We are at the Southern headquarters of the Kisaragi organization:
Hail Lord Il Palazzo.
[Kisaragi— Across Branch, a gloomy building with “World Conquest Completed!” posters hanging crookedly. Inside, Lord Il Palazzo sits on his steel throne, serious and imposing. Excel and Hyatt extend their phrase in Roman salute before him.]
Il Palazzo: (in a deep, cold voice) Thank you for coming, combat agents.
Excel: (jumps around like she's on a variety show) Excel is ready to serve His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo! Excel will give her life for his glorious cause, Excel dances, Excel sings, Excel...!
[Excel grabs Hyatt's hand and spins her around like an impromptu ballet dancer.]
Hyatt: (falling to the ground) Ugh … Officer Excel I… cough *cough * I think I'm... dying again...
Il Palazzo: (pinching the bridge of his nose) Agent Excel… I asked for silence, not a circus act.
Excel: But Excel is only trying to enhance the atmosphere of this glorious encounter! Excel knows that it is Excel's duty to liven up the dark life of Lord Il Palazzo, even if Excel dies trying!
[ Il Palazzo pulls out a gun and pulls the trigger on Excel. Excel screams like a cartoon character, smoking, but immediately recovers with the same maniacal grin.]
Il Palazzo: Listen. Kisaragi has completely conquered this world. Humanity is under our absolute control. Our secret organization for spreading the path to perfect ideals... However , Kisaragi- Across , our branch, is about to disappear because it has the fewest victories. I imagine you understand the reason for my sadness. All because of your incompetence in the missions assigned to you for world conquest.
Hyatt: (fainting gently) …I'm sorry…
Excel: No! Excel will not allow the Across branch to disappear! Excel has fought, has run, has bled! Excel begs His Lordship Il Palazzo to have mercy on Excel, for Excel loves him with all his being and—!
Il Palazzo: (in a threatening tone) One more word and I'll make your elimination official.
Excel: (covering his mouth, eyes shining) Excel will obey His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo!
Il Palazzo: (returns to its cold tone) The Kisaragi headquarters has initiated a pilot plan: dispatching combatans to other planets as part of the galactic expansion.
Excel: (interrupting, shouting with excitement) Excel knew it! Excel will go with Lord Il Palazzo in a glorious spaceship, traveling among the stars, where Excel will conquer planets with fire, with bombs, with violent tactics of interplanetary torture and—!
Il Palazzo: (sharply, raising a hand) No.
Excel: (stops abruptly) Huh?
Il Palazzo: There will be no ship. There will be no trip together. You and Hyatt will be sent via a teleportation machine that headquarters has prepared. An experimental device. You will go… alone.
Hyatt: (half-conscious) Tele…trans…por… tator … cough *cough *... I hope it doesn't disintegrate internal organs...
Excel: (with glowing eyes, ignoring Hyatt) Excel understands! Excel will give her life for this mission! Excel will do it in the name of His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo! Excel knows that even if she dies on a strange planet, Lord Il Palazzo will remember her and perhaps love her eternally!
Il Palazzo: (looking at her with boredom, pressing another lever that almost makes her fall) Enough.
[Excel fights against gravity, trying to fall but raising a thumb towards Il Palazzo.]
Excel: Excel withstands the punishment of His Excellency, Lord Il Palazzo, as proof of eternal loyalty!
Il Palazzo: (deep sigh) …It will be a miracle if they survive the teleportation.
Excel: Excel has a question of utmost importance, Your Excellency Lord Il Palazzo! If Excel and Hyatt depart to conquer other planets, who will safeguard the sacred organization in Excel's absence?!
Il Palazzo: (serious, almost bored) That's settled. I've recruited a new member. Here 's the newest member of Kisaragi- Accross
[A side hatch opens and a small, innocent-looking woman enters, wearing Kisaragi's uniform and with her hair in pigtails. She looks like a child, until she smiles with cold eyes.]
Sara Cosette: (sweet voice) Nice to meet you. I'm Cosette Sara, I'm a killing machine . I used to work as an assassin. People think I'm an adorable 9-year-old girl, and when they let their guard down… well… (makes a slitting motion with her hand, with a disturbing laugh).
Excel: (excited, almost crying) Excel recognizes Lord Il Palazzo's genius in choosing someone so sweet and mortal! But I feel so sorry for the poor thing. The great will of the macrocosm turned her into a happy child in episode 8 of the official anime!
Hyatt: (coughing blood) …I'm glad to see you again, Cosette … cough cough … …
Cosette : I'm glad to see you too.
Hyatt would begin to bleed profusely after shaking hands with Cosette.
Il Palazzo: (rises from his throne) Good luck, Agent 21 Excel, Agent 22 Hyatt. (without any emotion) Whether you survive or not is irrelevant.
HAIL LORD IL PALATSO
HAIL LORD IL PALATSO
HAIL LORD IL PALATSO
[ Il Palazzo pulls its lever. The floor beneath Excel and Hyatt opens, sending them both tumbling screaming down a spiraling metal passageway that launches them straight into Kisaragi Central.]
Kisaragi Central
[Excel and Hyatt land on a padded platform. In front of them is Lady Black Lilith, elegant and wearing a lab coat, holding a luminous tablet.]
Black Lilith: (professional tone) Welcome, Combat Agents 21 and 22. As you know, this is an experimental mission. You have been issued a portable teleportation device: mini-teleporters in the form of bracelets. Your mission The task will be to reconnoiter the location, assess the threat level of its military forces, and construct a base. Within the base, they will build another teleportation machine capable of sending and receiving data in both directions. They will be required to submit a weekly report.
