Eris (voice from heaven):
"This is the world of Quirks, Eric. Here, people are born with abilities, and the profession of Heroes emerged... but also that of Villains. You have a second chance."
Cartman: (makes an evil face, but tries to sound solemn)
"Oh yeah, obviously... hero. Yes! I'll be the greatest hero of all! [He proudly crosses his arms] ...The great Cooooom!"
Once accepted, Cartman appeared in that world.
[Suddenly, he hears screams from a nearby alley.]
Delinquent 1 (with knives sticking out of his arms):
"Come on, Good Person Man! Where's your Quirk, asshole? Huh? Did you think you could hold your own against us in that cheap costume?"
Koichi Haimawari (Good Person Man):
—Hey, leave me alone! I just want to help people!
Delinquent 2: (grabbing Pop☆Step)
—And you, "pop star," people are going to see you for free today.
Pop☆Step (shouting):
—Let me go, you idiots!
Cartman: (walking onto the stage with an exaggerated gait, chest out)
—STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU FOOLISH VILLAINS!
Delinquents: (turn around in confusion)
—Wha... who's this fat guy?
Cartman:
—I'm the ultimate hero! The protector of justice, kindness, and... free boobs on the internet! (strikes a ridiculous pose)
—I AM... THE FUCKING ONE!
Koichi: (blinking in confusion)
—...The what?
Pop☆Step: (with a disgusted face)
—Who the hell is this repulsive fat guy?
Cartman: (trying to sound imposing)
—Shut up, citizens! This is the moment where I make my entrance and everyone admires me... (looks at the criminals) And you bastards, let them go or you'll know the fury of the Coom Beam!
Criminal 1: (laughs, pulls more knives from his arms)
—Ohhh, a weird fat guy in a raccoon costume? Perfect, you're joining the party!
[The three criminals surround Cartman. He starts doing a ridiculous dance, as if he's charging up "energy".]
Cartman:
—No one can resist my power! The power to... coom justice in their faces!
[Obviously nothing happens. The criminals jump on him. Cartman screams like a baby.]
Cartman:
"AAAAAH, CRAP! THIS WASN'T PART OF THE PLAN!"
[At that moment, a muscular figure drops down from a rooftop and knocks the knife-wielding criminal against the wall with a single punch. It's Knuckleduster.]
Knuckleduster: (deep voice, smoking)
"Pathetic. They think a gift makes them invincible... what they need is a real beating."
[He begins brutally beating the criminals with street-level techniques. Koichi and Pop☆Step watch in astonishment.]
Koichi:
"It's Knuckleduster! The vigilante!"
Pop☆Step: (breathes a sigh of relief)
"Well, at least someone competent showed up."
[Cartman gets up covered in dust, pretending it was all part of his plan.]
Cartman:
"Yeah, exactly! That's what I wanted to happen! I distracted them, and he... uh... did the rest. As a team! Coom Team!"
Knuckleduster: (looks at him with cold eyes)
"What are you? A bad joke?"
Cartman: (proudly, beats his chest)
"I am the Coom! The new number one hero of this disgusting country."
[Knuckleduster stares at him for a moment, then looks at Koichi and Pop☆Step.]
Knuckleduster: (thinking aloud)
"A useless guy in disguise, a troubled idol, and... a fat guy who looks like he came from a mental asylum... [lights a cigarette] ...maybe just what I need for a vigilante group."
Koichi: (horrified)
"What?!" Recruit?
Cartman: (shouting)
"HEY! I have the most powerful quirk of all! The quirk of being THE COOM, and you all are my shitty sidekicks."
Pop☆Step:
"God, that sucks."
[Knuckleduster smiles grimly. The screen freezes with Cartman posing ridiculously as it reads: "The Legend of the Coom in Naruhata begins..."]
[Alleyway, after Knuckleduster knocks out the criminals. The tension drops. Koichi and Pop☆Step approach.]
Knuckleduster: (seriously stubs out his cigarette on the wall)
"Listen, you brats. This world is rotten. Pro heroes don't always show up when they're supposed to... and villains never stop. You three...
