a complete success. Excel is now descending with military precision, heading for the glorious destination His Excellency Il Palazzo has planned for her!
[Looking down, Excel notices that the planet is split in two: on one side, an endless desert; on the other, a thick Amazon-like forest. Between the two, on the desert side, a medieval castle can be seen.]
Excel: Excel visually confirms a hostile and mysterious terrain! Excel swears that she will conquer that castle in the name of Il Palazzo even if Excel dies a hundred times in the process!
[Excel lands in the desert, doing a ridiculous spin with her parachute. Seconds later, Hyatt revives as if nothing had happened, rising dusty.]
Hyatt: (weak voice) Officer Excel... it seems... I've come back to life again... cough cough
Excel: (turning the camera back on, ignoring the situation) Excel continues the official report! Excel and Hyatt have successfully completed the insertion into the new world! Excel marches bravely through the desert, certain that His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo is watching!
Hyatt: (walking behind, staggering) ...I hope... there's water... before I die again...
[Excel waves the camera toward the horizon, its eyes fixed on the castle.]
Excel: Excel declares that this will be the glorious beginning of Excel's Planetary Conquest, Agent 21 of Kisaragi-Across!
[Scene: Excel and Hyatt stagger through the endless dunes. Excel turns on the camera with maniacal enthusiasm.]
Excel: Report from Excel! Excel confirms the air is completely breathable, though Excel prefers the smoggy urban breeze of Earth! Excel also confirms that she spotted a city in the middle of the desert, a few hours away! Excel will begin investigating the surrounding area, because Excel is professional, meticulous, and…
[A strange growl interrupts. From the sandy ground emerge dog-like creatures… but covered in carnivorous leaves, stems, and flowers instead of snouts.]
Excel: This is unacceptable! Excel demands an explanation! These animals look nothing like those on Earth! Excel trained to fight normal dogs, not canines with integrated botany!
Hyatt: (running weakly) Officer ExcHey, I have no bad points for using the bracelet!
Excel: (stopping abruptly, with dramatic lighting) Excel, I forgot! The glorious Central bracelet!
[Excel takes out a crumpled piece of paper, writes "ULTRA COOL ESCAPE BIKE," holds it up to the bracelet, and immediately a digital counter displays -50 bad points.]
Excel: EXCEL HAS SUMMONED ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY!
[A futuristic motorcycle appears, shining with ridiculous lights. Excel jumps on it and drags Hyatt with it. With an exaggerated roar, the vehicle speeds through the desert, leaving the plant dogs behind.]
Excel: Excel confirms the successful escape thanks to the evil stored in his heart!
Hyatt: (fainting on the back of the motorcycle) ... Officer Excel, I think... I'm going to throw up.
At the city gates
[Excel dramatically stops the motorcycle in front of a massive wall with steel gates. He turns off the engine and turns on the camera again.]
Excel: Report from Excel! Excel is about to enter the native civilization! Excel declares exclusively: it will be a piece of cake to conquer this place in the name of His Excellency Il Palazzo! EXCEL guarantees it 120%!
...The intelligent life forms existing at the current location closely resemble humans. Although I don't understand their language.
[Excel hangs the camera on his belt. Just at that moment, a squad of women riding on majestic unicorns bursts out of the gates. Their spears glow with magical light and immediately pierce through the plant-dogs still chasing the agents.
[The commander, with sky-blue hair and heavy blue armor, stands in front of Excel and Hyatt, eyeing the motorcycle suspiciously.]
Commander: (in local language, firm and authoritative) "What is this strange machinery? Who are you?"
Excel: (laughing nervously, turning to Hyatt) Excel needs an immediate translation, Hyatt!
Hyatt: (panting) I... cough cough... was a sniper... but not an alien princess...
Excel: That's no good! Excel doesn't know if this fanfic features the characters in their anime or manga versions! Excel demands consistency of continuity!
[Excel's incomprehensible words, coupled with her gesticulating, cause the unicorn warriors to lower their spears suspiciously.]
Commander: (in local language) "Spies. Capture them."
[Excel and Hyatt, although they don't understand the language, deduce from the body language what happens when a group of armed Amazons surrounds them and shackles them.]
Excel: (as she is dragged away) Excel formally protests! Excel is not a spy, Excel is a legitimate conqueror, Agent 21 of Kisaragi-Across! Excel demands an exclusive interview with Lord Il Palazzo as collateral!
Hyatt: (fading away as she's carried) ...Officer Excel- at least... they gave us... accommodations...
[The two are thrown into a cold, damp stone cell, accused of being spies, while unicorns snort majestically outside.]
[Scene: Dark cell, Excel pulls out her makeshift camera with sick enthusiasm.]
Excel: Report from Excel! Excel officially declares that the mission has gone awry, Excel and Hyatt have been captured by hostile natives! Excel adds that the local language is impossible to understand, even with universal signs of friendship like "Excel is here to conquer you"!
Hyatt: (lying on the floor, coughing) ...Officer Excel, I think... I'm going to die any moment...
The Next Day
[Snow, the squadron commander, enters the cell. Her military bearing commands respect. [Points to Excel and Hyatt's black uniforms with electric blue stripes.]