Excel: (raising her arm as if she had won an award) Excel knew it! Excel always knew that Kisaragi takes care of her agents with the most advanced technology. Excel is ready to demonstrate the supremacy of His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo.
Hyatt: (barely audible) …yes… official Excel.
Black Lilith: (ignoring the Excel show) These bracelets also allow you to exchange "Evil points" for needed resources.
Excel: Evil points?
Black Lilith: The chip in their brains records every negative action they commit: theft, unnecessary violence, lies, humiliation, etc. The more evil they accumulate, the more rewards they can redeem.
Excel: (with glowing eyes) Excel understands! Excel was born to be the greatest bad-point engine in history! Excel will conquer worlds, kick kittens, steal desserts, and all in the name of His Excellency Il Palazzo-
She said this as they both entered the teleportation booth.
Black Lilith: (with a sigh) …Yes, yes, yes, whatever You say.
[Without further ado, Lilith activates the machine and both are encapsulated in cylinders of light. In the blink of an eye, Excel and Hyatt are teleported away.]
Free fall from a height of 3000 km
[Excel opens his eyes and sees that they are in the sky, plummeting from a great height.]
Excel: (activating a recording camera in mid-air) Excel's Report! The teleportation was a complete success! Excel, the magnificent combat agent 21, is alive and in freefall toward the glorious new world!
[She glances to the side and sees that Hyatt has already fainted… but she does have a parachute.]
Excel: Cosmic injustice! Excel didn't get a parachute, Excel demands a level playing field!
[Hyatt dies mid-air from the pressure and lack of oxygen. Without hesitation, Excel tears off his parachute, opens it, and begins to glide.]
Excel: Excel confirms that the teleportation is a complete success. Excel is now descending with military precision, heading towards the glorious destination that His Excellency Il Palazzo has prepared for her!
[Looking down, Excel notices that the planet is divided in two: on one side, an endless desert; on the other, a dense Amazon-like forest. Between them, in the desert area, stands a medieval castle.]
Excel: Excel visually confirms a hostile and mysterious terrain! Excel swears he will conquer that castle in the name of Il Palazzo even if Excel dies a hundred times in the process!
[ Excel lands in the desert, doing a ridiculous spin with the parachute. Seconds later, Hyatt revives as if nothing happened, getting up covered in dust.]
Hyatt: (weak voice) Officer Excel… it seems… I've come back to life again… cough cough
Excel: (turning the camera back on, ignoring the situation) Excel continues the official report! Excel and Hyatt have successfully completed the insertion into the new world! Excel marches bravely through the desert, certain that His Excellency Lord Il Palazzo is watching! We will head towards a city we saw while we were falling
Hyatt: (walking behind, unsteady) …I hope… there’s water…
Excel and Hyatt stagger across the endless dunes. Excel fires up the camera with manic enthusiasm. Excel waves the camera toward the horizon, his gaze fixed on the castle.
Hyatt: Official Excel...
Excel: Give me a moment, Hyatt, I'm working on the report! Excel declares that this will be the glorious beginning of the Planetary Conquest of Excel, Agent 21 of Kisaragi- Across !
Hyatt: But Officer Excel...
Excel Report! Excel confirms the air is completely breathable, although Excel prefers Earth's smog-laden urban breeze! Excel also confirms it spotted a city in the middle of the desert, a few hours away! Excel will begin investigating the surrounding area, because Excel is professional, meticulous, and…
Excel: That now no Hyatt
[A strange growl interrupts. Behind them they can see dog-like creatures… but covered in carnivorous leaves, stems, and flowers instead of snouts.]
Excel: This is unacceptable! Excel demands an explanation! These animals are nothing like the ones on Earth! Excel trained to fight normal dogs, not canines with built-in botany!
Hyatt: (running weakly) Officer Excel ! I have no evil points for using the bracelet!
Excel: (stopping abruptly, with dramatic lighting) Excel, I'd forgotten! The glorious Central bracelet!
[Excel pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper, writes “ULTRA COOL EXHAUST MOTORCYCLE”, holds it up to the bracelet, and immediately a digital counter displays –Insufficient Points.]
Excel: EXCEL HASN'T INVOKED ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY BECAUSE IT HAS NO DOWNSIDE POINTS!
[Excel without further ado] The option starts fighting the creatures with their bare fists .
Excel: Excel confirms the successful escape thanks to the evil accumulated in his heart!
Hyatt: ( fainting) ... Officer Excel, I think... I'm going to throw up
At the gates of the city
[Excel stops dramatically in front of a massive wall with steel gates, and turns the camera back on.]
Excel: Excel Report! Excel is about to enter the native civilization! Excel declares exclusively: conquering this place in the name of His Excellency Il Palazzo will be a piece of cake! EXCEL guarantees it 120%!
The intelligent life forms that exist in this location are very similar to humans. Although I don't understand their language .
[Excel hangs the camera on her belt. Just then, a squad of women riding majestic unicorns bursts out of the gates. Their lances glow with magical light and immediately pierce the plant-dogs that were still chasing the agents.]
[Excel hangs the camera on her belt. Just then, a squad of women riding majestic unicorns bursts out of the gates. Their lances glow with magical light and immediately pierce the plant-dogs that were still chasing the agents.]
[The commander, with sky-blue hair and heavy white armor, stands in front of Excel and Hyatt, looking at them suspiciously.]
Commander: (in the local language, firm and authoritarian) “What is this strange machinery? Who are you?”