(looks at Koichi, then at Cartman and Pop☆Step)
...have potential."
Koichi: (nervous)
—Huh? Me? But... my Quirk just makes me slide on the floor. I'm no good in a fight.
Knuckleduster: (deep, almost fatherly voice)
—And you think I have a Quirk? No. I'm a simple human who trained until his bones broke. (raises his fist) You don't need a Quirk to fight. You need guts.
[Koichi widens his eyes in surprise. Pop☆Step looks at him sideways, half-skeptical.]
Knuckleduster:
—If a man without powers can save lives... you, with your ridiculous "slipping" gift, can do it too. What matters is that you act.
Koichi: (takes a deep breath, nodding)
—He's right... Then I'll join! I'll be a hero, even if it's illegal!
Cartman: (steps in, puffing out his chest)
—And so do I! But I don't need to train or anything, because I'm already naturally amazing. Besides... (makes a face) (poor thing) ...I don't have a home, money, or family here. I'm alone in this cruel world.
Koichi: (uncomfortably)
—Uh... well... I guess you could... stay in my apt... for a while...
Cartman: (quickly, taking advantage)
—Perfect! We'll be roommates, bitch! I'll keep the big bed, the TV remote, and the fridge. You can sleep on the floor or whatever.
Koichi: (with a horrified face)
—What?! Hey, no!
Knuckleduster: (looking amused, but silent)
—...
[Transition: A few days later. Koichi's apartment, top floor of a half-ruined building. Cartman is sitting in his underwear, surrounded by food wrappers, with the TV blaring.]
Koichi: (entering, tired)
—Cartman, you left the door open again!
Cartman: (eating fried chicken, still staring at the TV)
"Relax, roommate. If anyone comes in, I'll tell them you're my sex slave and they'll freak out."
Koichi: (shouting)
"That's not helping!"
[Just then, Pop☆Step appears with a backpack.]
Pop☆Step:
"I'm tired of being alone. I'm going to join the vigilante group."
Koichi: (surprised)
"You too?"
Cartman: (with a sly grin)
"Yeah, yeah, come all of you. Coom HQ welcomes sexy idols. First rule: bunny uniform."
Pop☆Step: (throwing a shoe in his face)
"You're a disgusting pig!"
[Scene on a rooftop, the four of them together. Knuckleduster speaks in a serious tone.
Knuckleduster:
"All right, listen up. This isn't just any fight. The real war in Naruhata is against the drug "Trigger."
Koichi:
"Trigger?"
Knuckleduster:
"A chemical that temporarily enhances abilities... but destroys the mind. Addicts go into a frenzy, their tongue turns black. They lose control and turn into monsters."
Pop☆Step: (frowns)
"I've seen people like that in the slums... it's horrible."
Cartman: (raising his hand)
"Question: Can it be sold?"
[Everyone glares at him. Cartman shrugs.]
Cartman:
"What? I'm asking about the logistics, you bastards!"
Knuckleduster: (sighs, but points at him)
"You're the most dangerous, fatty. But maybe... I can save you from the evil path if you let me train you."
Cartman: (smiles cynically)
"Heh... Save me? No, man... you already recruited me. I'm your favorite nightmare."
[Knuckleduster stares at him, and the scene ends with the foursome on the rooftop overlooking the city, while siren lights illuminate the night.]
[Night in Naruhata. The group patrols the streets. Cartman walks with a black-painted broomstick, as if it were a "legendary weapon".]
Knuckleduster: (grunting as he walks)
"Stop shuffling. If you see anything suspicious, act."
Cartman: (looking at his broom with pride)
"Tch, why do we have to listen to this bitter old man?" I am The Coom, the supreme vigilante.
Koichi: (sighs)
"I told you that name sounds horrible!"
Pop☆Step: (crossing his arms)
"Yeah, and it's scary for all the wrong reasons. How do you expect people to trust a hero who calls himself Coom?"
Cartman: (offended)
"That's a powerful name! It inspires respect!"
