Butters On Konosuba Fanfic

 Butters is celebrating in his office after seeing that Kazuya, his best client, has booked another appointment with Chizuru. He's counting bills while walking around, not paying attention.

Butters: (laughing) Another day, another dollar! This is what you call the American dream, guys.

In an electrical outlet where a wire is half-exposed. He has a bill in his hand and uses it to try to "fix" it.

Butters: Always reinvest in the business!

When suddenly, they hear police sirens. And Butters despairs.

Butters wakes up clearly confused, sitting in a dark space.

Butters: (looking around) Huh? Where am I? Is this Costco?

An angel girl with golden wings appears in front of him.

Angel: Welcome to the afterlife, Leopold Stotch. Unfortunately, you just died. I am the angel who guides the souls of those whose lives were cut short.

Butters: (shocked) Dead?! But I was just reinvesting in my business.

Angel: (smiling) Yeah, well... that didn't go so well, did it? Now you have three options for your eternity:

Angel: Option one: You can stay in heaven. It's a peaceful place, but there's no TV, video games, or any carnal pleasure.

Butters: (horrified) There's not even fast food?

Angel: No, sir.

Butters: What kind of heaven is that?!

Angel: (ignoring the complaint) Option two: You can be reborn on Earth, but with no memory of your previous life. You'd basically start over.

Butters: (thinking) And would I be rich?

Angel: That depends on fate, but considering the odds... probably not.

Butters: (discouraged) Oh...

Angel: Or, finally, option three: You can be reincarnated in a medieval fantasy world. However...

The angel leans forward, as if about to reveal a big secret.

Angel: That world is extremely dangerous. Weaker enemies, like giant frogs, can eat entire goats in one bite. The plants are not only poisonous, but they can move and attack if you try to eat them.

Butters: (interrupting) And there are women in that world?

Angel: (blinking) Uh... yes, there are women.

Butters: (excited) Then I'll choose that one!

Angel: (surprised) Don't you even want to hear any more details?

Butters: I don't need details, miss. I'm expanding my business. The Butters Kisses Rental Company is coming to that world!

The angel sighs and snaps his fingers.

Angel: All right. As compensation for how dangerous that world will be, you can bring a special power or a magical item. What do you wish for?

Butters: (thinking) Hmm... let me see... I want a power that allows me to convince any woman to work for me.

Angel: (confused) That's it? Don't you want something to defend yourself or survive?

Butters: Nah. The girls will protect me.

Angel: (with resignation) Very well. Good luck... you'll need it. Brave Hero, I'll pray that you're the chosen one among the others who manages to defeat the Demon King. If you do, we'll grant you one wish.

Butters appears in an empty plaza in Axel City. It's nighttime, lanterns illuminate the streets with a faint glow, and there's a mysterious atmosphere in the air.

Butters: (looking around) Wow! It's like a medieval theme park!

(Interior: A dark alley in Axel, near a cafe. Butters walks, looking around curiously. A group of succubi surrounds him, closely observing the human boy. His voice is full of enthusiasm and confidence, as if convinced that the power of his new ability is the answer to all his problems.)

As he walks, he passes a group of women with wings and extremely revealing outfits. They all have sly smiles and suggestive looks.

Butters: (looking at them curiously) Oh, wow... they look poor. They must be wearing little clothing because they can't afford more.

One of the succubi approaches him, clearly intrigued by his presence.

Succubus: (smiling) And who are you, little human?

Butters: (excitedly) Oh, I'm Butters Stotch! And you look like you could benefit from a legitimate business.

The succubi look at each other, confused.

Succubus: (laughing) Business? What kind of business?

Butters: (smiling broadly) ButterRent! A premium dating and companionship service. Wanna make some serious money?

Butters:

(laughing nervously) Heh... hehehe... well, girls, you don't have to feel bad, okay? I know you're all skimpy because... well... because you need money!

Succubus 1:

(raising an eyebrow) Money? Kid, we don't need human things... what we do is... get into men's dreams, make them delicious... and then absorb all their life energy... until they die.

Butters:

(blinks, confused) Delicious... dreams?

Succubus 2:

(sensual) Yeah... erotic dreams.

Butters:

Ero-what?

Succubus 3:

(uncomfortably) Well... erm... let's just say they're dreams where pleasure... and passion... feel like a delicacy.

Butters:

(eyes (shining, snaps her fingers) Ah! Like Cheetos or cheese chips! They're like junk food, but in dreams!

Succubi:

(they look at each other, confused) ...

Butters:

Look, you don't have to kill anyone, okay? If the dreams are "delicious," well... then take a little! Just a little nibble per person! That way you won't die, and the men could still keep giving you more "dream food."

Succubus 1:

(clicking her tongue, amused) A little nibble? Boy, it doesn't work that way...

Butters:

(interrupting enthusiastically) THAT'S MORE! I bet the men would pay for that!

Succubus 2:

Pay?

Butters:

Yes, miss! Pay! Because if you make them delicious dreams, then it'd be like a restaurant! They'd be clients, you'd be dream cooks... and no one would die! You'd have money to buy winter clothes, and even a clear conscience.

Succubus 3:

(surprised, muttering to the other) What the hell is this kid saying?

Butters:

And don't think I don't know about business, okay? I already had my own kiss-rental network!

Succubus 1:

(gaping) Network of... what?

Butters:

(excited, with entrepreneurial gestures) Yeah! It was a huge success until the police and my parents got kind of grumpy, hehehe... but I learned that if you organize the girls and provide good service, men pay and come back for more!