Excel: (laughing nervously, turning to Hyatt) Excel needs an immediate translation, Hyatt!
Hyatt: (panting) I… cough *cough * I was a sniper... but not an alien princess...
Excel: That won't do! Excel doesn't know if this fanfic uses the anime or manga versions of the characters! Excel demands continuity consistency!
[Excel's incomprehensible words, plus his gesticulating gestures, cause the unicorn warriors to lower their spears with a suspicious look.]
Commander: (in local language) “Spies. Capture them.”
[Excel and Hyatt, although they don't understand the language, deduce from body language what is happening when a group of armed Amazons surrounds them and puts them in shackles.]
Excel: (while being dragged) Excel formally protests! Excel is not a spy, Excel is a legitimate conqueror, Agent 21 of Kisaragi- Across ! Excel demands an exclusive interview with Lord Il Palazzo-as collateral!
Hyatt: (fading as she's carried) …officer Excel - at least… they gave us… lodging…
[The two are thrown into a damp, cold stone cell, accused of being spies]
The cell was dark; Excel pulls out his makeshift camera with morbid enthusiasm.
Excel: Excel Report! Excel officially declares that the mission has gone wrong, Excel and Hyatt have been captured by hostile natives! Excel adds that the local language is impossible to understand, even with universal friendly gestures like "Excel is here to conquer you"!
Hyatt: (lying on the floor, coughing) …officer Excel, I think… I'm going to die any minute now…
The next day
[Snow, the squad commander, enters the cell. Her military bearing commands respect. She points to the black uniforms with electric blue stripes of Excel and Hyatt.]
Snow: (in the local language) "Where did those phosphorescent black armors with blue patterns come from? No blacksmith in the kingdom could forge them..."
Excel: (laughing, not understanding anything) Excel confirms that the little blue commander has many questions! Excel doesn't understand a word, but Excel assumes she wants to marry Excel as a form of diplomatic alliance!
Hyatt: (staring at Snow, still dying) …no… I don't think… she means… marriage… cough cough …
Months later
[The ladies, with superhuman patience, try day after day to teach Excel and Hyatt the local language. Finally, Excel turns on the camera again.]
Excel: Excel Report! Excel proudly declares that it has learned the native language! Well… actually, it was Hyatt who understood it first and then explained it to Excel, because the locals didn't know how to do it without dying of frustration. But Excel, being a natural leader, gets the official credit for the Lord Il Palazzo file
Hyatt: (whispering weakly) …I feel… that language manuals… should include fewer punctuation marks
Explosions in the distance
[There are loud crashes outside the fortress. Excel and Hyatt look towards the barred window.]
Excel: Excel confirms! The glorious Blue Kingdom is at war! Excel will make a faithful report for His Excellency Il Palazzo, even if Excel is subjected to the most horrific methods of torture!
Hyatt: (sitting in the cell chair) …officer excel … I… couldn't resist. [Hyatt slowly collapses, dead once again.]
Excel: Hyatt! Hang in there, Excel needs your weak body to validate the report!
Guards enter, sigh, and carry Hyatt's corpse away as if disappointed. They take it to the trash.
[At night, Excel picks the lock with his teeth (with miraculous success) and escapes. He runs to the garbage dump, rummaging through the trash until he finds Hyatt… alive.]
Excel: (hugging her tightly) Hyatt! Excel knew death couldn't stop you! Excel confirms the success of rescue operation number 512!
Hyatt: (covered in flies, barely opening her eyes) …officer Excel , I don't know if I'm alive… or… still dead…
Excel: (turning on camera) Excel report! Excel has rescued his invaluable companion Hyatt from the official dumpster! Excel takes this opportunity to wonder how his emergency meal, which Excel lovingly calls " Menchi, " is doing! Or what Pedro is doing now that he's recovered his son and his sexy wife
Hyatt: (blinking) …Excuse me, Officer Excel … and who is Pedro?
Excel: (with all seriousness) Pedro is a Brazilian friend that Excel met on a top-secret mission.
Hyatt: (confused, weak) … Excellent Officer … we'd better retreat
[ Excel and Hyatt, exhausted, decide to walk around the perimeter of the wall, trying not to attract attention.]
Excel: Excel reports that Excel and Hyatt will discreetly move outside the wall to blend in, like expert infiltration agents!
Hyatt: (dragging his feet) …Officer Excel, I think… discretion is ruined… ever since you shouted into the camera…
Excel: Excel shouts as an official protocol, not out of discretion!
[Both continue their march through the darkness of the desert, with the walled city behind them and the explosions still echoing in the distance.]
[Excel and Hyatt are crouched behind some rocks, the camera recording in night vision. In front of them, the red-haired witch directs the zombies that are slowly emerging from the sand.]
Excel: (whispering loudly) Hyatt! Hyatt, you saw it, you saw it! This is like those American movies where the world ends because someone played with the wrong Ouija board!
Hyatt: (weakly) Miss Excel… if we end up surrounded by zombies … would it be inappropriate to ask you to let me faint now?
Excel: No fainting allowed! That's what extras do first, and then they die! We're the stars!
[Excel zooms in on the witch: the young, red-haired priestess staggers barefoot, her yellow eyes seemingly staring into space. The zombies obey her every slightest movement.]
Excel: (swallowing hard) Uuuh … okay, this doesn't feel like a fun movie anymore. This feels like a weird Resident Evil DLC. Evil !
Hyatt: (in a low voice) … Why… do they seem to be… practicing choreography?