Knuckleduster: (smacks him on the back of the head)
"It doesn't inspire respect, it inspires nausea. And if you keep yelling, it'll make you bust your face off."
Cartman: (yelling)
"HEY, DON'T HIT ME, YOU OLD ALCOHOLIC!"
[Koichi tries to calm the situation, but Knuckleduster suddenly slams a suspicious bystander against a wall.]
Koichi: (horrified)
"What are you doing?!" You can't just hit anyone just because they look weird!
Knuckleduster: (cold)
"That guy's nose was too dry. Trigger symptom."
Pop☆Step: (indignant)
"That's no excuse! People have allergies, idiot!"
Cartman: (laughing and pointing)
"HAHA! See, the old man is worse than me! I don't even go that far!"
Knuckleduster: (turns around slowly, threateningly)
"Shut up, you jerk."
[Suddenly, a black whip encircles Cartman and knocks him to the ground. Eraser Head appears on the nearby rooftop.]
Eraser Head: (serious, in a deep voice)
"Illegal vigilantism. You'll have to come with me."
Cartman: (struggling on the ground, indignant)
"Hey, asshole! I'm the Coom! The people need me!"
Eraser Head: (walks over and lifts him by the neck with one hand)
"The "Coom"? How pathetic. You don't even look like a hero. You're just a fat guy in pajamas."
Cartman: (screaming)
"MOOO ... [Eraser Head puts away his bandages and walks off without looking back.]
Cartman: (getting up covered in dust, shouting)
"DAMN PROFESSOR EMO, YOU'LL SEE WHEN THE COOM GETS YOU!"
Knuckledust er: (clenching his fists, frustrated)
"Shut up, kid. If you can't fight him, you'll be even less able to fight the real monsters."
[Later that night. On the streets, the three gang members from the beginning appear, transformed by Trigger: one throws larger bone blades, another becomes gigantic, and the third hardens his body with minerals. The city erupts in chaos.]
Koichi: (terrified)
"It's them... but they're out of control!"
Pop☆Step: (with tears in his eyes)
"With my little jumps and fireworks, I can't stop anyone like that..."
Cartman: (pointing at them with his broom, hysterical)
"See?! That's why we need the Coom! I can... uh... distract them with my charisma and my butt."
Knuckleduster: (angrily, grabs him by the collar)
"You're a nuisance, brat! Either improve your skills, or you'll end up dead in the first real fight."
Cartman: (screaming)
"You can't talk to me like that! I'm special!"
Knuckleduster: (snaps at him, turning to Koichi)
"And you. Stop calling yourself "Good Person Man." It's a joke. If you want to be taken seriously, choose a name that inspires respect."
Koichi: (takes a deep, determined breath)
"Then... from today on... I'm The Crawler."
[Pop☆Step smiles, Knuckleduster nods approvingly. Cartman crosses his arms, jealous.]
Cartman:
"Pfft, "The Crawler"... how ridiculous. Everyone knows "Coom" sounds much more badass.
Pop☆Step: (throwing another shoe in his face)
—Shut up already!
Blurry cell phone clips showing vigilante fights in Naruhata. Laughter and forum comments can be heard.
Random internet narrator:
—Look! There's that crazy old man who hits people, they say they call him Old Fist!
Another:
—And that one crawling on the floor like a cockroach... LOL, the Cockroach!
Another:
—And... that fat kid in pajamas? Who the hell is he?
Final comment:
—Oh, that's just the fat kid.
[Cut to Cartman, watching those videos on Koichi's laptop.]
Cartman: (screaming)
—WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!!! I'M NOT "THE FAT KID", I'M THE FUCKING ONE!!!
Koichi: (sighs, resigned)
—Well, at least the police started investigating the Trigger thing thanks to what we're doing...
Pop☆Step:
—Yeah, but we haven't made any real progress. Users keep popping up like cockroaches. (turns to Koichi)
Not you, obviously.
Koichi: (uncomfortably)
—...Thanks.
[Another night. At Koichi's apartment.]
Koichi: (showing them his collection of All Might t-shirts, with genuine enthusiasm)
—Look, I have all the limited editions. This one's from the tenth anniversary collaboration!