Snow: (in local language) "Where does that phosphorescent black armor with blue patterns come from? No blacksmith in the kingdom could forge it..."
Excel: (laughing, not understanding anything) Excel confirms that the blue commander has many questions! Excel doesn't understand a word, but Excel assumes she wants to marry Excel as a form of diplomatic alliance!
Hyatt: (staring at Snow, still dying) ...no... I think... she means... marriage... cough cough...
Months later
Months Later
[The knights, with superhuman patience, try day after day to teach Excel and Hyatt the local language. Finally, Excel turns on the camera again.]
Excel: Report from Excel! Excel proudly declares that she has learned the native language! Well… actually, it was Hyatt who understood it first and then explained it to Excel, because the locals didn't know how to do it without dying of frustration. But Excel, as a born leader, takes official credit for Lord Il Palazzo's file.
Hyatt: (whispering, weakly) …I feel… that language manuals… should include fewer blows.
Explosions in the Distance
[Roars are heard outside the fortress. Excel and Hyatt look toward the barred window.]
Excel: Excel confirms! The glorious Azure Kingdom is at war! Excel will make a faithful report for His Excellency Il Palazzo, even if Excel is subjected to the most horrific methods of torture!
Hyatt: (sitting on the cell chair) ...Officer Excel... I... couldn't resist. [Hyatt slowly collapses, dead once again.]
Excel: Hyatt! Hang in there, Excel needs your weak body to validate the report!
[Guards enter, sigh, and carry Hyatt's corpse as if disappointed. They carry it to the garbage.]
Excel's Escape
[At night, Excel picks the lock with her teeth (with miraculous success) and escapes. She runs to the waste disposal area, rummaging through the trash until she finds Hyatt... alive.]
Excel: (hugging her fervently) Hyatt! Excel knew death couldn't stop you! Excel confirms the success of the 512th rescue operation!
Hyatt: (full of flies, barely opening her eyes) ...Officer Excel, I don't know if I'm alive... or... still dead...
Excel: (turning on the camera) Report from Excel! Excel has recovered her invaluable companion Hyatt from the official garbage dump! Excel takes this moment to wonder how her emergency food, which Excel lovingly calls "Menchi", is doing! Or what Pedro is doing with the fact that he got his son and his sexy wife back.
Hyatt: (blinking) ...Excuse me, Officer Excel... and who is Pedro?
Excel: (with all seriousness in the world) Pedro is a Colombian friend Excel met on a top-secret mission.
Hyatt: (confused, weak) ...Officer Excel... we'd better leave.
[Excel and Hyatt, exhausted, decide to walk around the wall, trying not to attract attention.]
Excel: Excel reports that Excel and Hyatt will move discreetly outside the wall to remain unnoticed, like expert infiltrators!
Hyatt: (dragging his feet) ...Officer Excel, I think... discretion is ruined... since you shouted in the chamber...
Excel: Excel is shouting out of official protocol, not discretion!
[Both continue their march in the darkness of the desert, with the walled city at their backs and explosions still echoing in the distance.]
[Excel and Hyatt are crouching behind some rocks, the camera recording in night vision. In front of them, the red-haired witch directs the zombies slowly emerging from the sand.]
Excel: (whispering loudly) Hyatt! Hyatt, you saw it, you saw it! This is like those American movies where the world ends because someone played with the wrong Ouija board!
Hyatt: (weakly) Miss Excel... if we end up surrounded by zombies... would it be inappropriate to ask you to let me faint now?
Excel: No fainting allowed! That's what extras do first, and then they die! We're the stars!
[Excel zooms in on the witch: the young, red-haired priestess staggers barefoot, her yellow eyes seemingly staring into space. The zombies obey her every slight movement.]
Excel: (gulping) Uuuh… okay, this doesn't feel like a fun movie anymore. This feels like some weird Resident Evil DLC!
Hyatt: (quietly) …Why… do they seem to be… practicing choreography?
[The zombies form lines, raising their arms in sync. The witch murmurs sleepily.]
Grimm: …prepare the bodies… the festival is approaching… everyone must dance…
Excel: (biting her lip to keep from screaming) The festival?! What kind of festival needs zombies in military formation?!
Hyatt: (weak smile) …Maybe… it’s a… costume… festival… with a lot of… authenticity… [collapses half-dead on Excel]
Excel: Hyatt, don’t tell me that! You can’t turn into a zombie before the party, we haven’t even danced yet!
[Excel, dragging Hyatt, slowly backs away. The camera continues recording while the chorus of zombie moans becomes almost rhythmic, like a macabre dance rehearsal.]
Excel: (whispering, nervously) Okay, change of plans… we recorded enough for the report! Now let’s run before someone asks us to join the dance club of the dead!
Hyatt: (half-conscious) …Officer Excel—if I turn into a zombie… I promise… to dance with you…
Excel: (with moist eyes) Don’t say that! That’s too adorable and disturbing at the same time! Hyatt, Let's go now!
[They both walk away awkwardly, with Hyatt dragged like a rag doll, as the zombie chants fade into the distance. The camera continues recording until Excel swipes it off.]
Today's Mission, Failed
And that's it. How will Excel and Hyatt fare? Write it in the comments. Bye.
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