[The zombies form lines, raising their arms in sync. The witch murmurs sleepily.]
The woman: …prepare the bodies… the festival is approaching… everyone must march…
Excel: (biting her lip to keep from screaming) The festival?! What kind of festival needs zombies in military formation?!
Hyatt: (weak smile) …Perhaps… it's a costume… festival… with a lot of… authenticity… [collapses half-dead onto Excel]
Excel: Hyatt, don't tell me that! You can't turn into a zombie before the party, we haven't even danced yet!
[Excel, dragging Hyatt, slowly backs away. The camera continues recording as the chorus of zombie moans becomes almost rhythmic, like a macabre dance rehearsal.]
Excel: (whispering nervously) Okay, change of plans… we recorded enough for the report! Now let's run before someone asks us to join the Dance of the Dead club!
Hyatt: (half-conscious) …officer excel - if I become a zombie … I promise… to march with you…
Excel: (with tears in her eyes) Don't say that! That's too adorable and disturbing at the same time! Hyatt, let's go now!
[They both walk away awkwardly, with Hyatt being dragged along like a rag doll, as the zombie chants fade into the distance. The camera is still recording until Excel swatts it off.]
The next day
Excel: (waking up startled) Ugh ! It's cold! Hyatt, why didn't you warn me that my tongue was freezing on the lamppost?
Hyatt: (barely opens her eyes) Because… I was dead
Officer: You two! Don't you know it's forbidden to sleep in Love Park?
Excel: (jumps up) Sorry, agent! My subordinate and I were on an important strategic reconnaissance mission for… public banking!
Hyatt: (coughing up blood) What my Excel officer means is… that we're… tourists… very… poor…
Officer: (sighs) Well, pack your things. This isn't a hotel.
Excel: (out loud, theatrically) Attention world! Excel is investigating the hidden secrets of this place! Now… what on earth is supposed to be here?
Suddenly , drums begin to sound. Streets filled with color, lanterns, and singing. Scenes of giant puppets begin to walk; some hug people, others enter houses without being stopped . Excel is speechless.
Excel: Wow ! A parade of kamikaze stuffed colossi!
Hyatt: (weakly but seriously ) Officer Excel, I investigated last night. According to tradition… the deceased return in these figures for two days… to be with their families…
Excel: (laughs) Hahaha ! Hyatt, Hyatt… always with your hemoglobin-fueled delusions. These are clearly costumes powered by compressed air and spare batteries!
Excel jumps up and grabs a random doll, throwing it to the ground. With a knife, he cuts open the figure's torso. The fabric opens and reveals …nothing. The doll is Empty , wireless , without a mechanism, with no one inside. Only a strange echo when the wind passes through.
Excel: (freezes for a second, then records it with her camera) This is…! This is absolutely illogical and therefore irrefutable proof that this planet has absolute control over death! Excel Excel will be the first to reveal it to the universe!
Hyatt: (whispering) I told you so…
Screams. The same red-haired woman from the night before sees them, horrified. Now she approaches in a wooden wheelchair , her face contorted with shock at the sight of the destroyed doll.
Excel: (mockingly) Oh, oh, oh! If it isn't the redhead lady in a version with wooden wheels. What happened? Did your legs give out on the dance floor?
Hyatt: (panting, worried) Officer Excel- … I think… we just offended her a lot…
Excel: Perfect! That means our research is progressing! Run, Hyatt, run like your life depends on it!
Hyatt: (letting himself be dragged along, half-fainting) It always… depends on it… Excel and Hyatt ran at full speed through the dusty streets, dodging soldiers and curious civilians.
Red-haired girl in a wheelchair (raising her hand):
—Oh, Great Lord Zenarith, curse these blasphemers! Undress them in public!
A beam of light shot from his finger, illuminating the street like an improvised spotlight. Excel turned just in time to see the curse bounce off like a rubber ball.
Excel (shouting while running):
—Hyatt, look! The curse has come back to haunt him!
The woman in the wheelchair let out a scream when suddenly all her clothes disappeared, leaving her completely naked in front of passersby.
Excel (with glowing eyes):
—This is live television, Hyatt! This is top-notch material!
Hyatt (panting as he runs):
—Oficial Excel… I don't think we should… comment on the… nudity of a devout woman…
Excel:
—On the contrary! This is reconnaissance of the terrain!
YOU RECEIVED EVIL POINTS
The next day, Excel and Hyatt ambushed two unsuspecting officers in an alley. With the efficiency of two stray cats, they dragged them behind some boxes and stripped them of their clothes to disguise themselves.
You got evil points
Excel (adjusting his uniform):
—Perfect! We're undercover now!
Hyatt (looking at the uniform three sizes too big ):
—I think… I have something loose…
Excel:
—You're thin, Hyatt! You make up for it with attitude!
They infiltrated the military zone, camouflaged among the troops. Excel watched one squadron in particular with keen interest: a girl of barely 12 years old marched with a cold expression, and next to her was the same woman in a wheelchair.
Excel (whispering):
—Hyatt, look at that! That girl… she’s not normal. She looks like one of those Kisaragi -style mutants !
Hyatt (nodding):
—It has… a very strange aura…
Suddenly, the squad was sent to confront a demon girl with brown skin, white hair with silver highlights, and a bright red swimsuit. Her hands burned with pyrokinesis, shooting flames like a living flamethrower.
Excel (excited): —Hyatt! That demon is on par with Lady Belial ! Pyrokinesis in a swimsuit, it's like a summer special!