Pop☆Step: (laughing softly)
—That's pretty cool, Koichi.
Cartman: (cruel laughter)
—HAHAHAHA! You're a virgin t-shirt collector!
Koichi: (annoyed, frowning)
—So what about you? You're living in my apartment for free! You don't pay rent, you don't buy food, and you steal my shampoo.
Cartman: (serious, justifying himself)
—That's what roommates do: share.
Koichi: (screaming)
—NOOO, YOU'RE JUST ABUSING!
[Next night. On a rooftop. Koichi and Pop☆Step are watching the city. Suddenly, Soga Kugisaki, the gang member who attacked them earlier, appears.]
Soga: (head down, raising his hands)
—Listen... I'm sorry for what I did. I was under pressure, I needed money. But I know things about Trigger distribution. I can tell you everything...
Koichi: (surprised, hopeful)
—Are you serious?
Pop☆Step: (distrustful)
—...Sounds like a trap.
[Suddenly, a bee flies and stings him in the neck. Soga screams in pain. His body begins to mutate, bones sprouting like giant spears from his skin. He becomes a monstrous, out-of-control version of himself.
Koichi: (horrified)
"Rope!!!"
Pop☆Step: (backs away, scared)
"No, no, no... this is Trigger again!"
[Cartman appears out of nowhere, climbing the stairs on his painted broom.]
Cartman: (in a ridiculously heroic voice)
"Fear not, citizens! The Coom is here to protect you!"
Koichi: (shouting)
"You're no help, Cartman!!"
Pop☆Step: (shouting at the same time)
"NO ONE WANTS THE COOM!!"
[Before Cartman can attempt his trick, another illegal vigilante appears: a man with a red mask, blades, and a cold stare.]
Stendhal: (calm, but with a murderous voice)
"That's a monster. And monsters must be eliminated."
Koichi: (desperately, interjecting)
"NO, WAIT!! That's not a monster, that's Soga, a human who needs help!"
Pop☆Step: (begging)
"There has to be a way to save him, don't kill him!"
Stendhal: (unfazed, drawing his blades)
"The city doesn't need monsters... or false heroes."
Cartman: (shouting at Stendhal)
"Hey, hey! That's MY style! If anyone's going to kill confused civilians, it's me, the Coom!"
[At that moment, a fist enters the scene and knocks down one of Stendhal's blades. Knuckleduster appears from the shadows.]
Knuckleduster: (growling)
"Kid, back off. This isn't your stage."
Night, in an alley lit only by flickering neon lights. Soga's mutant body still writhes and On the ground, covered in bones like spears. Knuckleduster wipes the blood from his mouth after exchanging blows with Stendhal.
Stendhal: (panting, staring blankly)
You don't understand anything! Justice is eliminating the scum! If I don't kill them, they'll hurt again!
Knuckleduster: (grabs him by the neck and pushes him against a wall)
And what makes you? A hero? No! You're just another blood junkie, an idiot who uses the word "justice" to justify his damned desire to kill.
Cartman/Coom: (pointing with a flashlight he doesn't even know how to use)
Yeah, you cheap fucking anime! The only true justice is when I win! Because I am the Coom, protector of girls in miniskirts and... free pizza!
Koichi (The Crawler): (sighs, looking at Pop☆Step)
...I swear I don't know why I keep letting him live in my apartment.
Pop☆Step: (snorts)
Because you have the face of an abandoned puppy and zero ability to say "no."
Cartman/Coom: (offended)
Hey! I'm not a dog. I'm a lion, an apex predator! And you guys should be grateful I'm staying in that apartment, because otherwise, the bad guys would have ripped you to pieces by now!
Koichi:
Cartman, last time you fainted because a guy with Trigger yelled at you loudly...
Cartman: (crossing his arms)
That was a scream with powers, dammit! That's cheating.
[Stendhal, trembling, looks at the ground. The mask he's wearing cracks from Knuckleduster's blow.]
Stendhal:
So... what am I? Just another murderer?