Succubi:

(they remain silent, looking at each other, as if processing what they just heard)

Succubus 2:

(whispering to the leader) ... What if the kid's right? We always exhaust men, but... what if we stopped killing them and just... got paid?

Succubus 1:

(seriously, crossing her arms) This sounds stupid. But... I'm curious.

Butters:

(smiling happily) See, I told you! It's the business model of the future!

Butters (with a confident smile):

Girls, you really have no idea how easy it is! All you have to do is... well, listen to me, because I know how to make things happen! I'm like a magnet, but for women. And believe me, it's a power greater than any magic or sword!

Succubus 1 (bewildered, looking at the others):

Can you explain, little human?

Butters (enthusiastically, jumping up and down a bit):

What I'm trying to say is, you guys could make a ton of money if you put a little spin on your business! You know, kisses for money... but not like before, let's optimize it!

(The succubi exchange incredulous glances, but something about Butters's enthusiasm makes them listen more.)

Succubus 2 (mocking, but intrigued):

Optimizing erotic dreams? That doesn't sound very...

(hesitates for a moment, as if trying to grasp the idea)

... unworkable.

Butters (striking a pose as if he's giving a TED Talk):

Listen to this, why keep sacrificing a single person to absorb all their life energy? Wouldn't it be better to get a small amount of energy from many clients? Imagine... lots of happy clients, you taking a little bit from each one, collecting money, and everyone happy. No more mysterious deaths, and the others won't have any idea what we're doing! More clients, more money, less stress!

Succubus 1 (thinking):

Hmm, sounds... weird. But how do you know all this?

Butters (realizing his plan is taking shape):

Because I'm a genius! Look, I like things to be clean, no fuss. If we get organized, we can even arrange for each client to receive a "personalized package." A client who wants, say, a pirate-themed dream... gets it. If they want one about... I don't know, a giant one that hugs them like a teddy bear... they get that too! And of course, we'll get a small percentage of their energy! Nothing dangerous, you see?

Succubus 2 (suspicious but increasingly intrigued):

Hmm... you keep talking like you're experienced... do you think you can convince us of this?

Butters (smiling confidently):

I know! I can talk to you guys all the way to the moon if I want. This is the future!

(The succubi exchange glances, still hesitant but now completely captivated by Butters's brashness. The succubus leader steps forward.)

Succubus Leader (with a sly smile):

All right, human. We'll try your "plan." But remember... if this doesn't work, you'll be the first to die at our hands!

Butters (still confident):

No problem, miss! This is going to be a multi-million dollar business!

(The succubi begin to guide them through Axel's city, passing through the narrow, dark streets as Butters follows, explaining how they will improve the succubus business.

(Exterior: The sun rises over Axel. Butters and the succubi are standing in front of a small building that looks like a café. The shop's sign is painted in bright colors and reads: "Dream Café."

Butters (excited):

Look at this! This place is going to be like a dream come true! But for you. I mean, literally... dreaming about your client!

Leader of The Succubi (crossing their arms, with a calculating expression):

How are we going to keep this a secret, human? The monarchy authorities are hunting us for this kind of activity.

Butters (smiling confidently):

Leave that to me! We need to create a legitimate facade, something the authorities won't mess with. I thought a cafe would be perfect, totally innocent!

Succubus 1 (curious):

So... why a cafe? Shouldn't we offer another kind of "service"?

Butters (enthusiastically, tapping the succubus on the head like a child who's just solved a riddle):

Exactly! But not just any cafe. This will be a cafe with a "secret room." Like, some kind of... VIP service, you know? Customers will pay for a coffee, but they'll actually get an unforgettable experience! And you girls will be there to make those dreams come true. I'm talking about a massive income!

Succubus 2 (laughing, hesitant but intrigued):

This is... very strange, human. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

(Butters with a determined look, while the succubus leader gives a slow nod, and they head inside the building to begin setting up the café. A sign with a large "Welcome" is placed above the door.

(Inside the café, a few weeks later. The place is filled with curious customers ordering coffee. Butters, wasting no time, approaches a table where a clearly lost young adventurer is ordering his coffee.)

Novice Adventurer (nervous, looking around):

This is the place where... they can make my dreams come true?

Butters (smiling confidently, pointing at the café menu):

Of course! But first, we're going to have to make you a deal, right? I'll offer you a personalized dream for just a few silver coins. Nothing fancy, just a dream about... whatever you want. Pirates, princesses, whatever. And all for a low price, I promise!

Novice Adventurer (completely impressed):

Really? That sounds amazing!

Butters (smiling and realizing his plan is working):

That's it, buddy! Now you're going to have the best sleep of your life, guaranteed!

Butters and the adventurer head into the secret room. The young man is so excited he has no idea what awaits him, while the succubi watch from the bar, approving of Butters's strategy.)

Butters stands on the café terrace, looking at the horizon. The succubi watch him from inside, smiling with satisfaction at the progress. The sun sets over Axel as Butters speaks softly.)

Butters (in his internal monologue):

This is going to be big! But people don't even know what they're in for! Who needs a normal job when you can make money like this?

(Cut to a group of Puritan adventurers looking at each other, their faces filled with distrust. The leader of the Paladin adventurers looks at the cafe suspiciously.)

Leading Adventurer (whispering to his team):

Something's not right here... And we're going to find out what it is!

Butters's malicious laugh as he watches the business flourish.

One day, a familiar Fat Guy came by. It was Eric Cartman, who had died of a heart attack due to the disappointment of changing the daily hamburger menu. He came to complain that Butters' business was ruining his own. But that's a story for another day.