The girl stepped forward and struck the fire, deflecting it .
Excel (speechless):
—I push the fire! I PUSH AND PUNCH THE FIRE , HYATT!
Hyatt (clenching his hands):
—This… I think this is an executive-level feat for Kisaragi…
Then an even bigger demon appeared, roaring like thunder. It was about to crush the demon. Pyrokinetic , when the woman in the wheelchair raised her finger and uttered a curse. The colossus froze in its tracks.
Excel (astonished):
—Did you see that, Hyatt?! That woman can paralyze giant demons just by pointing!
Hyatt (in a weak voice):
—It's… surreal… but true
Later, Excel enthusiastically recorded herself, pointing the camera at herself.
Excel (making his video report ):
—This is Agent Excel on a reconnaissance mission! Reporting that in the local war, they sent a woman in a wheelchair, and, oh yes!, that woman was able to curse her adversary. She immobilized a giant demon!
Hyatt (behind, raising his hand):
—I can confirm… that Miss Excel isn't exaggerating. I saw it too… very surreal things happened in that war…
Excel (with a triumphant smile):
—And I, Excel, recorded everything for Kisaragi's glory! No one can tell me I'm not the best spy in the universe!
In a dark alley in the city, Excel and Hyatt knock down trash cans to accumulate evil points.
Excel: Hyatt, quick, throw out that dumpster! We need replacement parts and bad spots don't just appear!
Hyatt: slight cough. Of course, official, Excel, although… this… isn't this technically vandalism?
Excel: Exactly! Vandalism, chaos, minor disturbances… it all adds up to the glorious Kisaragi- Across project ! Soon we'll have cafes, restaurants, maid services, and a teleportation machine!
Hyatt: smiles weakly… I'm more concerned about the mortality rate of our clients.
Excel: Details, Hyatt! Secondary details!
(A metallic footstep interrupts. A woman in a wheelchair with red hair appears in front of them, wearing a strange uniform.)
Woman: Stop right there, you blasphemers! By order of my captain, I must control the nighttime troublemakers... Why is it always women? Why can't there be men who can be forgiven in exchange for a date?
Excel (speechless): …wait, wait, wait… aren't you the same redheaded woman we saw controlling zombies weeks ago… and whose head got squashed like a watermelon yesterday?
Hyatt: Yes… I clearly remember the texture… bloody cough
Woman: With pride. Correct. I am Grimm, priestess of Lord Zenarith. Dying is part of my job. My captain punished me for dying in the line of duty, so now I'm on night patrol…
Excel: …what do you mean by “dying in service”?
Grimm: Yes, yes, reviving is normal... for me . But if they were at least a couple of good-looking men, I'd let them go on a date... but no! They're two blasphemers.
Excel: staring at her. Your desperation to find a husband and your ability to return from the dead remind me of someone… but I can't place who…
Hyatt: Relax, I've never looked for a husband, Officer Excel
Excel: raises eyebrow sarcastically And I've only been waiting for Lord Il Palazzo's hand.
Grimm: Offended, with blazing eyes, "Insolent ones! Oh, great Zenarith, bring misfortune upon these disrespectful ones! May they suffer as when you stub your little toe!"
(Suddenly, a bright aura rebounds off Grimm. She screams and falls out of the wheelchair, clutching her foot.)
Grimm: AAAAAAAYYY MY LITTLE FINGER!
Excel: Holding Hyatt by the hand! We don't need scientific explanations! Run, Hyatt! RUN!
Hyatt: panting, weakly…yes, Officer Excel
(They both flee, leaving Grimm writhing on the floor. Later, in her rented room, Excel records a report with a makeshift recorder made of cans and gears.)
Excel (recording): “Night report number 237: We encountered a wheelchair-bound zombie priestess with a spinster complex. Her curse rebounded on her, confirming that Excel's justice is universal. We continue to accumulate bad points to build the teleporter . Hyatt collapsed three times. End of report.”
Hyatt: passed out on the floor, with a bloodstain on her mouth. Good … job … officer … collapses
[Planet forest, dawn]
[Planet forest, dawn]
Excel: (excitedly) Hyatt, Hyatt, look at this! Alien frog eggs! They're perfect for my field research.
Hyatt: (in a subdued tone) …they look a little unstable, Excel. Are you sure that—
Excel: (interrupting her) Bah! I survived the Colombian guerrillas and found my way back to Japan, how dangerous can moving a few eggs be?
(Excel clumsily grabs the eggs, shakes them a little to show them off better. Suddenly, BOOM, the eggs explode like grenades, sending smoke and chunks of mud flying everywhere.)
Excel: (covered in mud, laughing nervously) …ha-ha-ha… they were disguised biological grenades! Ingenious, hostile planet, ingenious!
Hyatt: (falling to his knees) … excellent … I feel my blood leaving me again…
(Hyatt slowly collapses. Excel runs to her side, but behind her, small green frogs with bulging eyes begin to croak rhythmically.)
Excel: (turning his head) What are those…?
Hyatt: (weakly) …the locals call them… Mipyokopyoko … (faints).
Excel: (excitedly) Mipyokopyoko ! The cutest name for creatures that are sure to explode too!
(One of the toads leaps toward her, but instead of exploding, it makes a dry sound. Another explodes with a bright flash, sending bone shrapnel flying through the air. Excel grabs Hyatt's body and stumbles away.)
[Rent room, night]
(Excel places Hyatt's body on the makeshift bed. The place is dirty, littered with scribbled papers and empty water bottles.)
Excel: (panting) Hyatt, we're here.