Knuckleduster:
Exactly. Don't give yourself titles. You're not a hero. You're not a vigilante. You're just a guy with knives and a sick obsession.
Pop☆Step: (sympathetically)
You could... I don't know, redirect that energy. Do something useful instead of killing people randomly.
Cartman/Coom: (laughs out loud)
HAHAHA! Yeah, become a sushi delivery boy or something, dude! At least that way you'll be cutting fish and not people!
Koichi: (looking seriously at Stendhal)
If you really want justice... start by stopping playing god.
[The tension dissolves as police sirens begin to wail in the distance.]
Knuckleduster: (firmly)
We're leaving. The cops are already investigating Trigger, and we can't risk getting raided.
Cartman/Coom:
And what do we do with the killer emo?
Knuckleduster:
We let him think. Let him decide whether to keep sinking or change course.
Stendhal: (muttering as he watches them leave)
...Just a killer? Nothing more?
[Cut: The group returns to Koichi's apartment. Cartman opens the refrigerator and begins devouring Koichi's leftovers.]
Koichi: (tired)
...That was my dinner.
Cartman/Coom: (mouth full of cold instant noodles)
Well now it's justice in my belly, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Pop☆Step:
I swear one day I'm going to kill him.
Knuckleduster: (lighting a cigarette by the window)
No. We're going to train him. That brat is going to stop being "the fat kid"... or the street will kill him before you do.
abandoned rooftop. The group rests after the fight. Stendhal appears from the shadows, his gaze wild.
Stendhal: (with a trembling, almost poetic voice)
No... I'm not just a murderer. You were right... I'm not a hero... I'm something more!
A symbol... An executioner!
The world is rotten, heroes are fakes, criminals are multiplying...
I'll be the scythe that cleanses away the scum! I'll be called... STAIN, the hero killer!
Koichi (The Crawler): (horrified)
Hey, calm down! That's not justice, that's madness!
Pop☆Step: (taking a step back)
...That guy is completely crazy.
Knuckleduster: (furious)
Listen to me, brat! If you think killing fixes the world...
Cartman/Coom: (raising a broomstick as if it were a sword)
Yeah, and you're a poser too! I'm the true symbol! The Coom, protector of busty girls and...
[In the blink of an eye, Stain lunges at Cartman and stabs him with his sword. The kid barely manages to scream.]
Cartman:
AAAAAAARGH, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
[Cartman falls to the ground, dead. The group freezes.]
Koichi: (voice breaking)
...He killed him... he really killed him!
Pop☆Step: (covering his mouth, crying)
No... it can't be... he was an idiot, but he was a kid.
Knuckleduster: (with trembling fists)
...You sick bastard. He was just a child!
Stain: (with a cold stare and a fanatical speech)
A weak child. A false spark. A selfish fatso who thought he was a hero...
That's proof that society is already rotten!
False symbols must die... so the world can be reborn.
[Police sirens are heard approaching. Stain disappears into the shadows, leaving the others devastated.]
[CUT. Black screen. Silence.]
[Suddenly, light. Konosuba World. Cartman wakes up in the snow, his face frozen. Coughing and snorting.]
Cartman: (stunned)
W-what the fuck...? Where am I now? Where are the knives and the psychopath?
[Aqua picks him up off the ground, with her typical irritating smile.]
Aqua:
Finally! Months passed. The snow had to melt before they could find your fat corpse! But we did it. We revived you. Cartman: (furious)
YOU REVIVED ME IN THIS CRAPPY FANTASY WORLD?!!! I was comfortable in the superhero world! I had a costume, I had internet fame, I had respect!
Aqua: (confused)
Respect? Yeah, right...
Cartman: (screaming, with tears of rage)
IT WAS MY LEGACY!!! The Coom left his mark on that world, Aqua! A MARK!
Aqua: (crossing her arms, dry)
Yeah, right. They're probably building statues in your honor right now.
Cartman: (looking up at the sky, muttering to himself)
...Yeah, that's it... my legend will live on. The Coom will always be remembered.
And so, Cartman lied to himself once again.
THE END
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