(Hyatt opens his eyes for a moment, as if nothing had happened.)
Hyatt: …how kind… Excel… I think I saw the Virgin Mary… again…
Excel: (frantically jotting down notes in a notebook) Note: Local fauna includes Mipyokopyoko exploding frogs , probably designed by some entity that hates explorers… but useful for war purposes.
(Excel observes Hyatt's weakened body, smiles resolutely, and looks out the window at the moonlit forest.)
Excel: This planet challenges me at every turn! But Excel won't back down! I'll make this place the next training ground for future Across secret agents !
(At dawn, Excel and Hyatt return to the forest with their makeshift backpacks, recorder, and notebooks. The air is thick with the sounds of giant creatures.)
Excel: Hyatt-chan, look! The wild greets us with a titanic food chain battle! Bus-sized blue lobsters versus red snakes that look like animated water pipes! Excel is ecstatic!
Hyatt: (weakly, coughing) …I can't tell if this is a dream… or if I'm really watching a mixed plate fighting by itself…
Excel: It's not a dream, Hyatt-chan, it's reality! And Excel will conquer it! (pulls out a ridiculously small net and a kitchen knife) With this cutting-edge technology, we will proceed to…
(Before she can finish, they both see a giant red snake collapse, its head pierced by an axe blow. An indigenous girl of about 12 years old appears, wearing a carved wooden mask and carrying a primitive axe covered in blood.)
Excel: WHAT?!
Hyatt: …The indigenous children of this plant are very strong…
Excel: A girl… a girl who hunts giant snakes like they're garden worms! Hyatt-chan, I'm in culture shock!
(Hyatt points towards the trees, where dozens of giant snakes are impaled on colossal stakes.)
Hyatt: …based on the decor… I would say it's some kind of… tribal initiation ritual…
Excel: (pulling out the recorder and speaking solemnly) Excel's Secret Report: I'M NOT LYING… when I say that a twelve-year-old girl defeated a colossal snake with nothing but a stone axe. And that it's… apparently… just part of a school initiation ritual.
Hyatt: …if they're like that as children… I don't want to know how It will be the adults
(Excel continues recording, but her enthusiasm suddenly rises. She trembles, a mixture of pride and fear.)
Excel: Perhaps I'm exaggerating? Perhaps I'm attributing to this culture a savagery that is actually a noble symbolic act—
(Suddenly, the foliage rustles and the "mutant girl" Excel had seen during his previous infiltration enters—the one capable of kicking fire, a Belial- level demon . Her presence is oppressive. She walks toward the snake's corpse, claiming it in a hoarse, demanding voice.)
Mutant girl: That body is mine! Get out of my way, you insignificant thing!
(The indigenous girl stands in front of her, brandishing her axe and shaking her head.)
Excel: OHHHHHH! Rivalry between killer girls of mythological proportions! Anthropology smiles upon me!
Hyatt: (coughing blood) …they look so alike… neither of them is holding back… what if they're goddesses disguised as pre-teens?
(The two girls clash violently, one with an axe and the other with unnatural brute force. The ground trembles, trees split. Excel hides behind a rock, but peeks out, her eyes shining with excitement.)
Excel: Woohoo ! They're evenly matched! This isn't a girl fight, it's a clash of titans in compact form! The future of Across needs to import this tradition!
Hyatt: …I just hope they don't see us… or we'll be dessert… or worse
(Excel and Hyatt, still trembling with emotion and trauma, walk quickly out of the woods. Excel pauses for a moment and dictates her report into the recorder as they walk.)
Excel: Excel Field Report: Confirmed. The indigenous natives possess superhuman strength, instinctive combat skills, and a ritualistic social system involving the slaying of gigantic creatures with primitive tools. The planet's mutants exhibit power levels comparable to those of Kisaragi's executives.
Across recruitment !
Hyatt: …I feel like a weak molecule in the middle of an explosive cocktail…
Excel: But we're alive! Excel is a survival genius!
(They both find a clearing and sit down to rest. The sun begins to set, turning the sky orange.)
Hyatt: …I wish I had some tea… or a whole blood transfusion…
Excel: (sweating and with mud all over his face) Ugh ! Hyatt… I think this planet wants to kill us… but it also wants us to admire its folklore!
Hyatt: …I feel like I'm on a school trip… to hell…
Excel: Anthropological Excursion, Hyatt AND EXCEL WILL NOT FAIL!
(At that moment, an old man appears with a white beard, a crooked wooden cane, and a straw hat. He has a kind look and a trembling voice.)
Old man: Huh? Alex, Alexis?
Old man: Ohhhh … my daughters! I've finally found you! My little ones! Come to Daddy!
Excel: (whispering to Hyatt) …what? Did she say daughters?
Hyatt: (looking confused) …I don't remember having a druid father…
Excel: (out loud, with an "okay, why not" face) YES, FATHER!! Here we are, your daughters lost in the forest of death! We're back!
Old man: Oh, what joy! Would you like to come with me to the forest for some honey? It's the perfect season! The bees are active!
Hyatt: (muttering) …doesn't sound like a good idea… Excel… the bees we saw… were… enormous…
Excel: (smiling nervously) Yes… those bees looked like helicopters with stingers! But I'm sure the old man is crazy and will die in three… two… one…
Excel: Yes! Exactly! (smiles at the old man) Father, you go! We'll take care of the… imaginary fire here!
Old Man: As you wish! Old Alexandrite Galvenier can manage on his own! I'll be back before nightfall!
(The old man calmly enters the forest. Excel sighs and collapses onto the grass.)
Excel: Mental note: The old man is completely unhinged. He's probably already being devoured by a queen bee the size of a blimp.
Hyatt: …poor man… at least he died believing he had daughters…
(Excel takes out his notebook, frantically writes a report)
Excel and Hyatt watch him walk away while drinking from a rusty canteen.
Excel: (pulling out his notebook and typing quickly) Excel Report: A local individual with paternal delusions, possibly senile, has been detected walking directly towards certain death at the hands of tank-sized bees. Recommendation: DO NOT FOLLOW HIM. Secondary recommendation: mourn his death with poetry.
(Excel activates her teleportation bracelet and sends the report to Kisaragi- Across HQ. She makes a solemn gesture.)
Hyatt: …poor man… at least he died believing he had daughters…
Excel: Goodbye, crazy old man… I'm sure you're part of the ecosystem now…
Hyatt: …or of the beehive…
Excel: Report submitted! KISARAGI-ACROSS will be proud! Or at least less disappointed than usual!
(The sun has almost set. They both get up to return to their makeshift base, when suddenly…)
(The old man Alexandrite comes out of the forest) Galvenier . He is completely unharmed, whistling merrily, with a colossal piece of beehive dangling from his hand, covered in glistening golden honey. In his mouth he chews peacefully, and in his hand he uses a giant bee stinger as a toothpick.
Excel: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!?
Hyatt: … did you just
Old man: Ahh , what wonderful honey! Sweet, natural, with a hint of paralyzing poison, just the way I like it! Would you like to try some, my daughters?
Excel: HYATT-chan, IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THAT OLD MAN IS A DEMIGOD?!
Hyatt: …or an immortal madman with a selective allergy to death…
Excel: Excel… Excel doesn't understand anything anymore… but she feels humiliated!
Excel: (recording in a panic and excitement) NEW REPORT: The old man didn't die. The old man not only survived, but he stole honey from the hell bees and walked away without a scratch! USE THE STINGER AS A TOOTHPICK! EXCEL IS NOT EXAGGERATING! I REPEAT: I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!
Old man: Why are you so serious? Let's go to the village! I'll tell you about the time I fought a five-headed salamander and it gave me a wife!
Excel: EXCEL IS DOWN! THAT'S ENOUGH CULTURE FOR TODAY!
Hyatt: (slowly fainting) …I would like to… but I refuse…
[Excel and Hyatt, on the verge of madness, drafting their report to Kisaragi headquarters as night falls.]
Excel: (typing quickly in his electronic notebook) "Field Report #327! ATTENTION, Kisaragi Corporation! This planet is totally messed up. Old people are going in and out of the forest like they're going to buy bread. What kind of world is this where old people are more lethal than mutants?"
Hyatt: (in his soft tone, and half fainting)
"Officer Excel... maybe... the old man is actually... a higher entity in disguise... or maybe he's just... crazy like us... cough cough …"
Excel: (clenching his teeth)
"No, Hyatt! You can't die now! We have to build a secret base, even if we have to conquer this cursed forest with our bare hands!"
[The next morning, both of them appear with shovels, blueprints, and the faces of sleepless zombies .]
[The next morning, both of them appear with shovels, blueprints, and the faces of sleepless zombies .]
Excel:
"The official colonization of Lord Excel's Forest Number 1 begins! Hyatt, prepare the ground for our future mutant vegetable farm!"
Hyatt:
"Yes... Officer Excel-... although I'm not sure farming is our thing..."
Excel:
"Silence, Hyatt! Kisaragi's future depends on this!"
(Excel lights an improvised flamethrower and begins burning the trees. The trunks shake, release steam, and within seconds water rains down, extinguishing the flames.)
Excel: (looking at the sky with a maniacal expression)
"Excel report! THIS CAN'T BE! I swear I'm not going crazy, I'll report it exactly as it is! TREES HAVE BUILT-IN FIRE PROTECTION SYSTEMS!"
[Suddenly, the forest comes to life. Naked plant-girls with petals for hair and green bodies appear.]
Excel: (covers her eyes dramatically)
"Hyatt!!! This is an absurdist comedy anime, not hentai !!"
Hyatt: (looking weakly at the creatures)
"I think... Officer Excel i... that they... want to warn us..."
(The plant-girls split their heads in two like carnivorous flowers and shoot energy beams that shatter a nearby rock.)
Excel: (going around in circles)
"THEY WANT TO DISSOLVE US!! AND ON TOP OF THAT THEY'RE NAKED!!"
[Later, at nightfall.]
(The elderly Alexandrite) Galvenier appears walking calmly from the forest, humming a song, with another piece of giant beehive under his arm and using a bee sting the size of a sword as a toothpick.
Old man:
"Ah, my dear little daughters, how lovely you are waiting for me out here. Look, I brought you fresh honey."
Excel and Hyatt: (in unison, with traumatized expressions)
"………"
Excel: (tears at his hair while writing another report)
"KISARAGI-ACROSS CORPORATION! I REPEAT! What kind of world is this where old people walk in and out of the forest like it's a walk in the park?! I REPORT MAXIMUM FRUSTRATION!!!"
Hyatt: (slowly fainting)
"Officer Excel... this planet... is going to kill us before the enemies do..."
[The makeshift camp in the middle of the desert, surrounded by the smoldering ruins of what until a minute ago was their "secret base." Excel walks with her notebook in hand, disheveled and with a furious expression. Hyatt, as always, is half-dead on the ground.]
Excel: (shouting at the sky) WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS!!! First the cursed forest that spits out naked, ray-shooting plant girls , and now indigenous people who summon laser satellites with choreographed dances. I just wanted a decent base for the glory of Kisaragi-ACROSS!!!
Hyatt: (weakly, raising a hand) Officer Excel… at least we haven't run into… (dramatically spits blood).
Excel: (writing furiously in her notebook) “Second colonization attempt: absolute failure. Giant animals exploding, dancing tribes with orbital support, base destroyed in less than a minute. Excel officially declares that she has NOT gone crazy. THIS REALLY HAPPENED!”
Hyatt: (whispering) Perhaps… we should consider that this world has… different rules…
Excel: (turns around indignantly) Rules? Rules my sandals!
[At the Farms in Grace]
(Excel and Hyatt are hiding behind a dilapidated mill, watching. A group of human farmers are feeding several chained orcs. The orcs are talking amongst themselves, resigned to their fate. Excel's eyes widen in shock.)
Excel: Hyatt!! Look at him!! The orcs are talking!!
Hyatt: (weakly) Yes… and you seem polite .
Orc #1: (sighs) “Today we eat boiled barley… tomorrow, we’ll be roast meat. What a miserable life.”
Orc #2: “Bah… at least it’s better than dying in the war
Excel: (trembling, clutches his head) N-No way!! Hyatt, all this time… the little meat we managed to get…!!
Hyatt: (face turns pale) So… the stews we had last night…?
Excel: They were orcs, Hyatt!! They were orcs!! I'm eating beings with consciousness and feelings!!
Hyatt: (puts his hand to his chest, falls slowly as always) What a tragedy… (faints with a trickle of blood in his mouth).
Excel: Hyatt, don't die right now!!
[Scene – Night, on the outskirts of the village]
(Excel and Hyatt use cheap tools, planting explosives in a water well while whispering conspiratorially.)
Excel: Great!! We got evil points
Destroying basic infrastructure!!
Hyatt: (almost fainting) It's… brilliant, Excel… what a great… strategy… (staggers).
(Boom, the well explodes. A jet of water shoots out while villagers scream in the background.)
Excel: Guaranteed bad points, Hyatt!!
[Scene – Dilapidated apartment in Grace]
(Excel counts coins on the table, while Hyatt tries to sell a fake raffle ticket to an elderly woman who is clearly blind.)
Excel: (talking to herself while counting) Scamming old ladies with fake raffles… such a cruel tactic that it guarantees bad points!! Ha ha Ha !!
Old woman: (to Hyatt) But the raffle prize …?
Hyatt: Yes, ma'am… with a special discount. (He smiles weakly before spitting out a little blood.)
Old woman: Ah, then buy me two tickets.
[ Excel and Hyatt room , several nights later]
(The two of them are lying on the floor, exhausted. There are cigarette butts, empty bottles, and scam flyers everywhere. The atmosphere is miserable.)
Excel: Hyatt… we asked about other types of food… and do you know what we discovered?
Hyatt: (half unconscious) …That cannibalism is legal.
Excel: (grabs his head tightly) THIS WORLD IS WRONG, HYATT!! WRONG!!
Hyatt: (smiles weakly while spitting blood) At least… I'm not very appetizing… They threw me in the trash when they thought I was dead
Excel: (shouting towards the ceiling) LORD IL PALAZZO, GET US OUT OF HERE!!
Excel: Just… a few more days… and we can go back to Japan.
Hyatt: (weakly) And… to die in peace there…
Excel: (clenches fists furiously) I promise I'll never eat mystery stew in another world again!!
[Interior, new, dilapidated apartment. Excel and Hyatt are surrounded by shiny junk and dangling wires. A huge makeshift device covered with a sheet is visible.]
Excel: (panting, hands on hips) Finally!!! After weeks of stealing... No way! How come in this world they eat Orcs like they're farm animals ?
Hyatt. After weeks of blowing up water wells and scamming old ladies with fake raffles… we've accumulated enough bad points to stabilize our glorious teleportation machine. I think we've burned through our entire reputation in this country…
Excel: (pulls out his notebook and begins to write frantically) “Final report number: That planet is the worst. Population: hostile. Climate: hostile. Animals: hostile. Gods: even more hostile. Slavery and cannibalism. I recommend… NEVER sending any more agents. Not even one of the executives.”
Hyatt: (slumping into a chair) … here… there are no dragons… right?
Excel: (frowns and points to the map hanging on the wall) Exactly, Hyatt! And yet, the Demon Realm declared war on Grace! Why? Because it was the easiest to conquer! But who's at the top of Grace? None other than a guy they call "The Chosen One ." Prince of Grace.
(trembles a little) And after everything we've seen... I'd rather not find out what he does.
Hyatt: (with a half-smile, on the verge of collapse) …Probably… turns forest- like plants into salads…
Excel: (slamming the notebook shut) We'll never know, Hyatt!! Because this will be my last report in this cursed world. As soon as the machine stabilizes… we'll return to Earth and Kisaragi-ACROSS will receive my heroic sacrifice!!!
Hyatt: (bleeding sweetly) …Excel… sounds good… but first… shouldn't we investigate a little more… just in case?
Excel: (shouting at the ceiling) INVESTIGATE MORE?! (sighs and collapses to her knees) …Fine, Hyatt… we’ll investigate a little more… but if another robot iguana, another giant mole, or a golem appears, I’ll throw myself into the machine even if it explodes…
No hay comentarios.:
Publicar un comentario